I used to think that I had a high pain threshold but since starting this journey and talking to some masochists I am less clear about that. I think that I have a good level but when you play in the safety of your own home, without an audience, you really don’t have much to compare it with. I know that I like the ache of his nipple clamps. I know that I enjoy the sting of his hand, the slap of his crop and the thud of his paddle. I also know that I melt at the pull of my hair and the fire of his cane and that sometimes I burn to feel pleasure in the way that only the edge of pain can bring me. However, I do think that although sometimes I feel that I need the pain, it brings the pleasure to me, rather than being pleasure on its own.
Control in a Dominant submissive relationship is an interesting thing. From the outside it looks as though the submissive has to give up all control to the Dominant. He then uses a series of rules, commands and instructions to control and train her so that she becomes the perfect sub, meeting his desires and fulfilling his fantasies. In reality I think it is rarely the case that control lies with just the one person.
In BDSM the submissive (or “sub”) willingly grants the dominant (or “dom”) power over them, and they do so out of trust and respect. This transferring of control is commonly called “The Gift”—that is, it’s an arrangement—not coercive but consensual. And the “gift” itself is an agreed-upon ”power exchange.” (Psychology Today)
So if the power is exchanged as given as a gift, it doesn’t really give the Dominant complete and absolute control, as he only has control while his submissive is willing to allow him to control her; rather it is the illusion of absolute control that is part of the agreed power exchange between them, which arises out of trust and respect for one another. Continue reading
Sometimes I want to be nothing. It is a curious feeling and is part of a fantasy which I sometimes have. It has only come along in the last few years, since the D/s and the power play has become much more of a formalised thing for us. During a scene or play, I can acquire that feeling where I seem to leave myself and float on another plane, a bit like something that was nothing would. But this is a bit different to that. I want to be aware of being nothing, because it has happened as a conscious process, rather than it happening as part of what occurs naturally. I want the knowledge that I have been slowly reduced and stripped back until I am no longer part of myself, if that makes sense. Continue reading
Sir has been away from home since Monday and won’t return until tomorrow. The time without him has highlighted how much both me, and our lifestyle have changed since we became D/s. Unlike previous trips, this time he left in a hurry so there was no time to prepare, and I was caught a bit off guard. It has made me aware just how much I have come to rely on him both emotionally and physically. Now he was always a very loving and supportive partner and even before we dated, we were friends, and I knew that he was only ever a call away if I needed something, but this is different. This is about the everyday, maintenance and support that comes with being deeply connected to another person. Continue reading
I sort of feel it may be more appropriate to ask when real life doesn’t interfere with our D/s! I think from the very beginning, well at least after the first week, things started to get in the way of what we wanted to do and where we wanted to take this. But with full-time work, a large family, friends and other commitments, to expect time to immerse ourselves in this new-found dynamic was always a little ambitious. In fact, it was partly because life kept getting in the way that we made the move early on to commit to, (for want of a better term), a 24/ D/s lifestyle . Continue reading
This is a post for a number of reasons. It is partly a follow on from my last post on Consent and D/s which became too long to add anything else. It is also partly in response to last weekend when we were away together and HisLordship requested the presence of the birthday Elf. And finally, I received another prompt during the week as part of the Loving BDSM 30 days of D/s and it asked about consent and consensual non-consent. Whatever the stimulus, one way or another I have had a week where I was not able to read anything never mind write anything, so it has taken a long time in coming. Continue reading
Consent is a serious topic and it is a complicated and contentious area in BDSM. For us consent is always present unless a safe word is used, but in reality Sir would never ask me to do something that I didn’t want to. The level of trust we have is huge and it means that consent is not really something that we think about, so for me personally, I take a pretty relaxed view. At work, however, I have to make sure that young people understand the importance of making sure that consent in present at the time. We also make sure that they know what the law surrounding sex and consent means for them. One of the great resources we use compares consent to having a cup of tea and this helps to make the point. So I suppose I want to make it clear that what I am writing about here is about how consent works in our D/s marriage, and to make the point that I don’t advocate this being appropriate for other types of relationship, and that I realise our practices may leave us on the wrong side of the law, if it ever came to that. Continue reading