Lost - woman standing in the water on a rock

Lost

Lost - woman standing in the water on a rockSometimes I feel a bit lost. It has been one of those times and I am not sure why I feel like this. I think it started when something happened to make me question how comfortable I was with this other part of my life becoming exposed and judged by others who I care about. It shook me. It knocked my confidence. And I am not sure that I have been able altogether to bounce back.

I am struggling a bit to resolve the two parts of me now that I can see how much they cause conflict with one another. To know me as one means that it is hard to understand my decisions and choices as another. I don’t want to be seen as a hypocrite but I think that can be the reality sometimes, especially by people who don’t see what I see about what lies underneath.

It has been easy to slip into this world where I am accepted and I had embraced that, pushing myself further and doing things which I would not initially have done. And I love that progress. I love that freedom. I really feel that in this environment I am able to express the inner me and celebrate who that person is. And in doing something I love I have allowed myself to feel a safety which isn’t necessarily there.

I am torn between continuing the way I have been and pulling back. The part of me that is scared sort of torments the other side, playing on the fears and forcing scenarios across the page. I hesitate when I have written something ready for publish and imagine those other eyes reading and not being able to see the reflection and the learning and the beauty. And that has made me sad. I feel like I have lost something, lost a part of me.

I also think that I am carrying guilt underneath which makes me vulnerable to judgement and I am not entirely sure how to deal with that or really where it has come from. I think it is part of the desire for approval that I so desperately want to shake, while at the same time trying to give it what it needs. It feels like a gap or a space or a part of the jigsaw that has not yet revealed itself to me and so I am somewhat in that dark as to how to manage it.

I want to not care. To throw caution away and feel confident and proud but somehow I am struggling to do that. I am pulled back to reality in a way that I have not been before but I don’t really want to be there. I want to be out and be bold about it. To say this is who I am, like it or not, but I am scared of the price, of the cost of losing people I care about, and the sickening feeling that the regret of that brings to the pit of my stomach when I think of it.

I feel that I have detached a little from the person I embraced before, not because I want to but because of my need to be safe. My need to protect the parts means hiding them behind the whole and that is bringing about a bit of a disconnect. I hope that soon I will be able to resolve this a bit. To get back or to move on or whatever it is that will make me feel more complete again.

I want to feel alive, to feel that vitality, and I want to feel like I have grown. Something about this has me stuck in the insecurities of the past that I thought I had moved on from and at my age I am a bit horrified at how vulnerable I still feel. Although I have talked about this with HisLordship I had not considered what happened as being a contributor to how I am feeling now. Hopefully now I will be able to start to work through things more effectively and get back to feeling more like myself.

Posted in Submissive Journal.

20 Comments

  1. No one knows the internal wrangling you have put yourself through of late more than I. Troubled waters do not make for a smooth sail. Having your decision-making outcomes questioned only instigates a mental investigation of every worst possible outcome to your life. Having continual support can, and has, provided an environment where you feel accepted and protected. It can also create an illusion of complete safety that others are afforded by their own lifestyle choices. I see reflecting back on recent months as a que for evaluation of what is achievable with the bounds of personal safety. Remember, you are never alone in this relationship and getting lost is just half the journey of finding yourself again, with me.

      • You are definitely not alone in your thinking this way. At times, when you feel those most vulnerable and unsure is when it hits you, at least for me. But I have found that the vulnerability and sensitivity is me, it’s good, and it is when I need to push forward and face what is putting me there. I love to see we all have similar things we deal with and can share. Thank you for sharing yours❣️xx

  2. I think being lost is just part of your submission. It’s not good or bad, it just is. Selfishly, I enjoy your posts. Your posts help me understand my wife. Whatever struggles you are having posting, your posts are valued by those of us who read them regularly. Thus, you are not alone. Fear not. You are on a journey of exploration, enjoy the journey as the rest are enjoying reading about your journeys. Again, don’t forget, you’re not alone in this.

    • Thank you for that. It really helps to read your comment as I always worry when I post these sorts of things that others won’t want to read them 😊

  3. I’m so sorry you’re feeling lost but I completely understand and know why, it’s one that concerns me greatly for a number of shared reasons. I’m not sure what the answer is though, but know I’m also with you and hope there’s a route that meets the needs of all parts x

  4. I hope so very much that you are able to reconcile these fears into a way of being that feels comfortable and safe as well as showing the growth you have been through.

    I hope that you don’t feel too alone and that you are able to talk not only to HL but also to your friends. I for one am here if you need to talk. You have such a beautiful, lovely, genuine, caring and loving soul and I want only good things for you ❤️

  5. I can guess that someone found your blog and recognized you. The comments they must have made to you showed a lack of understanding and care. You know my position. I do take some risks with my posts and the pictures I share. I like to think that if discovered, whomever it was would be understanding and accepting. But they might not be. They might be shocked and upset. The thing of it is though—if they react that way then I don’t need them in my life. I want friends who are supportive of all my decisions as long as I’m not hurting others or breaking laws. If you need to judge me, then I am probably far better off without you in my life.
    Missy you are a tremendous woman with so much empathy and caring oozing out of you. Those of us who follow you count ourselves privileged to know you. We have seen the real you and we like you. Moreover many of us admire you. I know this battle within you is difficult. Please remember that we are all here for you and that you are precious to us. Stay well!

    • Thank you Michael that really means a lot to me. I will continue to work through this and hope that I can come out the other end feeling stronger and more self assured. 😊

  6. Missy…I understand you and your dilemma so deeply. I also was a teacher, but that isn’t the point where I connect. At this point, I’ve begun to recognize the sub in me and the D/s relationship my wife and I want. At the same time, I’m a “public figure” that could never be both what I am to that world, and a bold, public submissive.

    Truth…it’s not being hypocritical. It’s recognizing that we (you and I, as well as many others) have bridged a gal between two groups of people. Each have deeply held values. And then one day, the “public” version of us realizes that we couldn’t publicly recognize the values of the other people we connect with unless we offend, or maybe even hurt, those in the other group. It’s simoky about values. We share values with more than one group of people we love and hold dear. But…and this is the hard part…one group is our public self and the other… is not. To bring the private self public is not hypocritical. But it will be life altering. It will alienate one group for the sake of the other. And that, is the very question. For me, the good I can do, and hope to do in my current “public form”
    Is far more rewarding for both me and the world (I hope) than if I became a public submissive and abandoned that “version of self”.

    For now, that means the submissive stays private and the greater good I can contribute stays with values that represent the other group.

    You’re not hypocritical. You’re simply torn between the values of two great causes, and two great groups of people you’ve come to know…both of which you are part of. (Sorry for ending with a preposition 😉)

    • What you have said is true and it is helpful. It is difficult when reaches out and touches the other and I had built a life where the two were separate and clearly defined and I could enjoy both. I am sure that it will work out in time 😊

  7. It sounds like you’re going through a bit of a spot. I think about what I’d do or feel if someone found out about “me”. I don’t know honestly. It would be tough because people don’t understand. Reconciling the two parts is hard too, but I feel like you’re well adjusted and can make them Met at least a little. Hang in their

    • I hope so. It has definitely affected me more than I thought it would, or at least it has affected me in ways that I didn’t expect. I guess it will take time to bounce back a bit. 😊

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