Memoir – Becoming a submissive wife
The winds of change really started when my mother-in-law recommended a new trilogy she had been reading as holiday literature that I might want to consider. “It has, you know, sex and things, but I sort of skipped some of that as it was quite a good story and I wanted to know what happened. It is a bit silly and they are not the best books I have read, but you might enjoy them.” And that was how I came to be in an Italian villa, with my then boyfriend, reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ and having the greatest sexual epiphany of my life. All in my forties.
We had been living together for about 6 months, in a formal relationship for about a year, and been something other for some time longer, by this point. I suppose we knew that we were kinky. Or we knew at least that he was and that he was making me own up to all of the things I had always wanted to try but had been afraid to admit to. We knew that sex was important to us, to both of us, and that while there were lots of things about the other that we loved, sexually we had never really felt anything like this with anyone else before.
I suppose that this book did what many others had done before it in terms of providing something between its words which excited me sexually. And actually, the more I thought, the more I saw that it wasn’t between the words, but rather it was the words. Yes, it was a story of a couple who were delving into some of the kinky things that we also experimented with, but it wasn’t about the sex, it was about something else. And what this book gave me that no others had before it, were the words to articulate what that was.
Dominance and submission. I had heard of them of course, but had never previously really understood. I must include a caveat here and say that this book is not, in my opinion, a good example of a Dominant submissive relationship. However, at that point it was enough for me to take all of the tiny pieces of things which I had felt and not understood, and form them into something that could actually make sense. Sexually I was submissive, and suddenly that seemed to be the crux of everything.
Now I don’t really like labels. No sooner have you found one, than you seem to be under some sort of unwritten pressure to change yourself to make it a better fit, but they do help us to make sense of the world and of our own thoughts and feelings. Having the word, or the label, was important for me. It was the turning point really. Not only could I use it to learn more, I would also be able to use it to help others to understand what it was that I thought I needed and wanted, although that came a bit later.
In that moment, and I think it really was one defining moment, I just sat and let my mind sift and sort, and process and collect, and allow all of the many pieces and fragments of memory to be drawn towards this one word, submissive, as metal fragments to a magnet. Once there they stuck and waited as I went through them one by one. And while some were made from incidents, events and reactions, others were questions and responses and feelings which had never made any sense to me before.
I went through them though, combing gently back over my past and reliving my memories with new eyes, as slowly a realisation of how and why and what seemed to settle over me, as time suspended. To the outside world nothing discernible had happened, nor I think to my then boyfriend, chuckling at ‘A Vroom with a View: in search of Italy’s dolce vita on a ’61 Vespa’ sat next to me, but for for me, everything had just changed.
I decided to take part in Mrs Fever’s summer writing project which involves writing memoir. This is the first part to my memoir about becoming a submissive wife. The prompt this time was wind, and so I have gone with with the idea of the winds of change. If you would like to know more about this project then follow the link and head over to Mrs Fever’s site.
To read the other parts to my memoir, please follow this link:
Becoming a submissive wife