In real life I feel that I often get overlooked. I am not sure what people see when they look at me, but they certainly don’t see what is really there. It can be frustrating but I also think maybe it allows me to go undetected for things too. It can lead to that feeling of people being surprised by what you have done and by what you have achieved, which is really quite nice at the time. However, once things settle down, I feel like it is quickly forgotten again. Gone from their minds.
I suppose it is to do with making an impression. Some people are really good at that. They are vivacious and have presence where others do not. Those are the ones I think – we are the ones who can be overlooked. We fade into the background all too easily. We don’t shout about what we do but are quietly confident, understated, going about things in a subtle and non-threatening way. I am drawn to those people too; I am comfortable with them and feel I can be myself.
It has been odd, in a sense, having an online presence. Here you are what you write. You have your persona and you have your words and that is more or less it. What you write becomes what you are. It somehow seems to drill things down until we become the essence of ourselves. There are no distractions, no impressions to create. Just raw feelings on the page which are there for others to read and to understand. We have no body here, we make no sound. We are the trail of ink that we produce, telling our story.
And our words have to make themselves visible. They have to be enough on their own, as there is nothing more. My image and my voice is born from the words on the page and if they are memorable, I am memorable too. I have done better in this world. What I have to offer and contribute seems to be more easily seen on here than it is in other worlds, be that as personal skills and qualities, or successes and achievements. Perhaps people are looking more carefully, but it has been nice to have that place somewhere.
It has made me feel that I am not taken for granted. That I am seen and recognised for what I know and for what I do. It has allowed me to build on what I have started and for that to be a gradual thing. I feel that I have a place and that I belong in that place. That the space is recognised as mine and that I have ownership and control. As if what I do has a direct bearing on what I become, the more the more, and the less the less.
This stands in contrast to other parts of my life. I am not seen there. I become wallpaper while the other louder, brighter pieces of furniture stand out. I become invisible and blend. I don’t build upon what is there in the same way. I do things which are noticed but forgotten so I am forever starting over. Overlooked. Not really understood. Like a constant starting again, and again. Not a reinventing but a restating, a reminding of what and who I am.
And yet it allows me to exist more safely. I move in the shadows, unlikely to be exposed. I worry about being discovered, uncovered, when really nobody is looking at me. Would they ever join the dots when I am not what I seem? Who would attribute those things to me? Those talents and skills and qualities? I would not be recognisable to them, invisible as I am. So perhaps there is a positive in being overlooked. Perhaps it allows my two worlds to co-exist. The deep, dark secret that someone like me would never have. The colour and the brightness and would belong to someone else.
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