writing

Writing: The what and the why

I have always enjoyed writing but it isn’t something felt I was good at as a young person. I wrote stories which I made into books as a child, but when my sister started the same thing, it was hers that my parents held in esteem. I suppose after a while, you sort of get to believe that it isn’t something you should be doing. I came to accept that I wasn’t creative and while my writing was technically good enough, it wasn’t something which would bring people pleasure to read. I knew that if I could choose to be anything it would be a writer, but I put that ambition into the unrealistic dream file, where others might keep the footballer or the pop star, and focussed on trying to find something I could do.

In secondary school I was part of the newspaper team and I did think about things such as journalism. Again, it was not something that was encouraged and my work seemed to mostly go unnoticed next to others. During my final year I studied English and the three hour long creative writing paper which was part of the exam solidified my thoughts. I could write, but not creatively; I just didn’t have the original ideas that seemed to come to others and while I was fine at the analytical stuff, my fiction just didn’t cut the page.  What I did discover at this time was poetry. It was no longer the doggeral of the former years and I rejected a traditional rhyme scheme for something more abstract and sophisticated.

The first poem I wrote for myself was written during the night. I woke in the morning and discovered it beside my bed, my mind emptied onto the page, a seeming cure for my insomnia. It interested me that between the words and the lines, I was able to learn about myself. Poetry became my medium and my outlet. During this time I was thinking a lot about things and became quite introspective. What I wrote was dark and it was personal. It reflected the struggles I had with myself and with my thoughts. I enjoyed playing with the images, but it was never something that was meant to be read by anyone else. It helped me, not just as a way to express my subconscious feelings, but as a way to articulate, analyse and understand them.

By the time I had qualified as a teacher of English, I was thankfully in a better place emotionally. But ironically, whilst my job meant encouraging creativity in others, my trade meant that I had to cast the most critical of eyes over even the finest of writing. For some reason I could not apply the motivation I saved for others to anything I wrote myself. I still was not a writer. I think that seeing some of the best writing I have ever come across, flow naturally from the pens of some of the young people in my classroom, cemented my ideas. I no longer thought about writing in anything other than a functional way. My need for the poetic stream of consciousness which flowed in symbolic images onto the page to be processed had passed, and there had never been any stories in my head, other than my own.

I did still write though. I wrote reports, and letters. I wrote lessons and critical accounts. I wrote study guides and instruction manuals. Words became my thing and each one I used took on an importance for me. As I taught others about how they were used, I realised that I used them well myself. As I expressed the importance in learning that words could get you what you wanted, I realised how much I had always made them work for me. I came to see that the value of writing as entertainment or escapism, was only a small part of what mattered. Being able to write stories had been presented as the true talent at the expense of many other forms. It had been emphasised and prioritised and the sort of writing I could do had not been validated in the same way.

I began to write again, mostly when inspired by events in my life that I felt passionate about. My anger, my frustration, my incredulity at things I saw and experienced spilled onto the page, often with humour and an insight that seemed to come from somewhere beyond me. It might not be valued and revered in the same way as fiction, but reflection and persuasion were forms of writing which sat comfortably with my style and my ideas. While my poetry had come from a depth of pain, my reflective writing and observational story telling was so much closer to the surface. I suppose I have always seen myself as a realist and so writing about things which were real for me seemed to be the right outlet to choose.

When I finally acquired the vocabulary to articulate the sort of relationship I wanted, I knew that I needed more than a badly written trilogy to help me on my way. There was a dearth of relevant writing on Dominant and submissive lifestyles such as the one I wanted to follow, and an even smaller number which were well written and real. I read and read anyway, both fiction and non, and devoured anything on the topic that I could find.  I learnt most about what worked for me from doing rather than from reading, and it wasn’t until a while after I had started my own blog, that I realised that blogging was where a lot of the real writing actually was and that probably the content, quality and relevance I sought had been there all along.

My purpose in starting my blog was to share my journey as a married submissive in a full-time D/s lifestyle in the hope that others might read and connect with it. Essentially, I wanted to create what I had looked for myself. I also liked writing and was excited about the idea of being able to do that on a bigger scale than I had been doing. I wanted to feel like a writer, and writing my blog allowed me to do that. What I came to realise quite quickly was that more than leaving information for others, I was writing to process and make sense of things for myself. The poetry of the past was gone, but often I would sit down and the words would seem to come from somewhere beyond myself.

In reality I don’t really write for others, although it is always nice when other people connect and comment on what I have said. I write for myself. I write because I enjoy it and it helps me. I like the structure and the routine of it. I like the creativity in playing with the words and shaping the ideas. I wouldn’t call myself a writer although a lot of my time is spent writing. I enjoy the process as well as the product and blogging has allowed me an outlet I never really thought I would have. It has allowed me to explore and experiment and it has become such a big part of me, I am not sure where I would be without it. Words are at my core and to be able to channel them into something I can publish feels good, and it has allowed me to become a little part of what I always wanted to be.

 

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Posted in Submissive Musings, Uncategorized.

20 Comments

  1. I’m so pleased you found your way back to writing missy 🙂 Like you, but maybe for different reasons, poetry was my main creative outlet for a long time. I still have a huge soft spot for it and am constantly contemplating an endeavour that would myself and others to embrace it a little more. But I’ve yet to be bold enough, or daft enough to commit to it, lol! I love all your reason for writing and I think there will be a lot of folks who relate to them. Fabulous post as always 🙂 thank you for sharing for this week’s F4TFriday x

  2. You certainly do write well. You really construct your words in a way that makes for smooth reading and flow. And the sense of your blog as being an honest expression of you and your experiences really comes across. 💖

  3. Isn’t it funny how parents can unknowingly influence their children? Your parents made a big deal over your sisters writing and by not really saying anything about yours they minimized your writing. They likely had no idea they were affecting you in this way.
    You write clearly and with passion. I believe all your followers enjoy your posts, and as for me, I hope you continue for a long time!!

    • Thank you so much Michael. And I know what you mean about parents. I hate to think what I have inadvertently done myself 😊

    • Oh wow. Thank you Marie. I think lots of things have compounded my view and perhaps it is something I need to work on 😊

  4. Fascinating journey here Missy – I would love to read some of the poetry you mention – be it dark – I think poems really are a way of expressing what is deep inside of us in a concise way. Have u ever published any on the blog? Now time has passed would you? could you? *wide smile here xx

    • I haven’t. I might write something but the ones I had disappeared. I am not sure where and it scares me a bit to think as they were so personal. I wrote from fear and anger and uncertainly and other strong emotions which are no longer so deeply rooted so I am not sure what would happen if I tried now. I do think about giving it a go again 😊

  5. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you write beautifully… you captivate us (your readers) and we read every word… you are most definitely a writer. 😊

    • I love your writing missy so I am very glad you started blogging. Real life is my preference for reading and you write yours so eloquently. Reading the first few paragraphs I could very much relate to my own experiences. Poetry for me was a huge outlet to trying to understand myself and although it was very dark I think it helped at the time.

      • How interesting that there are so many similarities. It’s not something I really think about now so it was interesting to go back over it for the prompt. Thank you for your lovely comment too 😊

  6. It’s so great seeing how many of us grew up loving poetry and writing it! Many have gone on to write about real life, fiction or both. Your writing about real life and things you experience touch me as I am sure they do many others. I am so glad you decided to be here to share. 🙂 xx

  7. You said you were writing to process your own D/s…all good art must first be art and pleasure to the artist. So I say that’s how it should be for you. I think your writing is amazing. Fiction, blog on D/s, all of it. And it’s amazing because you’re not writing for what others want. You’re expressing yourself. And that’s why it’s great. So glad you’ve chosen to write. It’s changed our lives and made D/s accessible, understandable, and exciting. Sorry for what you felt growing up but I hope you’re feeling success and purpose now!

    • Wow QH. That really gives me a boost. It is amazing to know that others get something from what I write, especially when it helps me so much too. Thank you for being such a loyal reader and commenter. I really appreciate your support ❤️

  8. You’ve definitely had a journey. I wish I had the technical skill for writing. For some reason I feel like I would be more comfortable with my writing overall if I had the technical ability, but I suppose that might stop me from writing. Can I say, that the part at the beginning broke my heart a bit? Knowing that your parents’ praise of your sister’s work stopped you from writing. That made me sad. I’m glad you’ve found your way back though. You’re excellent at it too.

    • Aww thank you Cara. I am so pleased that I found my way back too. I guess some have those good ideas though and Thayer lends itself to writing fiction. You are one of those and I also think you are highly technically skilled. 😊

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