Watch sinking in the sand. Time is running out

It’s that time

It’s that time. What I mean is, it is time for a change. Time for me to change or rather, time for me to be changed. And so, after a long discussion at the weekend, some changes have been put in place. I am ashamed to say that I think I have slipped into bad ways. Perhaps I have always had these ways but they have become more obvious to me, and when that happens, it usually means that a change is required. I want to be submissive, believe me I do, but sometimes when I look at my behaviour, I don’t think that I am doing a good job.

This can be hard to admit. I look around me and can’t say that I feel I am a bad submissive. I am respectful and I stick to my rules. I complete the rituals we have set up and I try to put HL’s needs before my own. I think about submission, I write about submission and I talk about submission. But sometimes I feel that what I am doing is a picture of submission rather than the real deal. Sometimes I look at myself and I wonder if I am really giving anything up that I am not glad to give?

Now this could be based in the fact that I have found my perfect Dominant and we complement each other in a way which makes it effortless, but I know enough to know that life is not like that. Although it would be a lovely thought, it doesn’t excite me for things to feel effortless. I like a challenge, I like to be pushed, I like to be moving forward in a way which feels a little unknown. Not all the time of course. Sometimes it is nice to be able to kick back and relax a little, but others it feels like I want growth.

I have been saying for a while that I don’t have enough time. I am a pretty busy person with a lot of commitments and a lot of balls in the air so this is not news to anyone who is close to me. Obviously because I have two lives in a sense – one the working professional, mum part and the other blogging and running the chat site, not everyone is aware of just why time is such an issue, but I think they all see from the parts they know that I am strapped.

What I have become aware of, is that I am not always in a submissive mindset. When we spoke about it at the weekend, I realised that this was to do with time, or at least to do with my perception that I didn’t have enough of it. I have always managed my own decisions with regards to work. I have a time to be home and various rules around bringing work back. There are things that I have to do during the day while I am there, but these are more about being respectful and acknowledging HL as my Dominant. During the working day, I am not thinking submissively for the most part.

When I come home, there are rituals in place to help us both transition, but recently this has become an easy part of what we do. I have perfected the art of compartmentalising work from home and slip quickly into the routines of the house. I have realised that because I feel I am short of time, I have taken control of the time I have at home. I have been allowed to manage it to do the things that I want to do and I have become somewhat protective of it. I have felt myself becoming irritated when something unpredictable happens, and I don’t always want to stop what I have planned to bend to HL’s will.

This is not submission of course. Yes I still look as if I am submitting because I do what he has asked, but really I am only giving what it suits me to give on my own terms. So we spoke a bit more and I thought a bit harder. Giving my time willingly to HL is an important part of what we do. I have agreed to be his, as and when he wants me, so to be unavailable on the deepest level is not really an option. Apart from anything, I want to enjoy the things that he suggests; I don’t want to feel that there isn’t enough time for them and worry about how I am going to catch up.

Clearly we can’t make more time for me but I realised that what I really need is to submit my time. If he controls all time then there will be nothing for me to protect for myself. I trust, of course, that he will give me time to do the things I need to do, so that is not an issue. What it will mean is that subconsciously I am in a state where I am on receive rather than being absorbed in my own little world. I hope that this will mean that I am more receptive to submitting fully and quickly, even when it is not expected. I used to be in that place, but somehow have slipped from it.

I am not resistant and do follow instructions and commands, but inside not all of my thoughts are in line with the way I am responding. I would like to be more attuned and to be able to find the right sort of response, even if only in my head. I want to get back to feeling the freedom that submission can give me. True when I do something with him I always enjoy it, but in that split second there is something that holds me back, so I hope that submitting my time will help me past that.

I have known for a long time that when I feel under pressure, I plan and organise and control the things I can. What I had not seen was that the feeling of not having enough time had led me to feel this about the time I have at home. What has happened now is that the time at home has been marked off into blocks. The regular things are written in to the plan, and there are other times when I will be given a slot for certain things, or a free space to do something that I choose.

We will talk on a Sunday about the plans in place for the week ahead, and also for the things that we would each like to achieve. HL will then put something together and will let me know how things are going to look. So far it has worked really well, although we are only a few days in. I have come home feeling more relaxed and more attentive, more submissive if you will. It helps me not to have control of things; control is my default response to stress but it does not actually appease it. To surrender the most basic of things actually frees me from the hold they have over me.

Posted in Building a D/s Dynamic.

19 Comments

  1. I so feel this!! For me, it’s not the issue of time, but it’s just feeling like I’m not really submitting because it’s too easy.

    “Sometimes I look at myself and I wonder if I am really giving anything up that I am not glad to give?

    Now this could be based in the fact that I have found my perfect Dominant and we complement each other in a way which makes it effortless, but I know enough to know that life is not like that. Although it would be a lovely thought, it doesn’t excite me for things to feel effortless. I like a challenge, I like to be pushed, I like to be moving forward in a way which feels a little unknown.”

    It’s made me begin to wonder if I’m just weird…that enough is never enough. And to be honest, my Queen is kind and gracious and still trying to find boundaries. Do you think a submissive will ever reach the point where we say… “ok, that’s enough”?

    As you said, “I just want to be pushed”.

    • I do think that I get to that point. I feel that I grow a lot and that boundaries are pushed. It seems to plateau at times and we just enjoy where we are. Then I am back at the point where I feel I need a bit more again. To be honest I think it changes with life’s ups and downs too. Sometimes I feel I am only just managing to keep my head above water so there isn’t always the space to give more in those terms. It will also vary depending on where HL is with things. It is the knack of being able grow in my submission and him in his Dominance when that is needed, as well as growing together. There is no point in me wanting or needing something more which he is not in a place to give as that doesn’t work, but I have found that the talking usually leads us to find something which can allow me to focus on giving more without him having to give a lot more focus to managing me if that makes sense. ?

      • Yes, talking does help us stay on the same page. This is just more the state of my soul. I’m always wanting to be controlled at a greater level. So far there hasn’t been much where she just makes a decision I have to submit to like HL does in this case. I think we’re still so new to it.

        • I think that confidence takes time but I am sure you being actively submissive will help to encourage that along. It took us a while and we are still working at it. ?

  2. Growth and challenge are important to me too. And I can totally relate to the bit about controlling time at home and kind of getting in to the habit of not having my head in the game. I can easily do what I am told without my brain following what my body does.

    • Yes that is true for me about the brain and the body. There is also resistance, or at least reluctance, from me around some of it. Some of that is down to anxiety and some is about the type of person, and therefore submissive, I am. I have realised that some is about the mindset I am in though and that is the part that I think I need to work on ?

  3. I always find reading your thoughts to be so interesting. You clearly are very thoughtful and careful in figuring out your life and relationships and that is so great! I really felt this sentence:

    To surrender the most basic of things actually frees me from the hold they have over me.

    • Thank you so much. It helps me so much to be here as I use this space to think and figure things out as I am writing. ?

  4. I can relate to pretty much everything you have written missy. The instant feeling of ‘but’ when something is requested of me when all I can think of is the list’s of things I need to do in my head. Although it’s fleeting, it’s still there. I’m glad you have released and found a solution that may help you. I think it is just one of those things that will always need reviewing over time, to keep things fresh and shaken up.

    • Yes I so agree about the reflection and review. It is necessary for us to keep things moving and I know that different things work for everyone ?

  5. Interesting – i look forward to finding out how this works for you – as you know I am not submissive day to day but we recently started talking about our schedules for the coming week, to make sure there is a place in there for some “us” time x

    • Us time is so important and we always find things hard when if we don’t prioritize that. I think so far this is working well but I am about to go into the holidays so it will be all change again ?

  6. Hi Missy … as someone who is relatively new to a 7×24 relationship, I have hit disconnect mode a few times in the past year. It seems to hit hardest at busy times when the rest of life creeps into our dynamic and I feel a need to go to my fallback position of managing it all … and I no longer have a full time career and a family living at home. All of which is me saying … this “/s” is hard work at even when you the time to work at it. For someone like yourself with a full, busy life, don’t be too hard on yourself when you find there are times you can’t get there. You will get your submissive heart back because it is what you want … what you both want. It is good you have a plan and a promise to work on it some more … nj … xx

    • Thank nj. I know what you mean as it does go in cycles. I think I sort of adapt and then don’t feel it as much so we have to do something to make a change so that it’s nearer the front of my mind again. It has worked well so far. When I am home now I will think about doing something and then remember it’s not my time so I have to wait. That helps to keep my on receive in a way. ?

  7. Like others, I can relate a lot, we’ve very recently started revisiting fundamental things again and re-working our D/s, and time and how it’s used (or not) is part of that. Thanks for sharing as always x

  8. Thank you for sharing this. I get exactly what you mean. I’ll be waiting to see how this progresses as it’s something I’ve thought of discussing with MrH.

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