So having an idle moment (very occasionally they come!) I thought about writing something. I realised it had been a while since i had written for Brigit’s Erotic Journal Challenge so went to check it out. I had read her post a while back, explaining that she was changing to a monthly theme, so imagine my delight when I saw what the topic was. Fear, insecurity, anxiety and self-doubt. Well, if the cap fits as they say. And this cap most certainly does. Fear, insecurity, anxiety and self-doubt are common threads in my life and they all work together, feeding each other so that I fall foul of them.
I know what causes this fear of not being good enough. It goes WAAAAY back to the past. But what is interesting is my lack of action to change it. And I do believe that we can change things. We can’t always control our circumstances but we can control our responses to them. So do you want to change things is a common question for me when trying to support others who are struggling. What do you think you need to change? How would you like things to look if I could wave a magic wand for you right now? How would they be different?
So it is interesting that fear, insecurity, anxiety and self-doubt cause a circle of emotions that I actually choose to live within. I could walk away as easily as walking away from anything is. Actually the difficulty depends on what you are leaving behind and how embedded in it you are on a HUGE number of levels, but as a person who has walked away from some very challenging situations in the past, I don’t doubt my ability. So then, I have to doubt my resolve to change things. For some strange reason, I like living with these parasites which seem to drag me down. So many of the negative thought processes I have chosen to throw away, but these I keep. INTERESTING!
So I think this must be because I like them. Weird because I hate them, except they are a comfortable slipper. They keep me grounded. They keep me from floating away on the idea of my own success. They keep me modest and self-deprecating and they allow me to be no threat, everybody’s friend as it were. Except that I use them to hide so many others never see me, never notice me, for I am not at the front of the line. I am somewhere in the middle, shuffling along, wondering whether I should pull out or keep going. The middle of the queue is an interesting place. I am still in the game, but without the confidence in my own place that others seem to have.
My old friends above, insecurity, anxiety and self-doubt, they whisper in my ear. They laugh and they point and they question what the hell I am doing. They cause my fear and it causes my hesitation. They take everything that I might feel and they turn it on its head. Stupid inner dialogue. I want to turn it off. I want to shut it down. I want to escape from it and to see where that goes. To see where I go. But I don’t do that. I do what I know. I do the only thing that I feel I can do and I keep moving in a forward direction but keep my eyes all around. I am hyper-vigilant, checking and anticipating and throwing up my defences all around me.
I become super efficient. A force to be reckoned with. Those who know me well see only what I want them to see. I am awesome. I have it all, I do it all, but inside it doesn’t sit well. I am worried someone might see through me. I am worried that someone might uncover and discover, so I throw out some of my magical I-can-do-it-all dust and that makes them blink, just long enough so that I can get back to where I need to be, as if I had been there all of the time. It is clever. It is how I live and how I work, but it tires me out sometimes. It can exhaust me. And I can lose myself to it all. It makes me who I am, but sometimes I wonder if it stops me from being who I really want to be.