I have always been someone who enjoys sex. When I look back now that sort of surprises me as the type of sex we have currently is so different to anything that I had found before. The closest comparison would be at the beginning of the relationship when you are consumed by your sexual desire and attraction to the other person, and you feel that you might come just because they are close to you. That feeling is something that D/s allows us to recreate and sustain. Is this because we have spiced things up with kinky sex? I do think that some of my vanilla friends might look and see it as being hot and spicy, if not downright deviant and perverted, but although at the start I would have said this was why it was more exciting, I don’t think that is the case any more.
We have a relationship where communication of your inner thoughts, feelings and desires is not just encouraged, it is actively sought. There really is no place to hide and no sooner have you thought it, then it has been teased out, discussed and plans are underway. This in itself is pretty exciting in a yikes or an eek kind of a way and it means that we are continually evolving and trying out things which are new. Looking at the play, scenes and kink category of my blog you will find posts on things such caning, spanking, forced orgasms, sensory deprivation, roleplay, anal play, humiliation, primal play and the list goes on, so I don’t think we can ever claim that we aren’t indulging in things which would spice things up on any level.
What I have come to realise though is that for me, once the thrill of trying something new has worn off, these elements of BDSM themselves are not what hit the spot. It is the Dominance that gets me off; that is really what turns me on. I think that HisLordship was a little disappointed recently when we spoke about how I felt about being bound. While I like to wear cuffs and I like to be secured, on its own this is not a trigger for me to begin to let go and really lose myself to what he is doing. It is far more about the words he uses and what he makes of the various acts than it is about the acts themselves. This is why I think that erotic humiliation is such a big trigger because it is about the mental aspect, and for him to take control of my mind means that my body follows and I become his.
It surprises me that the things I had once thought of as spicy and hot, are actually mostly a vehicle to allow him to take me where I want him to through his control of me. It is not so much the spice itself as the thought of what being spicy says about me, not so much what he is doing to my body, but what he is doing to my mind. While being spanked can turn me on, being put over his knee and having my knickers slowly pulled down will really flick a switch and kick things off. What turns me on is the power he has to make me want him and need him and ache for him. The power to make my body respond to him and react to him in ways which I have no say in. When he tells me to get wet for him or for my nipples to stand up for him and my body does what he instructs, that is the real game changer for me.
So is the sugar as effective as the spice? I think I have come to the conclusion that it can be, depending on how it is used. I like clamps and crops and chains and vibes. I enjoy needles and knives and plugs and masks. But at the end of the day, he could lay me on the bed with none of that and talk to me and I could literally dissolve in front of him, from nothing but his words. So I suppose the spice does add an edge, but when it becomes familiar it can lose impact. Spicy food eaten once in a while will have a greater effect than if the dish is eaten every day as you begin to adapt and adjust and perhaps that is partly what happens to me. I do think that for HL it is different, however, and the kinky nature of the things that we do helps him to feel in the zone and that, of course, will impact upon me too.
HL will sometimes comment that he can’t believe he has a wife who will let him do these things to her, so I think that for him the turn on is that I submit to his kinky desires. For me it is that he makes me want to submit to things which a nice girl would never want to do, so the two are closely linked and one feeds into the other. I need him to Dominate me to really let myself go so that is a huge part of what we have. Living D/s as a lifestyle means that I don’t see that as being something we use to spice things up but more an integral part of the way we are. On the other hand D/s gives us a platform to try new things which are often part of BDSM and, as kinks and fetishes, would definitely fall into the spicy category.