Fear, insecurity, anxiety and self-doubt

So having an idle moment (very occasionally they come!) I thought about writing something. I realised it had been a while since i had written for Brigit’s Erotic Journal Challenge so went to check it out. I had read her post a while back, explaining that she was changing to a monthly theme, so imagine my delight when I saw what the topic was. Fear, insecurity, anxiety and self-doubt. Well, if the cap fits as they say. And this cap most certainly does. Fear, insecurity, anxiety and self-doubt are common threads in my life and they all work together, feeding each other so that I fall foul of them.

I know what causes this fear of not being good enough. It goes WAAAAY back to the past. But what is interesting is my lack of action to change it. And I do believe that we can change things. We can’t always control our circumstances but we can control our responses to them. So do you want to change things is a common question for me when trying to support others who are struggling. What do you think you need to change? How would you like things to look if I could wave a magic wand for you right now? How would they be different?

So it is interesting that fear, insecurity, anxiety and self-doubt cause a circle of emotions that I actually choose to live within. I could walk away as easily as walking away from anything is. Actually the difficulty depends on what you are leaving behind and how embedded in it you are on a HUGE number of levels, but as a person who has walked away from some very challenging situations in the past, I don’t doubt my ability. So then, I have to doubt my resolve to change things. For some strange reason, I like living with these parasites which seem to drag me down. So many of the negative thought processes I have chosen to throw away, but these I keep. INTERESTING!

So I think this must be because I like them. Weird because I hate them, except they are a comfortable slipper. They keep me grounded. They keep me from floating away on the idea of my own success. They keep me modest and self-deprecating and they allow me to be no threat, everybody’s friend as it were. Except that I use them to hide so many others never see me, never notice me, for I am not at the front of the line. I am somewhere in the middle, shuffling along, wondering whether I should pull out or keep going. The middle of the queue is an interesting place. I am still in the game, but without the confidence in my own place that others seem to have.

My old friends above, insecurity, anxiety and self-doubt, they whisper in my ear. They laugh and they point and they question what the hell I am doing. They cause my fear and it causes my hesitation. They take everything that I might feel and they turn it on its head. Stupid inner dialogue. I want to turn it off. I want to shut it down. I want to escape from it and to see where that goes. To see where I go. But I don’t do that. I do what I know. I do the only thing that I feel I can do and I keep moving in a forward direction but keep my eyes all around. I am hyper-vigilant, checking and anticipating and throwing up my defences all around me.

I become super efficient. A force to be reckoned with. Those who know me well see only what I want them to see. I am awesome. I have it all, I do it all, but inside it doesn’t sit well. I am worried someone might see through me. I am worried that someone might uncover and discover, so I throw out some of my magical I-can-do-it-all dust and that makes them blink, just long enough so that I can get back to where I need to be, as if I had been there all of the time. It is clever. It is how I live and how I work, but it tires me out sometimes. It can exhaust me. And I can lose myself to it all. It makes me who I am, but sometimes I wonder if it stops me from being who I really want to be.

 

Fear and self-doubt

Erotic Journal Challenge

 

Sex Bloggers for Mental Health

 

Posted in Mental Health, Submissive Musings.

23 Comments

  1. Hmmm I’ve said it before upi need to be so much kinder to yourself than you are.

    “I am likely one of those annoying bloggers who you just don’t want to bother about because if doesn’t feel like they bother with you.”

    Your posts are always top of my reading list, and yes I think sometimes you expect too much of yourself, as do so many of us today.

  2. Negative self talk … a spankable offence in this household ;)) … I am fairly sure, from reading your blog and being a member of the SWC, how you see yourself, Missy, is not at all how you appear to others. You just need to find a way to quiet that noise in your head … and yes, I know, being an overthinker myself, that’s easier said than done … nj … xx

    • Thanks Nora. I didn’t mean it to come over as negative self talk. I feel a lot of it is fact really. I do take on too much and it is more than I can do to the standard that I would like to ❤️

    • I will try. I tend to see it as being realistic though and it helps me to keep myself in check and balance. I see how it may come over though and, as always, I appreciate your support. Thank you 🙂

  3. Very honest, and I think that’s why it resonates with so many readers. Modern times bring us so many amazing things, including being able to sit here and read what’s on your mind, Missy, but I think there is a price we pay. Just as the internet has become faster and bigger in an unfathomable way. Just like computers and phones in general get faster and more capable, an integral part of our jobs and of our home life. Life seems to take on the same speed, and that feeling that if we are just more efficient, we can do it all. Especially when Sam and I are concentrating on each other, whether we are in the bedroom or just talking earnestly, we can push the world and its pace aside. Unplugging is a way for me to breathe deeply and relax.

    • I think you have made a really good point. Life is too fast and too demanding in lots of ways but the escape that I have through my submission really helps. I wrote this post at an ebb and I think that probably was part of it. I am ok with how I get but it is better and easier when I am taken in hand! 🙂

  4. Very open & raw.
    You at least know yourself. You know who you are and what you are afraid of. I think that’s a good thing. If you’re comfortable there…stay….I know I have and still do. To me, it’s whatever works best for you. Like everyone else has said….Try not to be so hard on yourself.
    Happy Thoughts,
    Cat

    • Thanks Cat. I think I am happy there, like a comfortable shoe. I am lucky that I get other times when there is more release and the whole thing balances and works well for me. I think as I age I worry less and don’t see these things as being hard on myself and more as you have said, knowing myself and my tendencies. Always better to be forearmed. 🙂

  5. Love the way you have written this – have you read “the mind parasites” by Colin Wilson? this reminds me of that book a bit. You understand yourself so well – more than most and u are so honest about your strengths and weaknesses. I don’t see u “in the middle” – – your brain is far to sharp for that x

  6. First, let me echo and agree with Nora and Sweet. Annoying blogger? You are the ONLY blogger I read regularly! But I won’t repeat what they’ve said. 😉

    As for the rest, welcome to being a human who is trying to be a good human. We’re all imperfect and the ones who try to be better humans…to make the world a better place…can easily focus on what makes them human (imperfect results of life in a fallen world), all the while seeing more of what they get wrong than what they get right. While I’m sure you are one of he most self aware people I “know”, I also know you’re better than you give yourself credit for being.

    • Thanks for that. I noticed things were jumping when I replied. Some comments disappeared and others have attached themselves to different posts. It’s gone crazy!

  7. I do the same thing. I let myself remain in this loop, even though I have the power to get out of it. I choose to stay, because, like you say, it’s what I know. It’s comfortably uncomfortable…which is ridiculous. Plus, I’m not the only one who suffers because of my choice to remain in the “Upside Down.” The dark side takes so much of my energy – and that means my loved ones miss out on it. It takes so much of my positivity. And worst of all…it takes so much of my time. I spend a lot of time reflecting on what I should be like and what I should let go of, and I have a hard time accepting myself as I am. However, that anxiety and insecurity has also pushed me to become better. So, there is a positive side to it.

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