Memoir – Becoming a submissive wife
For one reason or another, despite our determination to embrace our version of bedroom only Dominance and submission, it was a bumpy ride to begin with. We were exposed to how well it could work, and there were more than snippets of that for sure, but in terms of the bigger picture, it just didn’t come together and it felt very much off and on. Although the excitement that came from thinking of being his in that sense was was there, it sat as a layer on top of the humdrum of the day, and seemed almost elusive at times.
I had wanted something that was strong enough to transcend the grit and irritation of the day, but honestly, from memory it felt that sometimes it was just another thing. Not all the time, of course, but enough of the time to make me lose spirit and confidence in myself and throw the towel in. Wanting to feel something is not the same as actually feeling something and I shifted from ‘I just can’t do this‘ to ‘why can’t he do this‘ in a very unsatisfactory way.
Looking back now, I see that this was down to the fact that there was no structure, no rules. It was too much and not enough. It was confusing and hard to navigate. I really wanted to submit, but at the time, after a difficult day when I had felt irritated and let down and exhausted by all the demands going on around about me, submission didn’t come naturally. The control that I needed to have to keep things together all day, was hard to suddenly let go of.
At the heart of a D/s relationship has to be the power exchange. Your focus has to be on the other person and on meeting their needs. Mine wasn’t. My focus was still on meeting the needs of those around me – work commitments, family commitments etc. And then add to that the conundrum of trying to meet my own need to satisfy a ridiculously high self-expectation to get these things done. It was hard and although I knew that a transition from one headspace to the other was needed, what I didn’t know was how to do that.
What I did seem to know, almost intuitively, was how to get out of something I didn’t want to do. Years of experience had left me adept at somehow squashing the very form of dominance I craved without even knowing that I was doing it. It is fortunate really that a focus on submission allowed me to see where I was going wrong and what I was doing to extinguish the fire that I needed. What to do about it came later I suppose. I knew that there was something in this D/s thing, but I still didn’t know exactly what.
When I found myself naked and kneeling in the bedroom excited for play, it was like gold. I felt like I had always wanted to – sexy, desired, aroused – the ideal mindset for letting go and being open to explore new things together. But when I found myself naked and kneeling in the bedroom unable to let go of the responsibility and the frustration of the day, letting go just didn’t come. There was no peace, no quieting of the mind, there was just me and a list of things that I needed to process running wildly through my head.
What I should have done was to explain this, but I didn’t understand it. I wanted to submit. I had agreed to submit. I was scared that if I told him, he would take this away so instead of talking openly about the confusion of my conflicting emotions, I questioned him. Not always him, to be fair, but I questioned his instructions. Whatever he asked me to do, I would have a question to ask about it. Really this was a sign of my confused and conflicted brain and we should have seen it as such. What I needed was simply reassurance, but neither of us knew that back then.
The result felt to him like a challenge of the dominance he was trying so hard to find. Dominant in other areas, he was working hard to steal the same feelings and use them in a new way in a new setting. He was trying to apply them to managing the independent woman he had chosen who told him now that, despite her need to be in control, she actually wanted to give it up to him. I think that for him, it didn’t add up. What he knew I had told him that I wanted and what he saw reflected back at him were not the same thing. Not the same thing at all.
The questions that came as part of me seeking clarity meant that I could feel safe, trust that he was in control, and submit to him, essentially handing the power over. In actual fact they undermined his confidence in leading and meant that he felt challenged and backed off. Essentially I pushed back to test the boundaries and, because we didn’t recognise it as that, instead of the boundaries being reaffirmed and strengthened, they gave way to our lack of confidence and made us question our ability and suitability to be in these roles at all.
We muddled along like this for a couple of years with bedroom only Dominance and submission because when it worked, it really bloody worked. It probably worked well about 50% of the time but the other 50% really knocked the stuffing out of us and meant that we didn’t feel the sense of harmony, safety and security in the dynamic that we have now. It felt wobbly, uncertain, and it felt very up and down. While it was still what I wanted sexually, I can honestly say that I had never experienced feeling as intense and pleased so great, getting there felt like it wasn’t as smooth a ride as it should have been.
I decided to take part in Mrs Fever’s summer writing project which involves writing memoir. This is the third part to my memoir about becoming a submissive wife. The prompt this time was ride, and so I have focussed on the sort of bumpy ride that things were starting out. If you would like to know more about this project then follow the link and head over to Mrs Fever’s site.
To read the other parts to my memoir, please follow this link:
Becoming a submissive wife