I have written a lot on this blog about submission. That is not surprising as my blog is essentially an account of my life as a submissive wife. It is about the love, the kink and the connection and that is what submission gives me. I could have the love without it, I could have the kink without it, but I know that I would never get the connection without it and that without that, the other two would not run as deeply within me as they do. That being said, I have made no secret of the fact that submission does not always come easily to me. That something you want so much should be so hard to give seems ironic in a sense, but my postulation has led me to see that it is not only the way with submission, but also with the giving of control.
And I mention control because it is the key, not just to submission but to Dominance too as the giving and taking of control lies firmly at the heart of a power exchange relationship. While submission is about many things, for me control, is at the core. The are other key elements such as trust, openness and respect and these are crucial to build the foundations upon which I am able to relinquish that control. There are other factors, such as service, which help me to be in a place where want to give up control but at the end of the day, for me to be able to do it on terms other than my own, I must release every last shred of myself.
I have felt before that at many points what we wear is the face of submission. We have set the limits and operate well within those, so what I am talking about seeking here is a deeper level, a level where you are no longer on course, where you are no longer able to see your destination. And I know that in order to be there I must pass through the state of being which scares me most, and that is to be out of control. It is not about allowing someone to do things to you that you want them to do, it is about allowing them to do what they want to do, trusting them that it will be right for you and getting to the point where you lose the desire or the need to have any say over it.
For me, that level of submission can not be given. Try as I might, I cannot give what really frightens me, and to be in that state where I am out of control does really scare me. I can tolerate the thought before it, I can enjoy the freedom when I have passed through it but at that moment, I will fight it. I cannot peel back those layers I have built as protection over so many years any further than I have already. I can tell him about them, I can show him how he could remove them, but when it comes to the crunch, I will hold on to what has kept me safe despite wanting to let that go. The letting go is key to really growing in submission and although I firmly believe that you can reach an equilibrium where it works in a delightful way, I don’t think this is what true submission is about.
Giving what you are able to give is something, but it will not be everything. The sort of submission I want pushes past what I want or what I can put into words. Past even what I can imagine, to a place where I move towards giving everything and giving what is yet unknown. This is not an easy thing to explain and I know that not everyone views it this way, but for me complete submission is not about obeying rules without question or about providing a service or about having someone support me to push at boundaries I have identified as being moveable. It is about going beyond that to a place where none of that matters anymore. Going past myself in a conscious sense.
I suppose we all do this in different ways but for me it would take letting go of the controls and restraints I place upon myself which make me safe. Caring only about him in its completest form rather than caring about him through being me. That is what I now see as complete submission for me and while I am his submissive now and I do submit to him and live a submissive lifestyle, I see this complete submission as moving to a deeper level. I want to give everything but I need that to be taken from me. I fight to cling on to what I know is part of that and without Dominance I will not be able to push past it. So while submission comes easily to me on some levels, to be able to grow rather than just continue to practice what I am doing now, will take Dominance.
I had not realised at the beginning that this was the case and had seen myself becoming a ‘better’ submissive as time went on. I had imagined I could become more obedient, less challenging and that ultimately my thinking would become submissive. That was how I saw the growth working rather than the way I see it working for me now. And I suppose that is because there are many different forms of submission and it works differently for everyone. The traditional picture that I aspired to become is not the one that is right for me. If I could, perhaps I would, but I don’t think it would really make me, or HL happy.
I can see myself getting clearer about my submission through the writing I have done and I feel that I am getting closer to there being another shift. This feels exciting as well as frightening as it will mean me giving up more of the control that has become such an integral part of who I have become and how I manage my world. I am happy for this as I trust HisLordship and I want to experience what will come from this shift. I also know that it’s not enough wanting to experience it and that I will need a huge push to really let go. I think when the time is right we will know and it will happen as naturally as the other shifts have happened to date. So in writing about submission I have to acknowledge that it is not one static thing but is something that will change and grow as you change and grow along with it.
Tell Me About … submission #1
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Here are a few of my other posts about submission:
What is your ideal view of my submission?
The Faces of my Submission
A Need for Submission
Path to the Summit?