say what

HisLordship and I knew each other quite well by the time we were actually together. As I explained in On the phone, we had talked about lots of things via phone and text and knew that our interests were outside the ordinary. I don’t know if either of us would have used the label kinky but I think we both would have admitted that our desires were on the wrong side of normal (or the kinky side of vanilla as we now know it). We definitely weren’t D/s; I didn’t know what it was or much about BDSM for that matter. We were just regular people, both had been in marriages which had failed, and both had been with partners who had no interest in such ‘irregular activities’.

The first time we had sex was pretty explosive. It was one of those moments where you feel you have waited so long that you are ready to pop. I felt like that anyway. The feeling of his breath on my skin was like an electric charge. There must have been some embarrassment there but the whole thing felt quite surreal, as if neither of us could  believe that it was really happening. We kissed while exploring each other and it really felt like nothing I had ever felt before. I felt like a seed about to split open and spill its fruit. I felt wanton and almost dangerous. I suppose, really, I felt out of control of my body in a physical sense and I was anxious about what might happen at the same time as knowing there was no way that I wanted to stop it.

He was talking to me, telling me in a low whisper what he felt about me, when he asked if he could put his finger in my arse. Although it was a question, it didn’t feel like such. I guess it was a statement of desire on his part and it was uttered before he really knew that he had. Equally for me, it felt as if he had delved deep into my mind, accessing thoughts which I had not yet formulated. I squeaked a yes, a little in disbelief that this was happening. It felt like I had abandoned myself and had turned myself over to the experience, content to get lost in him.

I felt his fingers move around and find my hole. I felt the pressure on it as he began to push inside. “Just relax!” he instructed with quiet confidence. And I did. This was the first time. The first time we had sex, the first time for anal play, the first time I really surrendered control of my body to someone. Before then I had been on the edge, riding the waves of my own pleasure, touching partners in ways I thought they wanted me to, using the thoughts and pictures that floated by in my mind to enhance things. This was complete release. It was unconditional, uncontrollable, it was me letting go and I loved it.

I loved the anal play too of course. It was wrong and dirty and I totally got off on that. It was something that nice girls like me didn’t do and it told a tale of the truth. It was my reality, this was my reality; a pulsing, dripping mess of heat, ready and crying out to be undone. I was struck with a feeling that I wanted more, needed more, but also a clear thought that I would never find this again with anyone else. There were many reasons, all rational, why we shouldn’t be together but this was one that said we should. It felt like something had occurred from the chemical reaction that we were together. It wasn’t just a physical thing, it was emotional too.  That day was the first time that I saw what was inside myself, and he saw it too.

When we talked about it after, he told me that he didn’t know where the question had come from. He told me that he couldn’t believe that I had let him do that to me and I was temporarily hit with a flush of shame and uncertainty that I had done the right thing. But he continued to say that he was shocked that when he told me to relax, my body had done just that and opened up for him. He said how overwhelming that was and how incredible it had been, and he asked, tentatively, if it had felt good and if it was something that I wanted to do again because he did.

This experience took place 11 years ago and it wasn’t just a first, it was a turning point in the road that has led to the life I now have. We didn’t discuss building D/s into our relationship until 5 years after this, and the made a formal commitment to a 24/7 dynamic 2 years later. But looking back, I can see that the elements were there from the start, even if we didn’t know what to call it or how to use it in a way that worked well for us. It was how we fitted together sexually and so it made sense to come back to it later in the way we have, and to extend the dynamic to other areas of our marriage.

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