Well cast me out and curse me right now as I am going to be honest here; things which are taboo turn me on. That doesn’t mean that I am turned on by all things wrong of course, but what it does mean is that if I see something as being wrong, or dirty, or forbidden in a sexual sense, then it makes it more appealing. I like feeling that I am doing something elicit which others wouldn’t do. I like feeling a bit deviant and exploring hidden desires. And I like the battle which goes on in my mind when I am confronted with the two sides of myself – the naughty and the nice. I find these things hot.
All of this seems a little strange really. After all, I am very conventional. I am the social norm, an upstanding pillar of the community, an example of good moral character. That is the way my life is set up and I blend very well in terms of presenting a solid picture of those ideas socially. On the surface that is. Underneath things are different. Underneath I am not that person at all. I am the person who others would be shocked at. I am the one who they would not believe enjoyed the things I do. I am kinky and enjoy many of the acts that the general public would consider taboo.
A taboo is a social or religious custom prohibiting or restricting a particular practice or forbidding association with a particular person, place, or thing. Taboos are really social constructions which are designed to control people and prevent them from doing things which might challenge order and control. Clearly some of our laws are based on taboos, but others have been created to reinforce and promote the idea of social norms. Cultural taboos shift and change with the times and will vary from culture to culture; what is taboo for one culture may be entirely fine for another.
Usually there is a function to taboos which means that the majority of people belonging to that culture will see it as something unacceptable. I think that really, at the moment, these are quite exciting times as many of the long held taboos are being challenged and, to an extent, overwritten. It is not so long since it was taboo for a woman to have a child without being married, or for them to have a job. It is not so long since homosexuality was taboo and people who were LGBT were persecuted and ostracised. Sex itself was a taboo topic in our own culture and could not have been spoken about openly as it is now.
However, many sexual acts are still considered taboo, and although things are changing, there remains a lack of acceptance of acts which the majority feel threaten the moral founding of our culture. Growing up I knew that the things that I liked were wrong. It seems hard now to remember that things have moved on, but back then, to think about anal sex, and consider doing it, certainly felt taboo. It was seen as being something that gay men did and there was a lot of negative judgement about them as people because of that.
For me, the fact that many of the things I wondered about and got aroused by were considered things which were taboo left me feeling conflicted. Part of me wondered at the freak I must be, while the other part continued to fantasise about how exciting it might be to try some of it. I mostly hid the desires I felt would disgust people and pushed them away so that they became something private. I didn’t tell people what I wanted or what I liked. I took the lead from them and worked at enjoying the things that they wanted to do to me, rather than asking to try something I had always wondered about.
I knew I was different but I didn’t have the language to articulate what that might mean. I also knew that I seemed normal enough, and so I carried on hiding my true self and just went with what happened. Looking back now, I wonder at some of the relationships that I had and some of the things that I did in my younger years. It was almost as if my needs caused me to give up all the social constraints that were set. I did what was asked of me, no more and no less. There was sexual pleasure involved, of course, and that was something that I knew I needed.
Although my life has changed and I am no longer with someone who might be disgusted at the things I want to try, I still cling on to part of how that felt. During our play, much of which involves acts which others would find taboo, I swing between the horror of my true self being exposed and the safety that I am with someone who accepts that part. I move between the excitement and the thrill of doing things which I have always seen as wrong, and the humiliation of the realisation, and theirs, that I am actually enjoying it.
I am in a relationship where I am encouraged to be dirty and to flout my kinks in the face of everything that I would normally deny. I want to be hidden but to be exposed as well. I am a riddle of contradictions which I don’t understand and which confuse my head to the point it can’t make any sense, other than to understand the ecstasy of the feelings that what is being done to me brings. And that is still the key. I have to be made to do it. I have to be made to want it. I can’t ask for something which a whole side of me knows they can’t want to have. But the having and the doing feels so good.
The way that I feel and the two lives that I lead leave such a contradiction that I no longer even know what is seen as being taboo. In one world, I am a taboo myself, and virtually every sexual act that we enjoy would be seen as being wrong. In the other, I am surrounded by people who are accepting and encouraging of many of the things which would not be seen as being the mainstream norm. My new normal has become theirs and I have felt accepted as my true self. HL and I have limits but really, they are no longer very many. Scat play is probably the only one that we would list as a hard limit.
So which are the taboos that I deny myself for wanting and yet get wet at the mere thought of? Being dominated, objectified and owned. Anal play, vaginal fisting and the thought of my body being modified in some way. Humiliation, including pee play and enema play. Age play, pet play and medical play. Needles, knife play and, although we haven’t done it yet, I do get off on the thought of cutting and blood play. Consensual non-consent, sacrilege and being sexually exposed in a public way. Spanking and impact and breath play. I could go on.
I am sure that there are things here which I have forgotten and are also taboos which turn me on, as many sexual taboos do. The fact that I see them as taboo, but do them because it arouses me, leaves me not knowing if they count as taboos for me or not. Since exploring BDSM I have come to realise that much of my kink lies in the the humiliation brought about by doing the things which I find taboo. It is not so much the act itself, but the way that the act is translated in my head. This can be added to greatly by a partner who understands exactly how I am stacked, and how to press my buttons and make me squirm. Someone who knows that taboos turn me on.