Do you really want to hurt me?

I have been hurt sexually before. It wasn’t pleasant. It has happened in a few different ways but I think the thing that hurt me most was rejection. Not an outright knock back, but that night after night realisation that, despite offering everything up, it was not going to happen. It ate away at me really. I suppose that I felt worthless. I felt undesirable and unattractive. I hardened my heart to him and then sort of packed my sexual side safely away from him. I have written about this in more detail here but those old hurts are not where I want to focus this post.

Being hurt is not something that I like, of course. Well not usually. When it happened in the past I didn’t want it. Now, however, it is something that sometimes I crave. I enjoy a bit of physical pain, and as long as the balance between that and the pleasure is carefully managed, I can be held on the edge of ecstatic for as long as HL chooses to hold me there. Prior to D/s I would have said I was a masochist and in the past have used physical pain to punish myself and manage my emotions. Somehow that has left me wired in a way which means that pain on its own, or where it overpowers the pleasure, will push me away from him and so it becomes counterproductive: I tolerate it for me and not for him and that seems to give me the power.

What has become clear to us both, however, is that emotional pain, within the context of BDSM, is something that does work. I can’t say that I enjoy it as such: it hurts me of course, but it really bloody turns me on. It also pushes me into my submissive space. This is a space were we do exist together. It is all about him. I am overwhelmed by my need and my dependency on him. It is almost the polar opposite to what happens when the physical is taken too far. In this space I have no power and not would I want any. I would not deserve that as I exist only for him.

This emotional masochism sits closely with humiliation but it is not quite the same thing. The humiliation is part, but only because it enables me to feel the shame that I need to feel. It sounds strange to others I think, and for some reason the need for physical pain is far more understood and accepted, within the boundaries of kink, than to enjoy being hurt emotionally. Or for that matter, to understand the one who is doing the inflicting. That being said, I am an emotional masochist and I do enjoy this sort of pain, within the safety and love of the relationship I have with HL. Outwith that, of course, I would not be happy to endure the torment.

I suppose deep down, I must be ashamed of the things that I like, and to be made to face that somehow releases me from myself. It is hard to explain and even harder to ask for. I have needed HL to watch carefully and to learn what my buttons and triggers are. I cannot be specific in my requests, because to articulate them would put me in control of them and I that would remove much of the impact. I need to be where he is pulling my strings and like a puppet I jump and dance for him within my own sense of mortification. He will control me, my mind in his hands, as he manipulates my thoughts and feelings.

At the end will always come acceptance. He has seen what is there and wants me anyway, and this will be my safety. This is why I can be as I am with him. He can reveal what is there, display it all for ridicule and then love me anyway. This pushes me closer to him in a way that the physical enduring of pain does not. This leaves me raw and vulnerable, and having exposed me, he is the only one who can heal me. Another trigger for me will be the shame of failure. This is something we have not experimented with as much, but I know that it is another key to unlocking things which will make me crack.

No one likes failing. I set myself high standards and will do anything within my power to meet them. And yet I feel like I fail all the time. My recurring nightmare as a child was also of this theme. I think that I do this and make myself feel these things in order to try to manage the fear that I have about it. To use this in a sexual way will leave me very conflicted, again pushing me deep into my submissive space. Failing something which was achievable, and his disappointment yet gentle understanding of my failure, is another thing that will drive me to him.

Humiliation and degradation, used in an erotic way, form a key part of emotional masochism for me. That is not to say that the things which make it work are not specific, because they are. They come from knowing the person so well, you can be inside their mind, seeing what others don’t. You know what makes them tick, and you know what makes them cringe. You know which buttons to press, and just the right moment to press them. It is about knowing the when and where and how of the mind, in the same way that a physical sadist will be able to read the body. It is about using words to break me in the same way that someone else might use a crop or a cane.

Whether past hurt has influenced what I now gravitate towards or not, I do not know. What I do know is that I feel what has happened in my life so far has been steering me towards this point and, although I feel scared in a sense to acknowledge and embrace it, I also feel excited about where it might go. I trust HL and that allows me to contemplate giving myself to him in a way that I never thought I would do. It was something that I tried hard to conceal, a dark part of me to keep hidden, and not something I thought could be brought into the light. And I suppose that goes back to my fear of rejection, and the fact that now it sits upon unconditional acceptance.

Related posts:
Pleasure from Pain
The Painful Truth
Emotional Masochism

I have linked this post to Brigit Delaney’s Erotic Journal Challenge. The prompt this week was HURT: Have you ever been hurt sexually (physically, emotionally, mentally)? How do you think this impacts your sexual likes/dislikes, what you gravitate toward or what you shy away from, when it comes to sex?

 

Posted in Play, Scenes and Kink.

24 Comments

  1. This is a great insight into how emotional pain and suffering works for you. It is harder to get your head around and I think much more of a mine field as emotional triggers can be sudden and unexpected. I fear this type of play as I think it would have a negative impact on me in general, I don’t know that the acceptance would win through rather the fear would push me away from MrH, much as pain in the wrong circumstance does for you. It’s so interesting to read how we all experience different things. Thank you for sharing 😊

    • That makes a lot of sense sweet. I have tried to work differently with my pain response but it’s so deep rooted. I have used to control things for so long that the way I respond just sets me down the wrong path. I can get to a sort of zen point with it but it’s not the same sort of high and doesn’t give me the overwhelming connection that I would want from play. I think less people want the emotional pain 😊

    • It has taken me a lot of thinking to get to where I am with this believe me. And I feel I am only just at the beginning. Thank you 😊

  2. Such an introspective post! This sums up just how deep and complex a D/s relationship can be and how important it is to understand that before judging. There are as many D/s relationships as there are people who have them, because we all have different needs. You are lucky to have a man who gets that and fulfills your needs in a way that both helps you and forces you to face your strengths and weaknesses…even if you are somehow ashamed of your desires. I think conventional relationship norms put that shame on us.

    • Thank you Brigit. Yes I do think conventional norms puts the shame upon us. I wonder if that will change as things become more open and girls sexuality is seen differently. It is taking us a while to work through it and it is difficult as it is really quite personal but it feels good that we are growing in our understanding of each other. 😊

  3. I can’t wait to read this to Mr. HH. You know I’m a pain slut, but I also really have found myself incredibly turned on by erotic humiliation in the last year. Specifically, I am gushing wet and submissive as hell when he is sexual with other women by word or deed. It is humiliating and yet erotic to see or read or hear him engage with them. The key to finding it hot and not leading to total insecurity is his complete devotion to me. Communication about it regularly also helps me leave the fear behind and allow myself to feel slightly degraded in the moment, but cherished when it’s over and back in his arms. Does that make any sense at all?

    • Yes it does. Being sexual with other women is not something we have tried but I can see the parallels in how it makes you feel. I wonder how that would work for me but not sure if I will find out. It does sound really powerful 😊

  4. I too have wondered if my past experiences, hurts, betrayals, have shaped why I like physical pain now – thanks for being so honest here Missy – I am not so OK with the emotional pain, but a little bit of humiliation or dirty talk is fine with me – after all I am a dirty bitch who needs to be fucked in all holes – so why not tell me? 😉 x

  5. Early on in your blog you wrote a post on humiliation. Now that you’re talking more about emotional masochism and degradation, I’m curious if you’re likes and tolerance of humiliation have evolved since then? (As someone who also enjoys humiliation as part of the sub experience…)
    Maybe a new post topic? 😉

    • I think it has definitely evolved for me. I knew that it was something we liked but I found it so hard to work out. I didn’t understand my positive triggers and found it hard to explain them to HL so it was a bit hit or miss. As I explore my own submission and as we explore outlet kinks together I am understanding more. 😊

      • Yes an update on what humiliation means at this point in the journey maybe? (But only if it’s on your radar to talk about!) It just seems that what you wrote on humiliation originally has evolved, and this is something we’re trying to understand as I am triggered by humiliation to a degree and Queen has a hard time understanding. It would be such a deal breaker if someone did that to her, so it’s hard for her to do to me. So we’re just always curious what it looks like to others and how she can understand why I would want that. We just always appreciate your writing and perspective as it helps open our dialogue.

        • I will have a think. HL has also been read for a nook about it which he has found helpful. I think he will write about it when he is finished but your Queen might like to try it. 😊

  6. My needs tend to run more toward being physically hurt in order to get a better grip on my emotions, but I understand this to a degree. Managing our emotional needs takes many forms and having a Dom steady enough to help with that is the best part in my opinion.

    • Yes it really is. I think when they are able to pick up on where we are emotionally and support that it makes all the difference. Especially when they realise before we have ourselves 😉

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