Truth is important to me. Truth really is everything to me. Your truth is significant but my truth is essential. I am not keen on those who twist the truth and try to deceive others. I find them slippery and would rather deal with someone who was able to own their own words. Being truthful with yourself is the most important thing because then, even when others tell lies about you, it doesn’t make them true and in the end, that will become apparent. Likewise for those who are not honest, in the end, the truth will out.
Honesty and Trust
Being open and honest is part of our agreement. It is a non-negotiable. Honesty is essential for our power exchange to work and without it we would not be able to trust the other as we do. It is always hard to explain the level of honesty and truth required. It is like with trust. It isn’t about trusting someone not to do something to break your trust, it is about trusting that they will do everything that you need them to do. It is not about waiting to see if you can trust for whatever it is to work out, it is about them showing you all of the time that they have thought of everything and so you don’t even need to think about it.
Honesty is the same. It isn’t just about being truthful and telling the truth when asked. It is about volunteering something because it might be relevant. It is about being open on a whole new level. It means opening yourself up completely. Opening your head up and emptying all the thoughts out and laying them down in front of you. I often talk about things being less and things being more: this is the more. This way anything which is relevant can be discussed. Really something is relevant if the other person finds it to be so, so in that sense, it is wrong to make the decision beforehand by preempting.
I can decide that something is not relevant to open up about if I wish, but if at some later point it turns out that it was, then it is likely that a breakdown in communication or a misunderstanding could occur. The purpose of open and honest communication, is that misunderstanding and miscommunication will not happen. You may not always be happy with what you are hearing, but you can work through that. What you can’t work through is something that you have not heard; you are in the dark, and that is really the difference.
Being Safe and Pushing Boundaries
The other purpose for such openness and honesty is because you can’t meet someone’s needs if you don’t know what they are. You have to be willing to share your thoughts and feelings in that sense. It is hard sometimes. It is difficult to open up about things which you don’t understand or which confuse or embarrass you. Sometimes you are sharing snippets of thoughts or random ideas because they are not fully formed. But it is still important that you do that. It is part of the bigger picture.
Again, this helps to protect against misunderstanding and miscommunication. We all have triggers for things, both negative and positive. If you are very sexually aware then you may know what all of those triggers are but for most of us this is not the case. I have learnt so much about the sorts of things that will work for me and the sorts of things that won’t, but it has been a long, slow process and one which is not yet complete. If I am able to share those things, then it helps to plan play and to engage with me in a way which is safe but pushes my boundaries too.
In a D/s relationship, honesty is not a choice; it is an essential component, and there is a responsibility to do it. This is the case for both parties and if it doesn’t happen then it will likely lead to a breakdown in trust, and eventually to the breakdown of the relationship. While out and out mis-truths are always an issue, omissions can be just as damaging.
Owning My Own Truth
Owning your own truth is not easy for a variety of reasons, some of them outlined above. Last week I had to own my own truth and to be honest, it wasn’t comfortable. I found myself in a situation where my feelings caught me off guard. They confused me and left me feeling uncertain about what to do. The conversations had about them were not easy, but they were necessary. They were also relevant and significant. Because speaking about it was hard it would have been the easier option not to have mentioned it, but that is not the level of honesty required in a D/s relationship, so really needs must.
It can be hard to find the words when you don’t really know what you feel. It can be hard to formulate them when you don’t really know what the response of the person you are talking to is going to be. And it can be hard to own up to thoughts and feelings which you don’t fully understand yourself. But you do it and in doing so, what you are thinking and feeling no longer becomes about just you, it becomes about both of you. There is reassurance in that. A shared responsibility and a shared ownership of the direction you take is formed, and that is helpful when you are travelling the road together.