He knew that he wanted her as soon as he saw her. He couldn’t quite say why but he was kind of a serial pursuer of pleasure. He had married by mistake if the truth be known. Like a genuine case of misunderstanding, but that was another story; his story, so I will not tell it today. Anyway, deciding that he wanted her, he set about trying to persuade her. And it was not as easy as it usually was for him. She was different I suppose. He felt that she wasn’t just playing hard to get really. She really was hard to get. And somehow that just made him want her more.
So he worked at it – being there, making her laugh, taking an interest. It wasn’t all that hard as there was a gap. He found there often was a gap, although he had never been aware of it in quite this way before. She challenged him though. When he said that he wanted to kiss her she asked him why. He tried to tell her but she challenged that too. When he told her that it could be fun she did try to warn him. She told him then that it would be bigger than that. And she asked him if he was ready to give up everything for her. He said that he wasn’t and that he didn’t intend to. That wasn’t part of it for him.
And so they danced through their growing friendship for a while and things seemed ok. Never one to let things rest, he did continue his requests. And she continued to question them. He said that he had thought about it and there was no reason for anyone to lose anything, that it would all work out. She smiled then to herself and told him that it wouldn’t be just a kiss. She said it might start as just a kiss, but that it would end as much, much more. She said that she couldn’t do things in a casual way and that he would end up wanting her. He laughed it off as he thought he wanted her already.
They did it his way. Well so he thought. She gave in, finally, to his kiss. It felt inevitable. It felt exciting like the start of something new but also it felt fun and was thrilling to actually be able to kiss her after all this time. He enjoyed it. He really enjoyed it and he held her hand and he felt like she was his, and then he went home. And it worked for a little while, but he thought about her more and more. He wanted her more and more. She was in his head and under his skin. He took risks, did crazy things, and he didn’t even care. He felt like he had been waiting all this time for this, like maybe he had always been looking but not really known it.
Slowly he became less satisfied with the life that he had always looked on the bright side of. It lost the shine it had once had. He felt on the outside of it in a way that he had never been aware of before. He wondered what he actually had. He wondered what kept him functioning in that loveless and lustless situation. He wasn’t himself. He couldn’t be. He had lived without being seen for so long that he had forgotten how he felt to even be him anymore but suddenly now, it was coming back. Like the low cloud that you make your way through, things were becoming clearer.
Above and below that cloud was her. She became like air for him, like a need that he almost gasped for when they were apart. And in order to be together more, they had to all be together. It felt good at first. Like the vital oxygen you seek, but it soon turned to poison as their time came to an end. He imagined touching her, of reaching out. The way that she smelt and the way her skin felt under his fingers. And then there were her fingers, stroking like the tendrils of a plant that has him in its grasp. He thought about fucking her and about how good that felt.
He thought about his cock in her mouth and his fingers inside her, and the mess that they made of each other and of their lack of care of anything except their own need for more of each other. About the fire that burned when they were together and of the way that he wanted her so badly he could almost hurt her, and of the fact that she needed that and would let him do it. His thoughts twisted on themselves as their evening of company drew to a close and he watched her slip away from him. He could smell her on his fingers but she was leaving, and his desire stabbed at him, pricking his mind.
He thought about her with him then. He imagined them together and the way she would feel under his hands. How dare he? He could she. It felt so wrong, so unfair. They would talk about it after but it never eased things. He tried to push it away but his jealousy raged and burned deep within him, fuelled by his desire and want and need for her. He tormented himself with the things they would do when alone. He beat himself with the shared moments he saw pass between them which somehow took from his own. He had never felt this before and he was out of his depth. She had been right. It was so much more.
Coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head
But she’s touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go
And I just can’t look, it’s killing me
And taking controlJealousy, turning saints into the seaSwimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr. Brightside
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