B is for Body
Today I learnt a lot about my body. Well really it is no longer my body and I learnt that. That is how we have to see it. It is almost like I am the custodian of it, but it belongs to someone else. I have the responsibility to make sure it is treated properly and to communicate any issues regarding well-being, but it is no longer mine to do with as I choose. I am not free to hide it away. It is not mine to dislike or be critical of. It is a body in which I live, but it will be owned by another. Currently it is owned by the staff here at the training school, but I hope that one day, it will belong to someone who wants to keep it longer term than this.
What I learnt is that I have to become comfortable with my body being on display, particularly the parts which are not usually shown: nipples, bottom, vulva, the things which usually we would make sure were covered up. Usually there will be no clothes worn here. If there are, they will be made from sheer material, or will form only partial cover so that all of these areas are continually exposed to view. The items they choose for us meet these criteria, so we have no need for the things we have brought with us. They have been packed away, although I was allowed to keep two pairs of shoes. I chose heels of course, one pair black and the other pair red.
When we arrived at class today we were to come wearing only shoes. We were then instructed to choose two items from the accessories table. I chose a silver body chain and some nipple jewellery. Initially I struggled with wearing so little, but after a time I felt more comfortable. We also had a class where we learnt about a sort of mindfulness which will help us to experience the feelings that are intended for us, rather than the ones we would naturally direct. This was amazing. I am always so caught up in my own thoughts that to be able to focus on the here and now, and the sensations I am experiencing through my body, was brilliant.
We paired up for this task which was interesting. I was with August, a male submissive. The idea was to learn about how to allow someone to channel the feelings they want you to experience, using your body as the medium. So it works for pleasure, but it also works for pain. The sensation arrives from the part of the body they touch but it comes to you directly from them. The feeling becomes about them and not about you. In that way, something which may not usually be tolerable, can become something that you desire immensely. I now understand that submitting your body means giving up control of what it experiences, and the way it experiences it.
It still feels strange that my body can be seen and touched by so many, but it also feels exciting and thrilling that I am no longer held back by the inhibitions I had. I am enjoying the freedom I have found. I am enjoying the release and I am enjoying each time that I am touched. It is creating a desire within me that I am used sexually. I feel so aware of the parts that I would usually hide. The fact that they are on show, makes me want to have them played with and aroused. And my arousal is higher than it has ever been. I feel needy, and lusty, and as if there will be no end to the things I want to have done to me.
* * * * * * *
To catch up on other posts in this series please see April’s Submissive Training Journal
Or read last year’s letter B post for the A to Z blogging challenge: Body Image, Beauty and Balance