Posts puppies and pubes - picture of woman swimming in white dress

Posts, Puppies and Pubes

So it turned out that I took a break from writing posts last week. This was not planned, it just sort of happened. But it has made me think, once I got over my feeling of guilt that is. And that is it! Why was I feeling guilty about something which is fun? Blogging is something that I want to do. Something which makes me, me. The answer? Because I am me and beating myself up is what I do. But I have to stop. I have to take stock. So here I am, doing what I do and using this as a forum, via a post of course. In doing this I see that I was lost and I hope that I am now found.

The title of the post? Yes. POSTS!

I have beaten myself up about my lack of ability to keep up. To measure up to the standard. And that isn’t right. I didn’t come here to keep up. I came here to tell people about my journey in the hope that now and then it would mean something to someone and they would feel that they had found a kindred spirit.  And I am so happy to say that people do that. And they do connect. And they do ask me to listen. I am not so happy to say that I have been less good at that part than previously I was. The same would go for learning from others and for reading what others have to say. I have been feeling that there is never enough time. So what am I doing wrong? Where is my time going.

Since starting Sinful Sunday and attending Eroticon, there was a bit of a shift for me. I became aware of an exciting community, many of whom had similar interests to me and many of whom were also blogging regularly about sex related subjects. It was a bit of a revelation really and I soon found myself becoming involved in other memes and prompts. This has been a lot of fun and I have not only enjoyed it but have learnt a lot from it too. So where is the down side you may ask? Well I have one of those annoying tendencies to compare myself to others. To set my norms and expectations by what others do and this had led to me becoming a little obsessive about it at times.

Pressure

Sentences which start with I have to …..,  I need to ….,  I’ve got to …., are being uttered all too frequently as I struggle to keep up with the standard I have set myself.  This is really pretty ridiculous as these projects are there as a bit of fun, a bit of support, so why do I end up feeling that I have to take part. What started as one weekly meme has grown into being five weekly projects that I am checking and thinking about ideas for. Writing that now, I can see how far off the page I have strayed! I love the sense of community and the feeling of being part of something. I love receiving feedback which I can use to set goals and targets, but I don’t love the guilt I feel if I don’t get the chance to read and to comment and to support others in the same way that I am being supported.

This week the break that I took wasn’t planned, but it was overdue. We were away for the weekend and then on monday night my son needed help with some school work. That took most of the evening so no time to write anything really. Tuesday night is one of our three weekly online munch type chats at The SafeworD/s Club. We host a topic chat on a Tuesday, a discussion on a Thursday and an open chat session on a Sunday, so that is pretty much what we do those evenings. Wednesday is the other evening I have to write and something came up then too. It wasn’t until I thought about it today that I realised how ridiculous my expectations of my own participation are. I am comparing myself against people who don’t do some of the other things that I do. We each should cut our coat according to our cloth and I am trying to make wonder woman’s cape from a handkerchief. The result may well be something that would be fit for Sinful Sunday but in the end it isn’t going to cover me in the way that I need it to.

Puppies

I had a think about all of this while I was out walking with the dog today. We got our puppy at the start of May and she is fab. I absolutely love her and she has really helps me meet the daily target I set when I joined a fantastic group of online twitter steppers. These ladies and the google sheet crafted and dispatched every three months by @hairydom has really kept me focussed. My fitbit even awarded me a Great Barrier Reef badge at the weekend as apparently I have walked 2574 kilometers so far. But that gorgeous puppy takes time. She takes time out of each day and time at the weekend. It is time well spent of course and therein lies the rub. My life is bloody brilliant. It has loads of things that I love and want to do, I just struggle to manage to fit them all in and do them as I want to do them!

Priorities

This is where I struggle. When you have lots of things that you want to do and lots of things that you want to do well, how do you prioritise what you should do? With a demanding full-time job, I am not going to be able to do everything, but I have such great ideas for how I want each to grow. It is not just a case of fitting it in. I want to be setting goals and moving forwards in each area. I am my own worst enemy. I continually bite off more than I can chew. I come home each weekend with plans which would probably not be realised in a week’s holiday and then wonder where I messed up. One thing leads to another and although I may verbalise a couple of topic sentences, in my head each will lead to a full-blown novel.  I have to ….,  I need to ….,  I’ve got to ….!

Pubes

When is everything meant to be fitted in? Not that my pubes take up a whole load of time, they are just an example really. I do have a standard there too but again, that has slipped. We bought a laser hair remover a while ago and I was really good about doing it at the start. It was working too. But somewhere along the line, it has fallen into a drawer and been replaced by something quicker. The drawer is not only home to the Tria, but also the MicroPedi and the Silkepil. And damn it isn’t my gelux nail polish in there most of the time too? Don’t get me wrong. I have not let my hair and nails grow freely but I have cut corners in routines which were once part of my weekly self-care.

What I eat and drink has been affected in the same way, and I don’t want to think about the number of times I have kept typing knowingly through my bedtime or in the bathroom when I am meant to be getting ready. I am pushing the boundaries, and I am pushing myself. I have been open with HL about the fact that “I am too busy at work to drink my water.” Explaining that it added pressure and meant it felt like “just another thing to do” allowed me to persuade him to let go of something which wasn’t working well, but should have been. Not having time to drink means that you really need to take a long hard look at where your life is at. It screams warning sign and is not really something that should have been allowed to be bypassed.

Perspective

When I am in the place that I have been, my perspective shifts. I set myself unrealistic goals and compare myself to false comparators. My head becomes so chock-a-block that it is hard to sift through and see things clearly. There is a shift. An example would be the fact that it is now 5.01. I get up at 6 but woke at 4. I waited for a bit but didn’t get back to sleep so have started writing. I was part way through writing this post when I went to bed. Before our weekly maintenance session I told HL that I was struggling to focus as “my post is still writing itself in my head.” He had not realised until then that I was being literal. Although I had stopped typing, the words and phrases continued to come and form sentences and paragraphs in my mind. A few sharp shocks with the cane each time I drifted were able to address that for the duration of the session, but now, here I am.

When my perspective shifts, I drag him into it. I paint a picture and try to convince him to see what I do, or at least to accept it. I support a pupil at school who is highly stressed about doing well. She manages that stress by working harder. She is working herself into the ground and what she wants is becoming less likely due to the physical and mental demands that she is putting on herself. She can’t see this but I can. But I can’t always see it when it’s happening to me. The demands on me at work are making me feel that I am failing to meet my standards so I am taking control of that by setting myself standards in other areas where I feel I can achieve. But my skewed perspective means that these goals are no more realistic than they ones which are being forced upon me from outside.

Punishment

“I am taking control ….”? Hang on a minute. I am not allowed to take control. So how did I get here? How did I manage to use my smoke and mirrors to shift the balance in our power exchange and claw back some control over myself and my time so that my unrealistic expectations became acceptable. I suppose it happens because control is my friend. It is my go-to and always has been. It is the way that I manage stress. I actually need control to feel safe. What works best is when HL takes control and makes sure that it is managing me rather than me managing it. But when I am struggling to manage at work and persuade him that these things at home are allowing me to escape and they are helping, it seems to be true. I suppose initially it is true.

When it gets to the point that I am not keeping up my side of the deal, for whatever reason, there needs to be something done to redress the balance. Punishment sounds harsh but it can be a motivator, it can be an incentive, it can be a way to shift things by stopping to take stock, to reflect and to evaluate. There are consequences for every action and if dealt with quickly and efficiently these consequences can be less far-reaching than if they are left to grow. Easier and quicker to stop a car gaining speed when it first gathers momentum than after it is already out of control.

What is hard is to punish someone who already seems to be suffering. Our natural instinct is to try to protect and it seems hard to be cruel to be kind. It is also hard to respond to someone’s adult pressures by treating them like a child which is how it can sometimes feel. In my case, that is what I need. Left to my own devices I will drive myself recklessly. I will head down a track too fast and without the proper caution, cutting corners and neglecting to maintain the parts being put under strain. I will cover lots of ground but it will take its toll on me.

I am not the submissive who I read about in fiction stories, not just because of the element I have written about here but in other ways too. That is not to say that I am not a submissive. That is not to say that I don’t want this, that I don’t need this, just as much as they do although it may look different. Being managed by someone who knows what I need, who listens to what I want to achieve and supports me to do that in manageable chunks, is when I am happiest. It is when I am calmest and it is where I am able to see the most growth. My problem is that I hide behind the things that I do.

Progress

Believe it or not I have got better at not managing things this way. And HL has got better at managing me in the way that works best, but what has happened on this occasion is that he has cut me some slack at home because of how things have been at work, and neither of us have seen the old bad habits creeping back in. It has been such a gradual applying of the layers that it wasn’t until I stopped to look that I could see how ridiculous I was being in terms of what I was expecting of myself and in terms of what I was expecting him to support. If I had been communicating openly, then it would all have been clear but I think that I was probably shaping the detail so that he responded in a way which allowed me to continue.

For whatever reason, probably an entirely new post, some of the structure of our D/s has been relaxed this past while and that, too, has added to the flexibility to push things in a direction which looked ok from the outside but was actually not so great on the inside. God I need this thing to keep me on the straight and narrow. It means I can breathe and it gives me a freedom that I never quite manage to reach when I am battling it. I need the shift. I need to be taken in hand and I need to be taken out of my own head. I need my focus to be his, not the one of the crazy world that I have created for myself. I need to submit but for that I need to be dominated.

Pals

I am fortunate to have so many bloody amazing things in my life that I want to give my time and my energy to, even if that sometimes means that I get caught up in wanting to do it all. One of the things I have been really blessed with online and that I try to prioritise is my friendships. It is true that the best friend I ever had was a catfish but I have not let that stop me throwing myself into building new relationships and friendships. It is through some of these recent engagements that I have mulled and mused over what is going on. The reaction I have had has been grounding. While always supporting, my friends have allowed me to realise some of what I am writing here. It hasn’t been said directly but it didn’t need to be. The patient discussion that has gone back and forth has certainly been part of the catalyst for change.

Prognosis

Change is required. And in the time it has taken me to complete this post, changes have already been put in place. I had avoided the move to write a post about my resolutions as I was so stressed, the thought of committing to anything else made me feel that I would go under. And yet here I am I suppose. A sort of reversal of the usual pattern, I am proposing a more honest evaluation of where my time has been going and a request to hand back control so that boundaries can be set to keep me in check. I am proposing a reduction and not an increase. I am proposing that posts, puppies, pubes, and of course pals, are priorities which are managed and that pressure is therefore reduced. My prognosis is that I need to be punished when I stray and this will not only help me to make progress but also to keep my perspective. I have been operating under extremes and my method of management can only ever be short-lived.

And so …. for the Proposal

Having chatted it through this is what has been agreed.  HL will manage these areas via regular check-ins and I will be expected to self-refer where I have not followed his guidance. Failure to meet (or in some areas exceed) these requirements will be punishable.

Online (as per rules)
3 chats to host each week plus site admin for The SWC and submissy
3 blog posts per week (max) – submissy and The SWC
Curfew for online time

Self Care (as per rules)
Eat and drink healthily
10 000 steps per day exercise
Observe strict bedtime
Weekly personal admin

Structure and routine (as per rules)
Talktime twice weekly
Weekly maintenance caning
Work from 8am til 6pm
Daily communication re wellbeing
transition ritual as agreed on return from work

Click here to read more from my submissive journal

Posted in Mental Health, Submissive Journal.

29 Comments

  1. Well that was a week’s worth of post! Thank you for sharing so many details of how you are feeling. I’m glad you have a path to follow that hopefully will lead to a happier and less guilty you ☺.

  2. That sounds like a robust and positive plan, and I can wholeheartedly relate to the shoulds and musts and keeping up with all the whatevers and the guilt that goes with not, and setting the bar higher to compensate. Food for thought. Thanks for sharing this x

    • You are welcome. It became too long to be finely tuned but it was good to feel myself breathe again as it all tumbled out. It has been building for a while I think so it’s good to have a plan and to write what I need to rather than what I feel I should. Thanks for reading and commenting 😊

  3. I am one of those who reads all your posts. But I have no expectations of you with respect to frequency or length. In fact, a week off for you translates into me having an easier time keeping up with all I follow.
    You should enjoy writing! You should do it for yourself! You should feel no guilt for being busy and not writing! You should remember that you are human and that we all know that and respect you AND your humanity!! Stay well Missy!!

  4. I’m glad you finally got there. I’ve worried for a while that you are trying to do too much and heading for a mammoth crash. I used to do this myself but I’ve got much better at saying “no” and deciding what is achievable and what’s not.

    I completely understand what you mean about how when you have outside pressures you want HL to take more control at home. But instead subtly take control yourself. I’m guilty of that myself. When I feel overwhelmed at work I make excuses for not following the rules and persuade MrH that it’s better to let it slide than punish me. In reality it would probably be more beneficial if he said no. I have set the rules and you will follow them.

    I often look at how many posts some bloggers do and think how on earth do they manage it?!? Then I think that’s their life and this is mine. I do what is ok for me.

    I’m glad you’re going to do the same ❤️

    • Thanks sweet. It can be hard to keep things in perspective but when I looked at it in paper I could see. The SWC takes a lot of work and so I have to do less of other things. 😊

  5. I’m glad that you have set yourself some clear achievable goals and hope HL helps you on the path to completing them and no sneeky additionals. I think it can be difficult for the Dom to punish and keep you on the right track when like you say they only want to help and don’t want to make things worse. But when the punishment is what’s needed to keep you in check then it’s definitely missed if not dished out. You sound like you’ve had a break through and are a lot clearer in your mind so that’s brilliant X

  6. Sometimes we need to create more boundaries to cope with a busy life. I am glad you have come to certain decisions here and I think this post would go perfectly with Sassy Cat project – I know she is interested in featuring self care posts too – if you need help adding it then let me know x

    • Thanks May. I will have a think about adding it. I thought it was quite long and rambling, which I suppose is the point as the process of writing does help me 😊

  7. I know all about comparing myself to others and wanting to do it the same way they do, or as much as they do, etc… that’s how I did it in my first years of blogging. I know this comes from someone who posts every day (even though I have said I am going to give myself time off), but the way I do things now, is the way I want to do things. The days I don’t post will definitely come, I am sure of that, but bottom line is that you should do it the way you want to do it. Whether you post once a week or all days, I will be here to read 🙂

    Take care of you!

    Rebel xox

    • Aww thank you Marie. I really don’t know how you manage to do some much. I am in awe. I think that I have to acknowledge that the other online things I do are time consuming but they are also worth it so it is a case of finding the balance. 🙂

  8. All this chaos is called life and the pressure creeps in on us all. You definitely help people connect and I’ll speak for all of us (I hope) and say…no pressure to keep up with “our expectations” on your posting schedule. After all, did you notice how many days it took me to read and comment? 😂😳

    Glad to see you find a solution and begin to recenter yourself!

  9. PS…I’d love to know more about the transition ritual from work to home. That’s something we’re working on.

    • We have tried lots of different ones. There are quite a few parts to it and it has to be adapted depending on who is there. Having the puppy meant that she was so pleased to see me that she took my attention when I first got home so that fit in the way of what we had set up. We have turned that round though so that in getting down to pet her, I can actually kneel for HL. A clever twist. That is the first part and then when I am home I get changed and remove my underwear and give it to him. It has to move and change with us so we may need to tweak it and add to it as things go 😊

        • Always happy to chat. If it’s something you want to talk about more we can put it on the calendar for topic chat or discussion next month?

          • At SWC? This would be great to see discussions on but due to work hours and time zones, we can’t make Tuesday or Thursday chats on topics. 😩

          • Sorry I just saw this. We will make it a special Sunday topic chat. Let me know when is good and I will add it to the calendar.

          • We should be there this Sunday the 27th if that works. If not, just pick a date and we’ll be there! Thanks!!

  10. Thank you for being so honest missy. So much of this post is relatable to me. I try to do everything and I just can’t. I feel a bit lost right now but it helps to see that you’ve made a positive plan for the way forward.

    • I think it takes time to work out what works and also what the barriers are to things working. Articulating my thoughts and feelings on here has been so helpful for me. I hope that you feel you are back on track again soon 😊

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