Control

controlControl in a Dominant submissive relationship is an interesting thing. From the outside it looks as though the submissive has to give up all control to the Dominant. He then uses a series of rules, commands and instructions to control and train her so that she becomes the perfect sub, meeting his desires and fulfilling his fantasies. In reality I think it is rarely the case that control lies with just the one person.

In BDSM the submissive (or “sub”) willingly grants the dominant (or “dom”) power over them, and they do so out of trust and respect. This transferring of control is commonly called “The Gift”—that is, it’s an arrangement—not coercive but consensual. And the “gift” itself is an agreed-upon ”power exchange.”  (Psychology Today)

So if the power is exchanged as given as a gift, it doesn’t really give the Dominant complete and absolute control, as he only has control while his submissive is willing to allow him to control her; rather it is the illusion of absolute control that is part of the agreed power exchange between them, which arises out of trust and respect for one another. Continue reading

Intimacy and Vulnerability

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I wrote about Vulnerability in a previous post and my main focus then was reflecting on the journey that I had been through in terms of making myself more vulnerable to HisLordship. I see it as being such an important part of our relationship and I wrote about how I have come to see vulnerability not as a weakness but as a strength, as it binds you and allows you to become more intimately entwined. Deep intimacy requires that you are open and transparent with your partner and, although this can make you feel a bit uncomfortable or anxious, with practice this is something that you can and will be able to change.  Continue reading

Wednesday Canesday

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When HisLordship first introduced regular caning on a Wednesday, I’ll admit that I wondered why.  I am not sure why I had this reaction as I like it when he canes me but I think that I worried it might feel different if it was a regular scheduled thing and not part of our play.  Sir had told me that he planned to have a regular discussion session where we would catch up on all things D/s. He said that we would go to bed in good time, I would complete our bedroom routine as usual and then I would present myself for a caning session. I think I was probably apprehensive about whether or not it would hurt and I wondered what would happen if I was not in the mood. It was during our Wednesday discussion that he first suggested it so we were able to talk about some of these things.  Continue reading

Submissive Questions

the-cognitive-triangle-one-time-through3All behaviour is communication whether it is based on something that you say or something that you do. So the way you behave will say something to those around about you about what you are thinking and what you are feeling.  Your behaviour will also provoke a thought, a feeling and a subsequent response from other people too and I think that this is an important thing to remember, especially when thinking about how and what you are communicating to others. Continue reading

The house that D/s built

hands-holding-a-house-w-heartRecently a friend asked me an interesting question. What is the bread and butter of your D/s? I had to think about this for a while and later on I discussed it with Sir as the process led me to evaluate what we were doing and discover why, at times, we might find things tricky. I came to the conclusion that the foundations of respect, trust, honesty, communication and love are there are the root of all good relationships, but the bread and butter is what lies at the level above that. It is the elements that form the power exchange which makes your relationship one of Domination and submission. It is the structure that you create around yourselves so that you can maintain strong foundations.  And above this, goes all of the other things that you do – the one off acts, the exploration of fantasy etc. I had never before looked at our D/s as being a triple layered thing before but doing this really helped. Continue reading

Vulnerability

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My recent post on Humiliation attracted some interesting comments. I love it when this happens as I think that sharing and hearing from others really helps to develop your thinking. One such comment was from Jen. I know that a lot of you already follow Jen’s Blog but if not, and you have an interest in D/D or D/s, then you should check it out. Anyway, Jen made the point that letting go of control is about making yourself vulnerable and that doing that requires a lot of strength and trust in your partner. This got me to thinking about vulnerability as it was something that I really struggled with at the start of this journey.  I really did not feel comfortable feeling vulnerable at all and I had to work very hard at the defences that told me to pull back. Continue reading

Some Like it Rough

A number of women I speak to seem to enjoy rough sex sometimes and I guess that is why being Dominated can work for many. You are vulnerable, at the mercy of someone else, sometimes bound, senses blocked, just focussing on the sensations as the moment builds. I have also read that many men are turned on by the thought of something more aggressive but often this goes against what society has brought us up to believe is the right way to treat someone. Especially someone you love and are married to.   Continue reading