I posted last week about the fact that sometimes people exaggerate or spin their experiences in order to make them seem more exciting, or more interesting, or more something else than they actually were. As a realist, this doesn’t sit well with me. However, I can see the value in putting a positive slant on things; yesterday’s post about using a narrative to evoke emotions made the point that even though a situation may be imagined, the feelings are real, so positive spin leading to positive responses makes a lot of sense. Last night something happened which made me realise that perhaps I am guilty of playing things down, as much as some others may play them up.
I know that I do this in real life in terms of my own skills and achievements, and I definitely don’t find it easy to ‘sell myself.’ Having a Dominant who believes in me and will help me to refocus and take a different perspective has helped immensely. Having some rules to follow in this area has also made a big difference. I realised last night that it can affect my expectations and my responses though. To set the scene, we had been doing wax play and HL told me to hold still while he removed the wax. He told me that he had a sharp knife and asked if I could feel the cold metal on my skin.
I could feel it alright. I felt the sharpness of it and the weight as it pressed into my skin. It stung a bit as he worked his way under the wax with the knife so that he could remove it. I was bound by my hands and wrists and was spread-eagled face down on the bed so I couldn’t see what he was doing. It felt icy cold in contrast to the hot wax as he scraped across the skin on my back. I toyed with the idea of the knife and decided it was probably a small picnic knife which felt much bigger due to the situation. The opposite of a mindfuck I suppose; I think I unfucked my mind!
The level of trust I have in HL is huge. When we first started to experiment with more kink related activities, I guess I was sort of cautious. He had never done a lot of this stuff before and I wondered if it would go right. I had never been on the receiving of much of it either and despite wanting to try it, I needed him to coax me through. It has changed now in that my trust is implicit, so when he mentioned the knife, I did not feel any sense of danger. Inside my head I dismissed it really as being anything which I should be concerned about, and relaxed as he moved it across my skin, peeling away the layers of wax.
We continued to play and after the scene ended we snuggled into each other and went to sleep. This morning we were having a bit of a debrief as we often do after play. We talk about what worked and what we want to do again. We chat about what we could take further and look at anything that didn’t go so well. I mentioned the knife as knife play is something that I am interested in but not something that we have explored on the level that interests me. Needle play and cutting are things which I have always thought about but were initially limits for HL but we had talked about how that might be changing.
I mentioned using a knife as part of edge play and also my thoughts about the knife the previous night. I said I had dismissed it as the picnic knife and he laughed. He said that perhaps he should have shown me if I was going to dismiss things so quickly. What he had actually used had been a large hunting knife which he then went to get. As he sharpened it in front of me for effect, then sliced through the skin on a cherry tomato, I realised that I had talked myself down in a large way which had probably hindered things. When he added that he had changed direction and ended the wax session because the lighting meant that he could not see what he was doing well, I realised that there had been much more risk than I had anticipated.
In truth, had he sharpened the knife in front of me the previous day, I might have had a different response but his intention on this occasion had been simply to remove the wax. What it did show is that while the level of trust and familiarity we have with each other can be a useful tool in pushing our boundaries further in some instances, it can also hinder things in others. We have had a useful conversation about how we might use a knife in play and I think have realised that, for me, the boundaries are set at a place that is further than he may previously have realised. The thought of him cutting me turns me on; there I have said it. I know that may seem extreme to some but the risks need to be real for me and I need more than the sensation to make it work.
Edge play is one of those things I guess where you are pushing your own boundaries so what is edge play to one may not be to another. And because you are pushing your boundaries what you consider to be at the edge will change and evolve over time. It was a useful discussion in the end and although initially I felt disappointed in having played things down, it was helpful to find out what it would take to push me in a different direction. It is always good to be reminded that sometimes the things that don’t work, can be really helpful in revealing more about the things that will.