In thinking about fantasies or, more specifically my fantasies, I have to admit that I have come quite far, for someone who wouldn’t discuss them and couldn’t write about them. It has taken a long time, and I have still got a long way to go, but I think that over the course of my time blogging, I have begin to feel more comfortable talking about them. Now I was never hesitant because I am embarrassed to share. I can talk about sex and desire quite openly, it was more because they were hard to pin down. I suppose that the sorts of fantasies that I read about had a clear storyline and followed a sequence of events. Mine have never been like that.
As I explained in The Reality of my Fantasy, my fantasies were more things made up of snapshots of words and feelings and images. They made sense to me and turned me on, but they were never something I could grasp onto and articulate into something that would make sense to someone else. Apart from anything else, they often felt extreme and weren’t actually things that I wanted to do. They sort of shocked me in some senses and there was no way that I could make them my own and put them out there.
I think that I understand that more now, having explored my sexuality and desire much more fully the past ten years. Some of those things had been repressed on the surface because I had been made to feel that they wouldn’t be acceptable. These thoughts actually formed the root of my fantasies but it was only through understanding their use in erotic humiliation and the cognitive dissonance that this caused, that I could see why they had never been available to me in the way that they seemed to be for many others.
I have explored this a lot on my blog, and posts such as The Thrill of Shame go into a bit more detail about how this works for me. Suffice to say, the things that I find taboo, are often the things that turn me on most. I have known from the start that these were somehow the things that I loved to hate, but it wasn’t until more recently that I really understood why, or how this worked. My fantasies are still like that and a lot remains private but I have been able to shape some of them into a more conventional format.
I first wrote about an actual fantasy in a format that I felt it would fit what others seemed to have, for HL as part of my advent calendar in 2017. He wanted me to talk more about what was in my head and I wanted to show that it was important to me to push myself. He actually asked me to write another one the following year. Writing fiction has been another way of doing this and, although I don’t write a lot of fiction, most of what comes out is based on the things that I think about and the things which turn me on. There is a common theme of Dominance and submission, as well as erotic humiliation.
While much of what I write can be hot for me, they remain things which would often push me up against my boundaries, so are not things that I would necessarily want to do in reality. They are made up of the snapshots and thoughts and images which I draw from. The thought of them is often enough and to hear them said out loud will tap far enough into what I have pushed away, that I would not actually need to do them.
That being said, they do allow me to access my submissive space and the acting out of them would be so far past what I would ever ask for or acknowledge, that I realise it would push my submission to another level. This is why I feel the title fits: ‘indulgence, vice and all things nice’ summarises the contradictions that I feel about many of the fantasies I have. I become aroused by things which I am not really happy to accept that I want. I want to be made to want them, to be exposed in my wanting of them, and to teeter on the precipice of emotional pleasure and pain.
Hit the links above to see who else is writing about fantasies or Indulgence, vice and all things nice or click here to read some of my fiction.