Thank you for offering me the opportunity to ask a question. My husband and I have begun our journey into a 24/7 Dom/Sub relationship. I am ALL IN, but he doesn’t seem to be. What should I do? What do I do if he is not engaging?Sue
I struggled with this one a little as there is not very much for me to go on. I am not sure what it is that your husband isn’t doing that leads you to feel that he isn’t all in, so please feel free to include some extra information in the comments if I end up on the wrong track. I have added the part about not engaging to give a focus so let me know if this is not what you meant.
From experience, I think it is not uncommon to feel like this, especially if you are a submissive who, like me, has asked their husband for this. I have already covered some of the things that you might try in my answer to Priya who wanted to know How do I encourage Dominance?. These things include researching and presenting him with information and examples of things which illustrate what D/s can look like in other long term relationships, being more actively submissive, and being very encouraging with him so that he recognises when something he has done has worked and why.
You say that your husband isn’t all in, so does this mean that he is doing some parts and not others? Consistency is quite a common issue for new Dominants and once things become more of a habit it can be easier – for example, checking in with their sub, noticing when rules have/haven’t been met etc. We found that agreeing regular times to focus and talk about how the dynamic is going, what is going well, areas that you both want to work on etc really made a difference; it helped to keep it fresh in both of our minds, as well as being able to support each other by looking for solutions for things which weren’t working.
Another thing worth considering is that it can take time for things to bed in. If you were the driving force behind initiating your power exchange then you are probably further ahead in terms of thinking about what you want it to be like and how you want it to work. If you have spent time thinking about this then mentally you are ready just to go with it. You are likely open to the idea and keen to embracing the changes that it will bring. This can lead to feeling a bit of subfenzy and being frustrated that the pace you are going at as a couple is much slower than you would like it to be.
I had a friend who found it helpful to think of her submission as a gift. Usually when we give a gift to someone we care about, we have thought about it. We have planned it out and found something we think will be perfect for them. We are excited to give it to them and hope that they will be pleased with it. But what if they aren’t sure what to do with it? They like it, they want it, but they don’t know how it works and how to set it up? They might need time to look into how to use it and they might take time to work out the best way for it to work for them.
It sounds like your husband is open to the idea as you say that you have begun a D/s lifestyle. I think it is important not to close the door to something because it doesn’t seem to be working. Look at what else you can do individually and as a couple to help the situation. Talk to your husband and ask him how he is feeling. If this is something that he wants, then establish what aspects of it appeal to him as this may provide a clue as to which aspects he is struggling with. Speak to other Doms and subs in similar relationships and see if they can offer any advice or suggestion.
I have linked some relevant posts at the bottom of the page in case you would find more reading helpful, but please feel free to contact me if you want to follow up on anything I have included either in my reply or in the links. We also run The SafeworD/s Club where there are live chats and forums which allow you to talk and share experiences with other people in similar dynamics, so you would be more than welcome to come along. Good luck, have fun, and thank you for helping to make my world a little kinkier, one question at a time.
If you are reading this and have a question that you would like me to answer, then just head over to my Ask Me Anything page, type it in the box, and hit submit.
I am also aware of the wealth of experience and information available in the blogging world, so if you are reading this and have your own thoughts and advice, then please add them in the comments section.