I have written generally about limits and boundaries in a post for The SafeworD/s Club. I wanted to make this post more personal to me and about a bit of a defining moment concerning my submission. More specifically it is concerning my submissive headspace, or my submissive space as I like to call it. It is related to limits and boundaries because many of the limits and boundaries that I have usually can be pushed to the side when I am deep in my submission.
This is reasonably common I think and it is why it is key to communicate your limits and boundaries clearly before you play, but it was interesting to me just how much I change when I enter this space. I suppose I need to clarify from the beginning that I do not see my submissive space as being a constant. It has levels. It is always there to a degree, but when we play I am able to go deeper into it. The more I let go, the further I fall and the further I fall, the more I let go.
I have come to see over time that there are triggers to make this happen more easily. One very easy way for me is through erotic humiliation. It is complicated because it draws on the insecurities that have become a significant part of me and presents them next to a contrasting view. This leads me to be torn almost between what I should do and what I want to do. It is a struggle between the me who self-regulates and restricts and the me who lets go and is free. I guess really I am free from myself, and yet I also become the other part of myself, so it is difficult to explain.
What happens causes cognitive dissonance as I flip between the two, and that is where the humiliation comes in. The words that go along with this feeling articulate what is happening to me and pull me in one direction. HL will use words to push me and take the responsibility from me, allowing me to let go and fall further into submission. This in turn allows me to let go of the conscience that rationalises and holds me back usually. Focussing on his voice quiets my own and in the confusion as I switch back and forth between the two parts, I hear him pulling me towards him.
This is the best way I have of explaining what happens, and how erotic humiliation can be used as a tool to allow me to let go and push me deeper into my submissive space. The longer this happens for, the deeper I go, and this is because he is pushing me past my own limits and boundaries. It doesn’t just happen for play. One of the reasons that D/s is good for me is because I can feel anxiety about doing certain things. When this happens I will give very good reasons why I can’t do them. For a long time I was not even aware myself of what I was doing. This had held me back at times.
I am very good at wriggling out of things and I can usually get out of most things which push against my limits and boundaries. D/s should stop this, but sometimes I manipulate the situation to get around HL. If he lays it on the line and challenges me on it, I will usually back down. I understand why he doesn’t always want to do this but really, it is what I need. The fact that I back down shows that really I wanted to do the thing, I am just scared. This has happened over taking naked pictures out of doors and also about attending an event.
When this happens, his Dominance in challenging me pushes me into this same submissive space. Because of my fears, I have to let go and trust him. I stop thinking and start following his lead. I listen to his instructions and become quite compliant. This has happened on more than the two occasions mentioned above, and it also happened recently when we went away with our friends. We wanted to use the days away as a sort of D/s immersion as we all felt that lockdown had left our D/s a little battered and misshapen, so the idea was to pour paraffin on it with some kinky time away from everything.
We had talked about limits and boundaries beforehand and I was very much of the opinion that I couldn’t commit to anything more than waiting to see how I felt at the time. It would all depend on the circumstances and so when we created a sort of wish list, I was neither able to add to it, or accept or veto any of HL’s suggestions. I listened to the sorts of things he wanted and I did try to think about how I could make some of that happen. For example, I knew how much he wanted me to be naked when we were away so really I only packed lingerie and things which were revealing.
I hoped that once we were there I would feel comfortable and that would allow me to go with the suggestions he had made and not push back to the point where I sabotaged things. In actual fact, there was a defining point in the trip when I slipped into my submissive space. We were sat in the car on our driveway ready to leave, when he put on my play collar and cuffs. I have worn them before but for some reason I felt a change immediately. It wasn’t that I plummeted to the depths giving up all control of myself in an instant, but I definitely felt instantly different.
I felt calmer. My head was quieter. I was more focussed on him. I felt horny for him and it washed over me in waves as we drove along. I was still grounded to various elements in the real world, but it felt less important and as if it was fading or losing its hold on me. By the time we arrived I felt very submissive and I think deferred to him on most things. I suppose my limits and boundaries were pushed from the start really in terms of being seen by others like this, and the openness we had as a group in a number of areas. This sought to push me deeper and to hold me in that space for a much more extended period that I have been before. I did what I was told, or what I thought people wanted, and I didn’t push back at all.
It wasn’t a conscious thought not to push back. Neither did it feel like we were pushing limits and boundaries as I didn’t really see it that way at the time, despite how I had felt before leaving home. I was caught up very much in pleasing and in meeting the needs of those around me. I was deep in my submissive space so my limits and boundaries were the concern of HL. That being said, I think that if anything which really challenged them had happened I would have recognised that and said something, although I can see why it is so important to communicate clearly beforehand and know the person you are with well.
It wasn’t until we were home and reality returned that the full impact of things hit me. I suppose by then I was more back to my normal self and that was when I went through more of the sorts of feelings I usually would: a high, followed by a drop, followed by a period of feeling a bit dazed, and then a period of reflection. I know that I have been vague here about the limits and boundaries pushed and that is because for some reason I don’t feel able to write about it in a holistic way yet. I wonder if this is because of the way I slipped more deeply than before into a place that I don’t yet quite understand.
However, the featured image I have used was taken while we were away. The picture shows HL spanking me. One of the boundaries that he wanted to push was to make me orgasm in front of people, so this turned out to be more than a simple demonstration of an erotic spanking. I will write about this soon because I think that I will able to articulate what happened and how I felt more effectively by isolating each part, rather than creating a sort of list of examples as part of this post.