It’s a kind of magic
I don’t use the term magic here to mean wonderful and refer to the fact that I love living a D/s lifestyle – “It’s just magic, honest!” I mean it in terms of the mysterious, mystical nature; the spell that it seems to cast over those who participate in it. There is something beautiful in feeling that you can give up control to another person, and although this is a choice, it often feels like more than that. It feels like a need, a desire so strong that you can’t ignore it, and it feels like something which does have an almost supernatural power over you. This is the magic of Dominance and submission.
Although I understand why it works, it is difficult to explain to others how it works. It is not one thing. It is not one action or one word or one deed, it is something more than that. It is to do with the way that you react to each other and connect with each other. It comes from being so highly attuned to another person that you can almost be inside their mind, reading their body and their reactions to make sure you are always one step ahead. It comes from being so close that you literally become all that they want you to be.
Magicians and Mind Readers
I tried to explain to HL the effect he had on me quite early on when I wrote The Magic, which is a short account of the way I change during the beginning of play. It seemed significant to me that what was happening almost showed me my own loss of control, of my reactions and responses and even my thoughts. Although HL was making this happen, I wasn’t sure that he realised how it felt and how on point he was, so I wanted to be able to convey that in a way that isn’t possible during play.
I think it is this feeling of the magic that means the relationship transcends others I have had. While the way we practice is a lifestyle, this would exist for me in the same way for a play based relationship and it is something that I would find hard to give up. If we have sex without the D/s elements, while it can be a nice connector, there is something that is missing and it doesn’t even feel like the same thing as a D/s scene or play. My feelings changed completely when I realised what it was I needed, and I would find it very difficult to go back to a vanilla sex life now.
It is like the difference between a jog around the block and running a marathon, a day trip locally and a dream holiday to somewhere exotic, a 5 pack of knickers from Tesco or some sexy lingerie from Agent Provocateur. They share many of the same elements, but one of them works on so many different levels than the other. For me, D/s play is the top of the range version, the best you can get. It is magic, honest! It is one of those things where, once tried, if it is your thing (and it will not be for everyone) it is hard to go back to a different brand.
Freedom and Escape
So where does the magic come from? I think that really it comes from the freedom to be our natural selves. That is not to say that others hold us back, but that society and convention has spent so long conditioning us into having certain responses to things, especially to sexuality and gender, that we have lost some of how to feel freely. These factors can be inhibiting, but the openness of D/s sort of puts pay to all of that. You end up delving deep into your own fantasies and seeing the fantasies of your partner as an elixir that you can work with, rather than as something not quite right that should be pushed aside.
In addition, D/s play usually slows everything down. It is mindful, experienced through the senses, and it allows everything and everyone else to disappear so that it becomes about that moment, that connection, that exchange and how it makes you feel and respond. It feels like magic because it goes beyond the usual exchanges we have where we limit ourselves by our own expectations, conditioning and need to self-regulate. It sounds corny but it feels almost spiritual in terms of the way that it works.
A Tale of Sexual Sorcery
If you are going to read one book about BDSM, I would suggest you try ‘Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns – The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism’. Written in 1995 it is not a new book but the basic information in it is good. Clearly from the title, the authors, Philip Miller and Molly Devon recognise the magic that is present in these sorts of relationships. While the book itself is only available in paperback and is fairly expensive, there are PDF versions to be found online. I have quoted from the book a part which I felt illustrated better than I have, the elements I am trying to describe in terms of the magic of Dominance and submission.
Mark was pleased. Terry’s submissiveness was evident in her effort to obey. He strained with craving to take her then and there. Clearly, she was desperate for it. Yes, her responses were so powerful he knew he could go much further and his pleasure in controlling her was intoxicating. He knew he could press Terry further into submission. As she dove deeper, he rose even higher, riding a tide of god-like omnipotence, revelling in the power coursing though him. His mind seemed to expand, able to absorb the tiniest details with a crystalline precision. For Mark, this was the essence of SM. Uninformed and inexperienced minds had dubbed these sexual traditions as sadism and masochism. but giving and receiving pain are only the facade. SM is a mystical union, enrapturing the dominant in a rush of power and dissolving the will of the submissive, granting her, in its place, the freedom to experience pure sensation. SM is sexual magic.Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon