Judging by my recent google visits, I would say that there are quite a few people out there currently who are curious about Dominance and submission. There are lots of myths about what D/s is and isn’t and so I thought that it would be a good idea to bust some of those myths and write about what it is for me, which will lead me neatly to my first myth. So here goes with the most common misconceptions I have come across about what is involved in this thing that we do.
The ‘One True Way’
There seems to be an idea presented out there in fiction, on social media, and amongst some of those pertaining to be experts, that there is only one way to for a D/s relationship to be. This is not the case. As far as I am concerned the only right way is the one that works for you so I would always advise taking what you think will work and leaving the rest where you found it. It took us a while to have the confidence to do that but really, life became so much easier once we did.
To try to do what works for others can lead to a relationship which is difficult to sustain. It is important to think of why you want to do something as if it has value to you, you are more likely to stick with it and make it work. Although it is good to talk to others and you can learn a lot from them, each relationship will be as different as the people in it and there is no rule book, despite what others may try to make you believe.
Submissives are weak and Dominants are selfish
If this is the case then I have been mixing in the wrong circles, because I have yet to meet a weak submissive. Most of those I know who follow D/s as a lifestyle are strong, capable, independent people and do this from choice, because giving up control in some aspects of their relationship works well for them. It takes a lot of strength to do that and you have to have a lot of trust and belief in the person you are submitting to so, in many ways, this is one of the greatest misnomers about submission.
The myth that Dominants are selfish is also false. A good Dominant will always put their submissive first. In fact, meeting the needs of the other is central to any D/s relationship so actually, if you are doing this, then your own needs will be secondary to those of your partner. This works for both of you and is often one of the things that people really like as meeting the needs of a person you care about is very rewarding.
All the power lies with the Dom
My response to the previous myth brings me quite nicely onto this one. D/s is based on a power exchange, but this is a choice. The submissive chooses to give power to the Dominant. They can choose to take this back at any given point and most partners will agree on a safeword for this very reason. Although it may look as if one party has all of the power, the boundaries and limits are agreed beforehand through thorough communication.
Both parties will respect the agreed boundaries and limits because it is a consensual arrangement. While a power exchange dynamic may look unequal, actually both sub and Dom have agreed to the role that they take on so there is a balance to the power, even though agreed elements of it are being exchanged. D/s is based on give and take and the power exchange works in a circular motion with the actions of one eliciting a response from the other and so on.
Dominants are mind readers
If you have read much D/s fiction or watched many D/s films, then you may assume that somehow, when someone enters a D/s relationship, they develop the power of telepathy. Although this would be cool and make things an awful lot easier, it is utter codswallop and will lead to great disappointment on both sides. A good Dominant will be attentive and attuned to their submissive so hopefully they will pick up on certain signs and signals about how they are feeling, but this is not the same thing.
They will also spend time checking in and so will have a good understanding of how their sub is feeling and how they are doing. In addition to this, the communication about needs and desires that is openly expressed, the discussion of limits and boundaries, as well as what is working well and what isn’t, can lead to both partners have a pretty intimate connection and a good idea of what the other thinks, feels and wants. While this can look like mind reading, it isn’t and comes from a process of continual open and honest communication between you.
It is all about the sex
Another myth that the media would have us believe is that D/s is all about the sex. While some couples may be D/s in the bedroom only, others, like us, live it as a lifestyle so the power exchange involves more than just the physical side. Even in the bedroom, it is about exploring your desires together and, while this may often end up in sex, it won’t necessarily always be the case. For many of us there can be a sexual charge about it that excites us makes things more thrilling, but it is essentially about the connection between the two of you.
While kinky fun may be part of your relationship, the myth that it is all about S & M is also untrue. Many D/s couples I have met are into kinky play but really, it is about the power exchange in whatever form that works for you. The idea of a full-time submissive as someone who waits naked on their knees by the door for their Dom to come home is neither practical not desirable for many of us, although once in a while it might be a fantasy that we would enjoy to play out.
D/s is a fairytale
This is a difficult one because although I have never been happier, so to all intents and purposes this is my happily ever after, you get out what you put in and something this good is going to involve work on both sides. You need to be prepared for that and also be prepared to make mistakes and get over that. As with everything in life, we learn as we go, so you can expect to have a few bumps and hurdles along the way. Finding good information and friends to talk to can be a support and is something that we have really benefited from.
Having strong foundations to your relationship will really help, so making sure that communication, respect, honesty and trust are an integral part of your dynamic is important. Keeping the other person as your focus and working to meet their needs will mean that, whether you are bedroom only or living a D/s lifestyle, you have a good chance of feeling like it is a dream come true. And on that note, I am off to kiss my prince before I get my bottom spanked for being late to bed.
Hopefully I have managed to dispel some of the more common myths and left you wanting to know more. If this is the case and you are still feeling curious about Dominance and submission then you might want to check out these posts about D/s for married couples.