libido on lockdown

Is my Libido on Lockdown?

I had hoped that being isolated with HL all day would allow us to ramp things up a bit sexually, but the current lockdown seems to have had the opposite effect and led to a loss in libido. I am not sure if I am alone in this, but it seems odd considering that there should be more opportunity to spark things between us and not less. The weird thing is that I don’t seem to mind. Although it feels like I should want the heat and spice, I wonder if my mind has just accepted that my libido has switched into dormant mode, along with some of the other aspects of my life.

We talked about this last night as I don’t think that HL has been feeling it either. We thought initially that it was about adjusting and had a lot of discussion around how to make us the focus in our newly changed situation. But actually, despite ideas and plans, nothing has really changed. We seem to be on a bit of a go slow and, although we are not doing anything which should be exhausting us, we seem to be lacking some of our usual energy and fire. We came to the conclusion there were a few things playing into this.

Lack of engagement with others

There is something about engagement with others that somehow reinforces your place in the world. I think that as people, so often we spark off others, and they way that we are viewed can often form part of our own identity. This can make us feel more confident and boost our self-esteem, so I suppose it stands to reason that without this, we might feel a little bit lost. Engagement with others can also feed into our own creative energy and so not having this can leave us feeling a bit stagnant or even numb.

Adapting to change

The parts of that brain where desire is located, also manage our emotional responses. Currently our brains will be focussed on survival and many of us are also dealing with high levels of anxiety. Adapting to these changes may mean that your brain is not just stimulated less by the interactions in the world around you, but also focussed on the more basic needs and on managing your own levels of stress. Although for some, this can increase their libido, for others it will feel as if it comes and goes, or may seem to drop away altogether.

Making an effort

Changes in routine, and not leaving the house for long periods of time may mean that you stop making the same effort or taking the same care over yourself that you used to. Dressing in a certain way to leave for work at the office may be replaced by comfortable or practical attire, better suited to working from home. While comfortable and practical can feel relaxing and comforting, it may not spark your libido in the same way as taking time over your appearance might do, and over time, this can affect the way that you feel.

Bad habits

For many of us, life on lockdown will be less active and more sedentary than our regular routine would be. In addition to exercising less, we may also be treating ourselves by eating and drinking differently than we usually would – a sort of holiday mood kicks in. While actual changes to our bodies tend to happen very gradually, psychologically we can get into the wrong mindset pretty fast. Feeling heavy or slow or bloated is definitely a passion killer, and although changes can easily be made, it requires considerable effort, particularly when a habit has formed.

Family dynamics

Being in constant close contact with family members can be tricky and relationships can become strained. The pressure cooker effect doesn’t lead to feeling sexy, and while sex can be a great stress reliever, it isn’t always the first thing we think of. Struggling for privacy may be another issue and feeling like there is no space to engage with your partner means that the tender moments you often share which help to keep your spark, may suddenly have to be put on hold. You may also simply be exhausted from trying to juggle work and family commitments in a new way.

In times of stress, allowing yourself to feel less can be a coping mechanism

Although the part of my brain which has lost its libido is telling me just to sit it out and let it go, there is still a part of me that wants to make things better. There is a part that still sees this as an opportunity to make changes to the things we are doing now and get back on track by reversing a number of the causes above and switching them around. I know from that past that it is easy to fall into the trap of switching off a bit so that the bad stuff doesn’t feel as bad, but it also blocks us from getting the best from the good bits that are within out reach too.

Although I set out to write about being resigned to putting my libido on hold for the lockdown, thinking about why this has happened has actually made me feel more like I want to do something to change it. Hopefully with some effort and some thought we can make more of an effort, get more active and kick some of the bad habits that we have allowed to slip in. Being creative about the ways we engage and interact, and demonstrating the genuine love we have for each other will surely be a good place to start, but I will keep you posted.



I have written a few posts about how the lockdown has affected me, including a diary entry. The diary was part of a project I was invited to take part in by May More, where seven bloggers recorded their thoughts over seven days. I am excited to say that our book, Seven Days in April: The Lockdown Diaries, is now available on Amazon.

Posted in Submissive Journal.

26 Comments

  1. The title of this post made me laugh though it’s not really something to laugh about, I guess, haha.

    You know how when you lie in bed all day and do nothing you feel more exhausted when when you get up and do stuff? Maybe that’s what is happening with the lockdown. And I think you’re right, engagement with others feeds into our creative energy. It’s kind of like bouncing ideas with someone. It gives you new ideas.

    In general I rarely feel like I want to have an orgasm (no sex since I am not in a relationship) but when I decide to just have an orgasm, without feeling like I really want one, I still enjoy it and the more often I do it, the more my libido seems to become active. Might be worth trying to just go for it? But being creative about the ways you engage and interact sounds like the best place to start.

    • I think you are right and I have always been a more the more and less the less sort of person. We wondered about restricting access to each other. Will see how that does. Sometimes you want the things you can’t have and maybe we are just too easy ?

  2. I think you nailed it all the way around. And you’re not alone! We’ve had the same difficulties. Everything is just off…and for so many reasons. Here’s to hoping it gets better for all of us soon!

    • Thank you QH. I think it’s hard to adapt to a sudden, and unknown, change of circumstances and things do feel very strange. I hope that you are both safe and well ?

  3. So much of this resonates for me too. Granted our situations are slightly different but the lockdown has the same effect. I hope you and HL are able to make the adjustments you need to get it back. ❤️

    • Thank you Jae. I realise that we are lucky that we are able to spend the time together and support each other, so a bit of a loss of drive is a small price to pay for that for sure. I hope that you will be able to be with those you love soon and I imagine there will be no shortage of drive to show how you feel when that happens! ❤️

  4. I kinda feel the same and miss the engagement with others too. At least I know that we are not alone in this. Thank you.

    • Thank you amsa. I always find knowing that other can relate is helpful too. Thank you for taking the time to comment ?

  5. I’m struggling to even masturbate like I used to (it’s just me and my housemate in lockdown). I look down there sometimes and just think, “sorry mate, not today” and then go play Skyrim (walking around Skyrim is my coping mechanism for not walking around the real world!).

    • Thank you so much for commenting Charlie. I think we all find coping mechanisms and I am glad that you have found one that works for you. I haven’t heard the name Skyrim for ages but it made me smile as I remember that some years ago now it was all the thing at school. We have even had the old wii fit out for family fun! ?

  6. I have found myself in similar circumstances. Receding has been my coping mechanism. Like I’m somehow hibernating to survive. Sitting most of the day staring at a computer screen and shifting into a style and pace of work that is demanding a September level of focus and dedication from me has left me with little creative energy. And that, in turn has taken its toll on my sexuality.

    I think your observations on the reasons behind this are accurate, and I can see my own experience in them.

    It seems ironic to have so much less energy. At a time when I could dedicate myself to creating, having a lot of sex, and getting shit done, mostly I do none of these. And from what I have read, this is more common than not.

    These are not normal times, and our brains and bodies are responding in kind.

    I applaud your desire to get back on track, and there is a part of me that would love to join you in that endeavor. But there is also a part of me that wants to simply allow myself to “be” in this mess, and not expect even more of myself than I am capable of giving. For me, receding right now is the healthiest thing I can do. Slowly, I will make my way back. In time, normalcy will return. But the current pressures demand much of many of us, and I think it is okay to cut ourselves some slack.

    • Thanks Brigit. Your comment is really helpful as there are so many parallels in our circumstances. I think that for me work plays a huge part. The demand there is never ending so it is natural and easy to get lost in that. I have found myself being pulled in that l direction too and understand what you say about the hibernation mode. I am not sure what will end up happening. While I want to change things and feel it’s important, like you my creative energy is low. My role is also by nature more receptive than active and that becomes more the case the less action there is for me to respond to if that makes sense. Thank you for adding your thoughts – you have helped me to reflect further ❤️

  7. Ironically, my wife and I have had this exact conversation. With the 3 kids home, and all of the togetherness(read: more stress), its been difficult to just find that alone time. Both of our jobs have had direct impact from the new reality(read: more stress). We are both still employed, but the demands of both our jobs went up dramatically. We both don’t seem to have the energy we used to have in this new reality. So, you certainly not alone with your libido loss.

    • Thank you so much for commenting aljtdj. Your situation sounds very similar to ours and although we are lucky to be still working, working from home and the expectation that you will be able to meet the demands of your job in this new way with out the relevant planning, training or resourcing that would usually go with such a change, is quite overwhelming. I think that feeling of stress is never far away as your mind ticks over and tries to process it. Balancing that with family life and the stress of the current world situation doesn’t leave much over to focus on a relationship. Unfortunately we know the theory but it isn’t meaning that we put it into practice. I am torn between fighting to get things back on track and cutting myself some slack! ?

    • Thank you Mary – it means a lot to know that and helps to put things into perspective ?

  8. Great stance on this and so bloody true! I feel constantly weary and bored. Doing the project helped somewhat and i am grateful for that xx

    • I am glad that the project helped. I think that having a focus does and have tried to view it like that. I am feeling overwhelmed with the demands of balancing work and home and life but I think it is equally as hard for those who don’t have work to throw themselves in to. So much change that it is hard to adapt ❤️

  9. This made my thoughts wander back to the 3.5 years Master T has now been working home, and in connection with that, our D/s being less and less, even though it’s still there, but just barely. Reading what you have written, made me realize that it might not have been only his health condition that made him withdraw almost completely from dominance, but that WFH definitely had its influence too. And now, with me working home too, I know it has influenced me too. Food for thought. These are strange times indeed…

    Rebel xox

    • I think there are many aspects to a D/s relationship and sometimes there is a shift (not necessarily one you wanted) in terms of the way each works. It is a case of constantly working to manage that shift I think. ?

  10. Hi Missy, We are actually not living much differently because we are in a rural area and spend most of our time pretty isolated in farming activities. What is different is the fear and uncertainty of the future and I think that is the thing that changes our priorities. I try to detach from the outside world and focus on just getting us from point a to point b but it’s impossible to ignore what is happening. We are in the northeastern US and nothing is ‘normal’ anymore. As far as play for us it’s been a boost because nobody comes anywhere near our house so there’s opportunity for some real Master/slave play 24-7. The first few weeks of the pandemic shutdown here in the states was peppered with some serious meltdowns for me but once I got past the fear and uncertainty and accepted that this is the way it’s going to be I was able to look at the pluses. Sometimes I feel guilty for enjoying the isolation but it’s actually great for the privacy. Our dynamic is the best thing in our lives and since neither of us is sick with the thing we can enjoy it. So that’s how we are coping. elskling xoxo

    • Great to hear from you Elskling and I am so glad that you are both well and holding up. It is lovely to hear that this has given opportunities for focus on your dynamic too – I think working kind of got in the way for us and it feels quite consuming at the moment. Hopefully we will get there though x

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