Obviously I set the topic for TMA and so want to take part. But I am also aware that I have written a lot about erotic humiliation here already and that is because it is one, if not the biggest one, of my kinks. I suppose the way I experience things is more cerebral than physical and perhaps that is why humiliation works so well for me. Tapping into these sexual triggers is what makes all the rest of it work so well, so it is an area that we have really been exploring. I have learnt a lot so far about the relationship between my mind and my body and about why humiliation is key to me really letting go of control, becoming the ultimate trigger for my submissive headspace.
I don’t want to repeat what I have said before, so if you are interested then the following posts may be worth checking out:
- Humiliation is where I started trying to explain erotic humiliation and it covers the basics for me really.
- The Thrill of Shame goes into my style of humiliation and Emotional Masochism and Do you really want to hurt me? explore a bit more about the way that cognitive dissonance works for me.
- Telling Tails and Welcome to my workshop, little doll are posts which give examples of how it works during play.
- I have also explored humiliation play in short fiction posts such as Big City, All we need is a star on top, Boudoir Beauty and On Display.
Humiliation is a tricky thing to explain as no one likes to be humiliated in real life. Why would they? Then again, most people don’t like to be hurt either and yet within a BDSM relationship they may enjoy to be caned, paddled or spanked. The same is true of humiliation. Used in the right way, in the right context and by the right person it can be a powerful tool. It taps into our deepest insecurities in a way which makes us uncomfortable but also feels safe. It can peel us back and make us vulnerable while at the same time letting us know that we are loved and accepted for what we are, weaknesses and all. For me it is the ultimate paradox, and therefore hard to explain, but it seems to work none-the-less.
The things that HL does to humiliate me are always carefully considered by him. They aren’t cruel as he would not want to hurt me. Rather, he gently teases me, using the things which he knows that I like to keep hidden. There is always a sexual charge to this so he would not say things which were more general, but rather things which are linked to our play. For example, he knows that I am embarrassed by the way that my body seems to betray me, by those tell tale signs that I am enjoying what he is doing and that I am slowly losing control of my own responses. He knows that there are things we do which I feel embarrassed about enjoying, things which I find dirty or which make me feel uncomfortable.
Using humiliation is the ultimate in power play as far as I am concerned. Done correctly, it demonstrates not just the control he has of my body, but the control he has over my mind too. It is a conscious tipping of the balance of power as he removes the control slowly from me piece by piece, reducing me to the essence of what I am: his. The impact of this is huge, as is the connection that becomes its by-product. Although I have chosen to give up many elements of control to him, my self-control is linked to my conscious mind and to relinquish that feels like the absolute in surrender, for both of us. He is at his most Dominant when I am at my most needy and to lose myself to him, is when that need is at its pinnacle for both of us.
Humiliation is such a huge area to explore and it is experienced so differently for everyone. I think there are large elements of erotic humiliation in many aspects of D/s because it is built around a power exchange, and that lends itself to using language, actions and behaviour which reinforces a person’s position. This doesn’t have to be experienced as humiliation but often it establishes something which wouldn’t be desirable within a different context, so it does play upon those emotions. For me, the fact that he can pinpoint those often unspoken things which will make me twist and turn, making me feel that my weaknesses have been exposed, and then accept and love me for them, allows the slow unravelling of myself to be something which provides a deep attachment and connection to him.
Erotic humiliation is a difficult topic to write about and a difficult topic to explain. If it were something which could be learned then I think that would make it easier, but as it is, it comes from knowing someone and understanding the things that they keep hidden. It is a skill which is innate to the person and can appear so subtle that it is hardly discernible. It is born of the moment so to experience it often leaves you with a feeling of what just happened, followed by OMG that feels hot, to please do it again. I am always left caught in confusion and feeling conflicted, whilst at the same time being highly aroused and desperate for more. Erotic humiliation really is my thing.