I struggle to be vocal during sex and play. It is not something that I have ever done and therefore it feels uncomfortable I suppose. I know that part of what makes things work well is to communicate your thoughts and feelings and I have no trouble with that in other areas of my life, but where my own needs with regards to pleasure are concerned, I tend to keep quiet. This makes things difficult for HisLordship on a number of levels, and while he is very good at working with what he has, it probably does have an impact.
Part of my issue is in knowing what I want. I have never really spent much time thinking about my own sexual needs although I have always enjoyed sex and sexual play. I think because I grew up with quite a negative perception of myself, there was a sense of not being worthy or important. I never felt that I really liked myself so to think about how to make myself feel pleasure felt uncomfortable to me. It isn’t that I didn’t want to feel pleasure, more that I didn’t want to acknowledge that I might have needs and desires and deserve to feel good.
That is probably why I have always got off on what is being done to me. It makes me feel validated and I talk often about the feeling I get of becoming part of HL during play. It is like I leave myself (certainly the conscious part) behind and am then free to enjoy myself. I need him to take the control from me so that I can let go. It is a mental thing to start with because the thought processes which would stop me letting go are the same ones which stop me being vocal. What this means is that when I let go mentally I will make more noise, and make it clearer what I want on a physical level. I am not always aware of it but even if I am, I am beyond caring by that point.
For me this is a huge part of the turn on – he has made me do it. He has made me want him and burn for him. He has made me into the mess that I become. He has made me greedy for that level of pleasure so I don’t have to take responsibility which is why it is freeing. I often describe it as wanting to be broken and this is what I mean. I need him to break through those mental barriers which keep me from my own pleasure. I need him to systematically take apart the psychology which stops me from letting go and rip my self-control apart.
Because this loss of control turns me on, to communicate thoughts and ideas about what I might like while that is in process means that the effect of it becomes diluted. It pulls me back into my own head and that conscious part will stop me from letting go. So it is a vicious circle. To verbalise is a very conscious thing and because I have two sides in conflict – the physical which desires sexual pleasure and the cerebral which clings on to control of my body and mind – the body needs to win over the mind.
This is another reason not to tell HL what I really want. I am embarrassed. Because a lot of what I like it based around erotic humiliation and emotional masochism, it is very difficult to put into words, at least in an ‘I’d like more of this’, ‘could you put that there please,’ sort of a way. Ultimately I don’t want to want what I want, which creates a cognitive dissonance. I am fighting myself. This is good in the sense that if HL uses it ‘against me’ it turns me on and acts as a trigger for my submissive space, but it also means that I find expressing what I really want virtually impossible to put into a request.
We have talked about this a lot and the more I realise about myself and share with him, the closer we get to him being able to push me past these boundaries. This is an exciting as well as a scary thought. For now, with so many children in the house we are both much less vocal than we would be without them. When they are no longer at home it will mean that not only is there more opportunity to moan, groan, scream but also more opportunity to push past some of the barriers that exist. I was horrified when he played back a recording of me during a forced orgasm scene at the fact I sounded like a wounded animal. He said he found it sexy which is just as well as he made me do it!