this is my truth

This is my Truth

Truth is important to me. Truth really is everything to me. Your truth is significant but my truth is essential. I am not keen on those who twist the truth and try to deceive others. I find them slippery and would rather deal with someone who was able to own their own words. Being truthful with yourself is the most important thing because then, even when others tell lies about you, it doesn’t make them true and in the end, that will become apparent. Likewise for those who are not honest, in the end, the truth will out.

Honesty and Trust

Being open and honest is part of our agreement. It is a non-negotiable. Honesty is essential for our power exchange to work and without it we would not be able to trust the other as we do. It is always hard to explain the level of honesty and truth required. It is like with trust. It isn’t about trusting someone not to do something to break your trust, it is about trusting that they will do everything that you need them to do. It is not about waiting to see if you can trust for whatever it is to work out, it is about them showing you all of the time that they have thought of everything and so you don’t even need to think about it.

Honesty is the same. It isn’t just about being truthful and telling the truth when asked. It is about volunteering something because it might be relevant. It is about being open on a whole new level. It means opening yourself up completely. Opening your head up and emptying all the thoughts out and laying them down in front of you. I often talk about things being less and things being more: this is the more. This way anything which is relevant can be discussed. Really something is relevant if the other person finds it to be so, so in that sense, it is wrong to make the decision beforehand by preempting.

I can decide that something is not relevant to open up about if I wish, but if at some later point it turns out that it was, then it is likely that a breakdown in communication or a misunderstanding could occur. The purpose of open and honest communication, is that misunderstanding and miscommunication will not happen. You may not always be happy with what you are hearing, but you can work through that. What you can’t work through is something that you have not heard; you are in the dark, and that is really the difference.

Being Safe and Pushing Boundaries

The other purpose for such openness and honesty is because you can’t meet someone’s needs if you don’t know what they are. You have to be willing to share your thoughts and feelings in that sense. It is hard sometimes. It is difficult to open up about things which you don’t understand or which confuse or embarrass you. Sometimes you are sharing snippets of thoughts or random ideas because they are not fully formed. But it is still important that you do that. It is part of the bigger picture.

Again, this helps to protect against misunderstanding and miscommunication. We all have triggers for things, both negative and positive. If you are very sexually aware then you may know what all of those triggers are but for most of us this is not the case. I have learnt so much about the sorts of things that will work for me and the sorts of things that won’t, but it has been a long, slow process and one which is not yet complete. If I am able to share those things, then it helps to plan play and to engage with me in a way which is safe but pushes my boundaries too.

In a D/s relationship, honesty is not a choice; it is an essential component, and there is a responsibility to do it. This is the case for both parties and if it doesn’t happen then it will likely lead to a breakdown in trust, and eventually to the breakdown of the relationship. While out and out mis-truths are always an issue, omissions can be just as damaging.

Owning My Own Truth

Owning your own truth is not easy for a variety of reasons, some of them outlined above. Last week I had to own my own truth and to be honest, it wasn’t comfortable. I found myself in a situation where my feelings caught me off guard. They confused me and left me feeling uncertain about what to do. The conversations had about them were not easy, but they were necessary. They were also relevant and significant. Because speaking about it was hard it would have been the easier option not to have mentioned it, but that is not the level of honesty required in a D/s relationship, so really needs must.

It can be hard to find the words when you don’t really know what you feel. It can be hard to formulate them when you don’t really know what the response of the person you are talking to is going to be. And it can be hard to own up to thoughts and feelings which you don’t fully understand yourself. But you do it and in doing so, what you are thinking and feeling no longer becomes about just you, it becomes about both of you. There is reassurance in that. A shared responsibility and a shared ownership of the direction you take is formed, and that is helpful when you are travelling the road together.


Prompt 418 #Truth
Posted in Building a D/s Dynamic.

26 Comments

  1. “In a D/s relationship, honesty is not a choice; it is an essential component, and there is a responsibility to do it. ”

    I don’t think enough people understand this.

    “And it can be hard to own up to thoughts and feelings which you don’t fully understand yourself”

    Or this, but once you do it’s life changing.
    Thanks for sharing 🙂

    • You are welcome and thank you for understanding. It took me a while to see that the honesty and the trust had to be on a different level to make it work. I suppose it ties in to being open and is maybe why there seems to be more experimentation with things that are boundaries in other relationships. Thank you, missy x

  2. I have found in my relationship with you that owning up to thoughts, feeling and actions may be difficult topics, however, openness, and sometimes some painful conversations, protect you more as a couple and make you stronger.

    • Thank you. I know you have had to put up with a lot from me over the years but we have benefitted from the honesty x

  3. I can totally relate to your first paragraph ans these are my feelings about truth and honesty too, but what you discuss and explore in relation to D/s is a new level for me. I am impressed that thoughts, feelings and even half-formed ideas and attitudes get discussed and thrashed out. This is new to me.

    Most partners I have had would consider my thoughts and feelings on every topic to be white noise, at best white noise and at worst an annoyance. My OH is a very capable person who needs to organise things his own way and we both discuss most things but there are places where we keep our own consel or deal with things ourselves. Also I am apt to change my mind on how I feel about things and I’m very good at compartmentalising – emotions, arguments, work, Posy – all in different boxes.

    Maybe I should strive a little more towards your model, it does sound as if it works well for you.

    • I really think that different things work for different people. For me it was refreshing to feel that I had his undivided attention and it meant that I could stop with the nagging and the hinting to see if he had listened so it was helpful in that sense ?

  4. Honesty between partners should be a key element to the relationship, whether in a D/s relationship or not, but especially in D/s. If partners don’t talk honestly about their feelings, their needs, then either one or both will eventually be unhappy because expectations are not met. I love your first paragraph – that is true for all walks of life, not only relationships. Thank you for sharing a thought-provoking piece.
    ~ Marie xox

  5. I’ve always admired your writing and your communication model is one that I aspire to. MrH and I struggle because he doesnt speak much and I lack the confidence to.

    Truth and honesty though, those I agree are essential, especially in a D/s relationship. Your opening paragraph says it all. The truth will out in the end.

    Take care

    Sweet x

    • Thanks sweet. I think we are all different and as long as you and MrH are happy and make it work, you don’t need the same very upfront approach that I employ ?

  6. Honesty is of paramount importance for me in any relationship where I have invested time in the person – I greatly admire your determination to keep your D’s on tract in all ways
    May x

    • I think for me too. Betrayal is hard but I find it’s better to take the chance even if it may not work ?

  7. well said, truth is the core basis of our relationship here too. without it how could I expect her to let me know if she really liked something or was just trying to make me feel better.

    • Yes I agree. It is so difficult to explain to those on the outside as it can look quite different than the way that it actually feels. Thank you ?

  8. Yes, honesty is so important. I think it’s how Sir and I have managed to maintain a long distance relationship. Being honest leads to more trust and I think no matter how difficult it may be at times, it’s the willingness to open up and be transparent that strengthens the bond in a relationship. You are essentially inviting the other person come alongside you on your particular journey.

  9. Finding truth in how you feel can be difficult, why I feel a certain way. When we say we are fine when we are not. But like you say you need to be truthful to yourself, as ever missy speaks the truth again ?

    • Aww thanks PS and you are so right. We are sort of conditioned to tell people what we think they want to hear, rather than telling them how we really feel ?

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