As this is the first Sinful Sunday of 2019 and also a prompt week, I decided to picture the letter F with all of the personal pictures that I posted on my blog last year. I started taking part in Sinful Sunday in February last year and what a year it has been. My ‘Throwing Caution to the Window‘ project was about pushing myself to show a little more, both in terms of what I wrote about and the image that accompanied it, and ultimately my hope was to become more comfortable with being me. I chose Sinful Sunday because it encourages bloggers to post pictures which have ‘some sort or erotic or sensual quality about them.’ I also thought posting something regular which was public would keep me going as I am pretty focussed like that.
As with so many things, committing in this way has exceeded my expectations. The feedback, encouragement and support I get from those who view and comment on my pictures is significant in allowing HisLordship to push me further and further and continue to challenge and sometimes replace the negative self view I have nurtured for so long. I am not naive enough to think something that has been a mental health issue for years will suddenly be cured by having positive feedback, but I am wise enough to know that anything which helps you to change a negative thinking style, will certainly take the power out of the irrational thoughts.
Thoughts are not truths but they do illicit feelings which are in line with them, so they can almost become self-fulfilling if you entertain them. To be able to challenge the negative thoughts, to play with the look and sound of ones which are more positive, has been a huge step forward. Clearly what you see when you look at a picture is not the same as what I see, but we all see things differently. Having others point out what is positive in their minds has forced me to look again, to come at it from a different perspective, to see with altered eyes. Little by little it has become easier, and more exciting, and more enjoyable.
I feel that I have been on quite a journey in terms of how I see myself, and although this part has not been about my submission, that has been the catalyst for ensuring that the change took place. Creating images each week which are ‘erotic or sensual’ has not only given me a focus but also the push that I needed for my personal growth. HL has been my supporter, my encourager, my photographer but most of all, my Dominant because without that, I would have backed out of either taking or posting, most of the images above. To try to create a picture of myself each week that I feel is worthy of showing to others, has been a bit of a turning point for me.
The most viewed picture on my blog was Going Deeper which I do really like but the two which I like best are Feeding the Birds and this Feeling the Eroticon Effect because they mark significant points in a personal sense. There are a couple which are missing. Part way through the year, my twitter and blog were discovered by someone who I care about a great deal. The fact that the pictures seemed central to changing the perception they had of me had a significant impact. I thought about pulling the plug on everything as it was a wake up call to the risk I am taking, but in the end I just removed some of the posts and pictures.
Tt let me see that I had felt protected in this world of body positive, sex positive people. I had become so much part of that and had chosen to ignore the disapproval that can come from others towards what we do. I wanted to be more like those of you who would say, “To hell with that. This is who I am, take me or leave me.” Perhaps one day I will be like that but for now I am not at that place. I have come a long way for me, but I still have a huge distance to travel to be where I will feel I can be who I am and don’t care what others think. I have stepped out into the light in some forums but I am not ready to be known in other areas of my life. IAlthough I don’t want to take the risk of what could be lost currently, that doesn’t mean that I am not committed to what I am doing and that I don’t truly believe that it is a good thing.
Looking back at these pictures makes me see that those which are missing are part of a blip in what has been a really positive experience. It makes me excited to see where this will go next and happy to be part of something which is such a positive to me and to others. Sinful Sunday has introduced me to so many people who I find inspirational in terms of their view and outlook, the biggest of those being Molly. She not only supports and encourages, she also teaches and shares her experience and expertise so that whether you are the poser, the photographer, the editor or all three, you can learn and improve the pictures you take.