relax

Relax – recovery will come

Feeling relaxed is hard right now. There is a layer under the surface which never rests, never sleeps. I have tried yoga, and masturbation. I have tried walking and reading. I have tried new projects and focusing my energies into changing things and taking back control, but there is a part that just won’t stop, that won’t relax. These things all help, don’t get me wrong, but I am never far from that hyper vigilant state.

I watch things and listen for signs. I wait for it to start again, for my emotions to be pricked. I can’t seem to escape from them. The usual outlets I have don’t seem to work the same. I feel a bit claustrophobic, a bit trapped. I am blessed in that I can see the hills from where I sit but I want to be out there. I want to be in the wild, the wind whipping at me and stinging my face. I want to feel tiny and alone. I want to feel nature engulf me in its constant and unchanging geography.

I yearn to be lost in the landscape that has sat, unchanged, for all these years. I know that city dwellers can feel vulnerable and exposed in the elements but for me it feels calm, it feels safe and familiar. I have enjoyed the peace and the quiet and the slower pace of life. I don’t want to feel overrun again. I want to feel space, and distance. I want to gather in those who matter and push away everything and everyone else.

I want to take a long deep breath, and hold it in until my lungs might burst, and then breathe out all the anger, the frustration, the grief, the indignation. I want to scream into the open and let my fear, and my hatred, and my despair be absorbed and dissipated as they are carried away, unheard on the wind. But as yet, none of this is possible. I keep doing what I am doing, running on the treadmill of my life, punctuating my existence with glimmers of hope for the future in what I see and do.

The last three months has been spent doing the impossible. With none of the structure and routine around me I have tried desperately to provide a sense of perspective to others, whilst at the same time struggling to find my own. I have felt so ineffective listening to their silence on the end of the line, their tears, their fear, their failure. I have found the words and found the tone to move things forward whilst all the time doubting. Support by virtual means has meant the words have found their way to my lips and my keys but they haven’t feel real for me.

The words don’t touch me. I hear them and I wonder where they have come from. Who is this person speaking? She is no longer me, she is borrowed from some other time when things were different. I am on edge. I am waiting for it all to crash around me. I feel the weight of it and there is no where for it to go. Places which were safe have gone, people who were my friends turned out not to be, or worse. Despite trying to light the way for others, I am lost. Lost in my own tension, vulnerable and exposed, unable to ever switch off in case I miss something.

I wake in a panic, and quickly try to mitigate the risk by action. Preventative random action. I am becoming good at that. It feels like all I can do. Pulled from sleep, I am alert and I try to focus on the little things managed rather than all of those things that haven’t been. And there is distraction of course. I am a master at distraction. But I am so confused. So utterly untogether in my seeming togetherness. I am clinging on the the tiny things that make sense, without knowing if my love for the bigger things will ever come back.

I hope that it does all come back. I will reach the end of term on Friday but I am not sure how that will be. The land keeps changing, shifting under my feet. What am I preparing for? What am I meant to be doing? How do I relax when nothing is certain except the fact that people will be depending on me and if I mess up it will be matter? How do I fix this? How do accept that I can’t, that the little difference the drop in the ocean I make will never be enough?

I have a week less to relax thanks to another incompetence, just at a time when I feel that I need it. It fuels my anger and I am determined to fight my better nature which wants to spend my holidays working so that I can try to do my best. I know that it will be hard to turn away. I didn’t know when I started writing this how I was feeling about it all and so, I suppose I can hope that it helps to have poured it out and that perhaps I can try to switch off enough to heal and regenerate and even possibly, relax.

One of my holiday jobs is to think about how I will support others to move forward and I am aware of the need for our own experiences to be recognised. I understand the impact that collective trauma might have and know that empathy and understanding will help. We need others to recognise our individual experiences and relate to them so that we can move forward together, rather than isolated in our own emotional confusion and loss. We need to find a way to process and resolve the negative feelings that this situation has left us with.

I am sorry that I am using this space for my own recovery, but my thoughts and research into how I can support others to find their own recovery leads me to see that is probably what I am subconsciously doing here. I need to be strong, I need to be well and I hope that I haven’t pulled you down in terms of some of the posts I have written during this time. I wish that I felt I was done, but I think there is more. I still feel the words needling and pushing at me.

The last thing I want is to have a detrimental effect on the well-being of others so hopefully this post can be seen as a reflection of the difficult situation we have all been in and the way that it has been internalised and normalised. It isn’t normal and I believe firmly that, in what ever form, it needs to be allowed to come out and be expressed so that it can become externalised and we can let go of it, whatever it is for us. I suppose that this post is part of my it.


Other posts which I now see as part of my response to my experience are:
The Worst Week
Ideas and Ideas and Ideas
7 Days in April – Day 1
D/s on lockdown – Dealing with change
Is my libido on lockdown
What are we left with – COVID-19

June Prompt – Relaxed
June Prompt
Posted in Mental Health, Submissive Journal.

27 Comments

  1. You are not dragging me down, shared sorrow and such 🙂 . I feel you with that part that never sleeps and relaxes. My fantasy is to stand at the beach with a strong autumn breeze and just be enveloped in salty fresh air with no other sounds than the wind and the waves. So loud I can’t even hear my own heartbeat or breathing.

    • Hey! How are you? Your beach fantasy sounds good. I may swap my mountains. I can feel and hear it ❤️

      • I am still a bit angry and in withdrawal mode but I have some things to look forward to. Thanks for asking. Still unsure about blogging but I am trying to take some time off from the online world for a while.

  2. I couldn’t agree more! I could’ve written this myself… so thank you for doing so! It helped me too actually. Not a detriment, but a help. Hugs!

  3. Exactly what I have been feeling! Well said…taking the time to focus and reflect on our own recovery is important and sharing it is so helpful! Thank you!!

    • Thank you. I appreciate that. The post sort of went somewhere I hadn’t planned and I wasn’t sure whether to publish or not so I am glad that you could take something from it ?

    • You write out many of my own thoughts and fears so well. And this is your space…you should never apologize for bring anyone down with your feelings or your truth. Meandering your way to clarity can be messy, and it can also help others in the same boat. I know I am right there with you in more ways than one. These are strange and terrible times that impact some people in deeper ways than other. I especially get that bit about collective trauma. I am part of a group designing our response to next term. It will take planning and work. But I am taking July to recharge. I am no good to anyone if I don’t do that. We are going in to the woods with friends for two weeks. Off the grid. And it will be healing. I just finished term on the 19th, and one of our planning groups is finished today. Then I said no. No to anything next month. I’ll come back in August and help. But I need time to disconnect. We all do. Because you are right…we just did the impossible. And all of this other crap made it worse. 2020 is a dumpster fire. Sometimes we have to walk away from those (and yes, it is really hard to do that when you are the kind of person who will usually kill herself trying to put it out).

      • I am so with you on all of this. I find it hard to explain to people who don’t do the job as it makes no sense. My response makes no sense. But it is what it is. I don’t know if you have seen this and you probably have lots of things to look at but I used the PDF on here to focus my ideas for what we will do. https://restoreourschools.wordpress.com
        I hope that time in the woods helps. I am sure that it will. And YAY for being finished. You made it!!! ?

  4. Don’t be sorry for using this space for your own recovery. I’m sure everyone who is reading this is supporting you and happy that you can use this space to support yourself. I can feel your pain and anguish, frustration, anxiety in your words and I am sorry things are difficult like this right now. Remember that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. You will find your footing again. Times will be better again. But right now it’s pretty damn shitty and that’s okay too and it’s okay to feel lost. Sharing your emotions and feelings is also being strong, remember that.

    I don’t know if this is helpful but I don’t think we should look at how the little drop in the ocean will never be enough. I don’t think things have to be enough, that’s not what it’s about. One candle in the dark can make a difference and that difference can be enough to make a massive change too.

  5. This is absolutely a space for you express your feelings and we are here to listen and tell you that you are doing an excellent job. You do what you need to do to get through these times, because they are a challenge for so many of us.

  6. I have been following you a long time. I’ve read every post over that time. You’ve never failed to cause me to think. You’ve never brought me down. But I always have the choice to read or not. So wrote what you need to write. I think people will almost always find your posts helpful. This pandemic is affecting the entire world. My job is so different and so much harder now. But I will continue to do my best and help others during this lousy time. Still it is important to be able to say no! ML says, “One candle in the dark can make a difference and that difference can be enough to make a massive change!” I love that comment. You do make a massive difference and are far too hard on yourself. Give yourself some love as you try and relax.

    • Michael that is such a lovely comment and I thank you. You actually brought a tear to my eye ❤️

  7. This is your space, and this is where you should feel safe to express yourself the way you have done above. And by doing so, by expressing yourself, your fear, your sadness, your frustration, but also your happiness, you help others. I never feel like your posts bring me down. In fact, I always find something in there I can relate to, or that can help me. And the way I feel now, I want to walk into those hills with you, stand on top of one and scream with you until my throat hurts and my lungs are empty. Thank you for this post 🙂
    ~ Marie xox

    • Thank you so much. And actually to do that together right now would feel great. Hold hands and just scream! ❤️

  8. Uh, yeah. Every. Single. Word. I’m there and I’m ready to run away. Just reading your post was a hand held out from another one in the trenches of this dumpster fire of “no good choices” and “what an awful year”. This is only JULY!!! I’m already burned out.

    • I am not sure I should be happy that it resonates as that feels wrong but knowing I am not alone certainly feels like something special. Let’s hope that this is the start of us both getting where we need and want to be ❤️

  9. Thanks for writing this down and putting into words what many of us have been feeling. These are strange and difficult times, with no end in sight unfortunately. Take your time and do what helps you best ?

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.