As I said in How I Got Here I first realised that I was submissive in 2002. Having worked out that a D/s lifestyle was what I thought could work for us, the first thing that I had to do was to try to explain to my husband what it was that I wanted. As you will read in Starting Out this took some doing and to be honest, I could have been better prepared. If you are like me and you are the one who would like to introduce this to your marriage then I would suggest reading and doing some research so that you have examples of the type of relationship you would like.
To me, D/s in an established marriage or relationship can look very different to other forms of D/s but there are loads of great blogs written by other married people out there who are living this sort of lifestyle. The important thing to remember is that one size does not fit all, so I would advise taking the bits that you think will fit in with your life and leaving the ones which wouldn’t suit your personalities or way of living. I think that many can worry that this is something new that will change your life; I would argue that it will simply add to the life that you already have. You are not giving anything up, but enhancing what you have so that you are closer, more intimate and more loving and thoughtful towards one another.
I would describe us as living a 24/7 D/s lifestyle, which means that the dynamic has been woven through all areas of our marriage, but it is an ‘add on’, a way of living. At the centre, always, is the love and commitment that we have to one another. I see the foundations of any good relationship being Communication , Respect, Trust, honesty and love. If you keep these foundations at the core and you work hard to meet each others needs then you are able to create a Power Exchange where you are able to explore your fantasies and desires together. I think that many people see a Dominant and submissive relationship as being about the kink. It is the ideal place to experiment and I am sure that this will come from the openness you have, but within a marriage, I think that the emotional connection that you share is really at the centre. However, it is likely that you will end up exploring your Kinky side which may have always been there but within the new found openness you are sharing it suddenly seems possible to try some of the things you have always wanted to; I have written about some of those in the Play, Scenes and Kink Category
So assuming you have read enough to know that this is something that you want and your partner feels it is something that could work, I would suggest that you sit down and talk about how it would work. You would usually have some Rules and Rituals which will fit with your values and help you to keep your submissive and Dominant mindsets. It is important for play that you Set Limits which you are both comfortable with. We used an online limits list which was helpful for discussion and made a great starting point. It is important always to think about Consent, Safety and Aftercare and safe-words are a must.
When I started this blog one of my aims was to provide relevant material which fitted with a married D/s dynamic as this was something that I had found hard to find when I was starting out. Initially we found it very hard when we hit the Bumps which are inevitable in any relationship. We relied a lot on support and encouragement from others and if you don’t have that it can be hard. In the beginning I was so excited that I wanted to rush and it took all I had to be Patient. I also had the tendency to be passive and it took me a while to work out that in order to support my husband with this, sometimes I had to be Actively Submissive.
On this page I have tried to bring together some of the posts I have written which I thought might help if you were just starting out. My blog is really reflective of my journey so although my intention was to be able to share with others who are like-minded, I realise that unless you go back to the beginning, some of those earlier posts might not be seen so thought it might be useful to collect some of the key ones here. I have tried to organise my blog posts loosely into categories to help people find what they are looking for; Building a D/s Dynamic, Submissive Journal, Submissive Musings and Play, Scenes and kink.
If you can relate to what I am writing about and would like to chat any of it through and/or bounce ideas around then please contact me, either via email or through my Contact page.