mumI remember when I first started masturbating. I don’t know how old I was, maybe 12, but I recall the way it felt. Even then it wasn’t just the physical; doing it felt really illicit and I loved it. In fact the thought of doing it was so thrilling and naughty that I pretty well got off just on that. I started with the classic rub, humping my pillow until I ‘got the good bit.’ I then got more adventurous and wondered what it would feel like with something inside of me. I knew nothing about vibrators back then of course so it was a case of fingers and then looking around me at the household objects I could use. It seems funny now as I am more of a clit stim type of girl but back then, it seemed that I wanted to be stuffed.

I have memories of wandering around the local chemist shop, looking for something which would do. I selected a ‘Mum’ deodorant. I chose it for the shape really and it was more curvy than the one in the picture. It was a peach colour and plastic, not glass. I wanted something which would not be identified for its purpose and it sat on my dresser as if it was a normal thing for a nice girl to do. No one ever knew and I didn’t discuss it until I was much older. Then, with a crowd of girls late teens and early twenties we talked about masturbation. I was the only one who admitted to ever having done it and they let out shocked laughing gasps as the story of the deodorant bottle unfolded.

I was slightly disappointed to have made my revelation and be the only one and found it frustrating as I was sure that it couldn’t be the case. Sure enough later, one by one, three from the group told me privately that they had also touched themselves but were embarrassed to say. I found that a lot with talking about sex and sexual experience. I always seemed to be out on a limb in terms of the things that I did, never mind the things that I wanted to try but daren’t think about. I suppose as a youngster this added to the feeling that I was dirty and wrong and is part of the reason that the cognitive dissonance from erotic humiliation works so well for me now.

It wasn’t until my first marriage was failing that I purchased my first vibrator. I had wanted one since a boyfriend had used one with me when I was in my early twenties but shortly after had married and when I suggested it to my husband he said that we couldn’t take the risk of ordering sex toys as we were teachers and could lose our jobs for being perverts. End of story. As a young mum who was on a career break my reputation was of little concern so I pushed my buggy into Anne Summers one fine day and bought my first jelly vibrator. It was sparkly and pink and I loved it. As I headed to bed, I asked my husband where the batteries were and told him why I wanted them, but he just shrugged and grumbled about my waste of money and went back to watching Newsnight.

I couldn’t believe the speed of the thing and regretted waiting so long. I used to masturbate then most nights and could get off pretty much any time with my new toy. With my Nancy Friday books under the bed and my new vibe in the bedside table, I got lost in my fantasies and felt better about my weird desires. I didn’t expect to ever try any of the things that I wondered about and didn’t even think that I would want to in reality but my sexual exploration definitely moved up a level. If I had known what vanilla was, I would have known what I wasn’t, but as it was I still didn’t have the words. I knew that my tastes were on the wrong side of normal and I could indulge those through masturbation at that point.

If I masturbated a lot before I met HisLordship, then when we did meet I masturbated even more; I felt so sexy and so horny! Suddenly there was an outlet for the kinky naughty things I wanted to try and there was someone there suggesting them to me. When we weren’t together I got off on his words and the thought of what he was going to do to me. And there were the memories of what we did too, which fuelled me and created a seemingly insatiable need. Once we lived together of course, there was less need for masturbation and we both did it less then we had. We did it to each other as part of sex of course and sometimes would watch each other, but it became more an activity for a sleepless night or a lazy weekend morning.

Formalising our D/s meant that things changed again. Part of our agreement was that my orgasms belonged to him so I no longer touched myself without permission. It wasn’t a conscious decision not to do it as much, but I suppose we were wrapped up in all of the exciting things we could try and it just didn’t feature as much. Taking part in Tabitha’s 30 day orgasm challenge highlighted some of these changes but also meant that I started to masturbate a bit more. I preferred the orgasms that he gave me but I think it made us realise that it was something that we wanted to incorporate into our play.

I am not sure where all of this will take me but I imagine that I will be masturbating more in the future. HL likes the idea of people watching me and likes to exhibit me so perhaps he will take things in that direction, even if part of that is through fantasy. He also knows how uncomfortable I feel when he watches me so that is likely something he will build upon. Losing control for me comes from the slow and careful peeling away of the layers of defences I have built up, so I think that pushing my boundaries in terms of what I do and where and how I do it will be an area for development.

F4TFriday #63 – Do It Yourself