lost mojo

Missy’s missing mojo

This is not the first time I have lost my mojo but it is annoying the hell out of me. I don’t know if I have ever been properly depressed, if so then not for a long time, but I sort of feel like this may be pre-depressed state. Like the stage before. Like if I don’t actually do something about this, then I may slip into somewhere that will be really hard to get back from. And it’s not as if I don’t want to get back. The desire for life is still there. And that is what frustrates me. I frustrate me. I am really, really, fucking annoying.

I am at the point where I can see all of the good stuff right at my fingertips. I can still see all the shit too and it is holding me back. It’s like the crap is pushing the good stuff out of reach. It’s not like I am unable to see things or do things. It’s like I am letting myself be like this. Allowing myself to remain in this numbness and irritation. It is as if I have a pain but don’t take painkillers and let myself suffer like some sort of mistaken martyr. And it feels self-indulgent to wallow like this, but also it feels like it is all that I have the energy to do.

The energy comes and goes. Mostly it is gone but then something happens and it sort of peaks. It’s there like a mania that has taken hold and I say rash things and make rash promises and actually feel good for a bit until I fall back into my inertia. And I think perhaps that is what it is, if you can have inertia while still going through the motions of a very busy life. I tick all of my boxes you see, but they don’t seem to matter. I am not the sort just not to do stuff, and it has not taken hold of me to an extent where I have been prevented from completing the things that I need to complete.

Its not that sort of thing I suppose.  It’s an I’m all right on the surface sort of a thing. I probably look the same, and act the same, but I really don’t feel the same. I feel frumpy, and not sexy. I feel tired, and not energetic. I feel like I don’t want the hassle, rather than embracing the challenge. None of it makes sense. I am sort of drifting. I am out of control at the same time as being so completely in control that no one can help me. I am holding all the cards but not playing the game. I am the mess underneath which is perfectly presented on top.

More alarmingly, my need to be used and abused in the darkest of ways has been replaced by the desire to be left alone to quietly fall asleep. I used to feel like this and ask to be taken apart. Some rough anal or a fisting might have done it but now I am angling for a cup of herbal tea and maybe a Netflix series instead. I have lost my desire and my lust and my enthusiasm, and it stinks. I stink. I am so fucking irritated with myself that writing it all down was the only thing I could think of to do.

So if you happen to see my mojo floating around in the ether of the internet, kindly please send it my way. She has been missed: not just by me but by HL, and some other people too. Somewhere out there I am sure that she is happily twirling, with hands above her head, in time to the music, while she gyrates and moves as if she is the sexiest thing on the planet and has no care in the world. She is lost in her love of the things that make her move and dance. And I want her back!

 

I pledge my commitment to blog for my mental health. I will write about mental health topics not only for myself but for others. I do this to destigmatize mental illness and to promote mental health awareness & education. I am a sex blogger for mental health. #sb4mh #bfmh #notalone #SexNotStigma

 

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24 Comments

  1. > The energy comes and goes. Mostly it is gone but then something happens and it sort of peaks. It’s there like a mania that has taken hold and I say rash things and make rash promises and actually feel good for a bit until I fall back into my inertia.

    Seems like your mojo has some waviness to it, and right now it may have hit a bit of a trough. It sucks being there, at a lot point, not knowing if and when you can bounce back (or lift slowly) from this numbness and irritation and be your mojoful (hey, it ought to be a word!) self again.

    If this goes in waves, wonder if you remember when you had felt bereft like that, and how long it lasted and what helped you get through it, and maybe even hasten the recovery. Until then… *rounds up some free-floating mojo and sends to submissy*.

  2. Oh Missy, I wish I could tell you where it went but I’ve seemed to have misplaced mine as well. The bugger wondered off a couple weeks ago and I’m wallowing in self misery. This right here… “I am holding all the cards but not playing the game. I am the mess underneath which is perfectly presented on top.” says it all!

    If I find yours I shall definitely toss her back to you!
    In the meantime, I wish you well.

  3. Oh I sympathize with this so much. I’ve skipped the pre and have been struggling with full on depression of late. It’s made blogging and sex and everything impossible to want to deal with. I hope you bounce back faster than I’ve been able to.

    • Oh Cara I am sorry to hear that. I think mine is just a slump based on circumstances I am hoping that the holidays help. I hope you feel better soon and am always here if you fancy a chat ❤️

      • That is indeed a disconcerting feeling. It’s difficult when you feel that slide happening but you’re kind of too immersed in it to have the energy to lift yourself back out. As you so rightly put it, the inertia keeps you in there.
        The fact that you can identify it and articulate it is a plus. You clearly have the self-awareness to see where you are at the moment, and that’s important. And if your mind and body are asking for less sex and more tea and telly, well maybe that’s the first step in your self-care right now.
        I’m sure your mojo will find its way back, and I have my fingers crossed for you that it won’t be too long about it xx

        • Thank you. You are right about recognizing it and I am lucky that it works like that. The submission sort of puts things under a spotlight so it’s quite helpful really as issues always discussed. 😊

  4. Awww Missy … so sorry you’re in a funk … I’m thinking your mojo (and your libido) decided to take the route my libido often takes … they headed south … without you … I am sure you’ll catch up to them once term ends and you’re on vacation as well … nj … xx

    • Funnily enough I am heading south on holiday so that could work out rather nicely. Thank you 😊

  5. Sending hugs …. be kind to yourself and don’t beat yourself up… perhaps your mojo is just hiding in the cardboard fort waiting for you to slow down and stop putting so much pressure on yourself?

  6. Ah huhs Missy – but I have to tell you this post did make me smile – the juxtaposition of anal/fisting and sleep/herbal tea. I think sometimes we just have to roll with how we feel. Get lots of rest and be good to yourself for a bit x

    • Thanks May. I am glad it made you smile. I don’t feel sad really so that is fitting. That is fitting and not fisting lol

  7. I can empathize. I think I have come to the conclusion that with me it is perimenopause that drops in and takes hold of who I am. Often desire is replaced with indifference which becomes frustration. Maybe look into a few things that others do for their symptoms. At the very least it might help to feel like you are contributing to change?

    willie

  8. Usually when I feel this way I get on depression medication for a bit to raise my serotonin levels up.
    In intense periods of pouring into others, my serotonin levels drop doe to being emotionally drained. I don’t really feel depressed, I just loose my zest for life, and when that happens, I know I am depressed. The depression meds have sexual side affects however I found that bupropion works and no sexual side affects. I hope that helps. Hugs..

    • Thank you HQ. I haven’t ever tried meds as I don’t think things have ever got to that point but what you say makes a lot of sense. I think a lot of this is tiredness. The usual end of year crash has manifested in a different way. One more day til the holidays 😎

  9. So sorry to hear Missy. As you said to Cara, there are circumstances contributing. My hope is that you get a really good break from those circumstances! Maybe a Caribbean vacation? 😂😂😂 Well, it’s worth trying, right?

    Anyway, in all seriousness, I know how you feel. Sometimes too many circumstances pile up, especially ones we don’t like, and there’s just no room for our mojo. I do hope you get rest and space during your holiday. I bet you’ll find your mojo soon. 😉

    • You sold me on the Caribbean vacation a long time ago and if funds sufficed I would be on that plane. I am sure I’d find my mojo there! 😊

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