I would term myself as a lifestyle submissive. To me this means that I am submissive to my husband 24/7; this is not to say that I am actively submitting every minute of every day. I work and I sleep and I do the regular things that people do. What it does mean is that I am ready to submit to him at any point during that time. It means that I put his needs first and think about what will make him happy. That sounds like it could be a bit one sided but actually a D/s dynamic requires that he also puts my needs first so it works out pretty well usually.

Being a lifestyle submissive differs from other forms of submission in that you have agreed that this is something that you want to do all of the time. Other relationships may be bedroom only or could involve submission as part of play with another person. As all people are different, so all relationships are different and each person must decide what works best for them, but for us what we wanted was really a D/s marriage. This probably differs from some of the other lifestyle arrangements in that we have no contract. I suppose really that we are husband and wife first and Dom and sub second, but for us the two feel as one and the same.

I think it is really important if you are thinking about this sort of relationship that you create something that works for you and fits around the lifestyle that you have already. It is not so much living a submissive lifestyle as working the submission into your life. As such, it becomes a very organic thing which changes and moves and grows with you as the other factors in your life alter and you respond to that. We have woven the power exchange dynamic into the various aspects of our marriage in a way which works for us, but might look very different to the next couple.

As much as I might enjoy to be kneeling naked at the door waiting for HisLordship to return from work, I am actually out working myself and there is usually a puppy and a couple of teenagers in close proximity to our front door. Perhaps one day when things have changed this will be something that we try, but for now a simple greeting ritual is what works for us. This allows me to move from a situation where I am out at work, making decisions for myself, to an environment where I will naturally defer to him. I suppose it is a way of us saying to one another that I am his.

Leading a submissive lifestyle full time is easier for me than when we tried to do it just in the bedroom. While in theory I found it incredibly hot to think that I was his and he would use me as and when he wanted to, in reality I found it hard to make the mental shift from being in control of my own time and decisions, to suddenly being told what to do and how and when to do it. The way we are now means that I can slip into the mental headspace that I need to be in much more easily because it is never very far away from me. It is fed continually by the rules and rituals that we have in place which extend far beyond our sexual play.

The main advantage to us of living this sort of lifestyle is that we are much more closely connected than we were before. There were times that it worked really well of course and we had all the foundations of a D/s dynamic before we began, but this has given us the structure that we really need in order to sustain that connection more consistently. Focusing on the needs of the other means that we can keep each other at the centre and allow the stuff of life to revolve around us, rather than these other pressures and events becoming our focus.

I would say that I am not a natural submissive in that submitting doesn’t always come naturally to me. I can push back and fight against it and require a tough love approach at times. Although I give my submission freely, I do like to feel the strength of his Dominance and to feel that he is taking my submission from me. I suppose it is a bit like the thrill of the chase; I will run or put up a bit of a fight but that just means that my final surrender is all the more significant to me and to him.

Submission allows me to be free from myself and from the social constraints and barriers that life has created. It allows me to break down my layers of protection so that I am raw and exposed. There is such honesty in that and it is thrilling and intoxicating to feel like I have been seen, to know that I am loved for who I am and to be safe to be that person. It is exciting and intense and intimate in a way which can sometimes be hard to believe and hard to explain. It feels like I can give as much as I want and that won’t be too much for him, and at the same time it feels that I am enough.

I do not pretend for one moment that living this sort of lifestyle would work for everyone but it works for us. It allows us to have things that we couldn’t have otherwise and love in a way that we wouldn’t otherwise. There are always different roads to take you to where you want to be and this is our way to go where we want to go. It fits with the personalities that we have and we have tailored it to work with the life that we lead together. Although some would consider D/s an alternative lifestyle it doesn’t feel like that to us, it feels like a very natural way to be.

Prompt #327: Lifestyle

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked