Well that’s it – I am on holiday. It hasn’t got off the the sort of start that I had hoped it would and I am left here, wondering just what to do with my plans. There is a huge gap and I am angry at myself that I have, once again, allowed the curve balls and demands of my work life to take over things on the home front. I think it is common for teachers that we work towards the holidays. We push ourselves past what is normal in the knowledge that we can crash and let go. There is always the cynic in the staff room who knows exactly how many days it is until the next holiday, even on the in-service day at the start of term. “Oh well. Only 323 days until the next summer holiday!”
I try to stay away from these types as I love my job and it is a big part of me. This term, however, things happened which left me dealing with something traumatic and it really ground me down, not just the climax but the build up and the aftermath too. It shook not only my faith and my confidence in the system but also left me questioning if the efforts that I put in counted and were worth it. Essentially it took too much of me. Being D/s helps of course as it allows me to process things with the support and love that I need. It also means that it keeps me floating on the surface instead of going under. Sometimes I think that makes it harder in a roundabout way as it means I push myself further and further.
Because I have so much support at home, I am able to keep going and keep giving to other situations where I really need to draw the line. This is something that I have never been good at and I give not just time and energy, but empathy and emotion too and that is a drain. In other relationships, this has either led to a fight so that I rework my priorities or a distance whereby I continue on my road alone, sometimes realising that there is no way back even if I wanted to take it. People can grow apart as well as growing together. Dominance and submission gives us the type of relationship where we have the formality we need to make sure that it is the latter and not the former that happens.
I do see that I need to be managed more closely though. My language is full of ‘I have to do this’ and ‘they are relying on me to do that’ and ‘ no one else will do it if I don’t.’ It becomes highly charged with emotion when it is to do with people and you feel that you are letting them down, but my people are at home and I need to be reminded of that. I try to manage myself but sometimes my nature works against me and I can’t. I need to be told, whether I like it at the time or not. I need to be cleverer with my time and not put off the things that really matter. I need to focus on the self-care and on the time spent with the people who are mine, really mine.
So I sit here at the start of the holidays with time. Some of the things that I had planned will never now be realised, such is the cruel irony of life. I focussed on making it to the end of term only to find that the opportunity to spend time with someone I cared about had been taken from me. And that hurts. It leaves me with regret which is not something I enjoy. I must learn from this though. Life is short and we never know what it has in store for us next. I am one who loves to plan and to prepare for the future but I want to get better also at grabbing the opportunities and taking the chances that come my way, even if it seems crazy at the time. For those are the moments.
I also want to get better at work / home balance. And by home I mean the people who are my home, the people who matter, the people who are there when no one else is. I am blessed that I have these people and realise that I have not given enough to them. You shouldn’t put people who matter on hold, even if they love you enough to let you do that, and while I have learnt the hard way this time, I know that I need help to keep myself in check. I am grateful that I have HisLordship to make sure that I do what I need to do and hope that he will help me to avoid the sort of craziness that I fell into this time.
I think that we find people who compliment us and can bring out the best in us. He lets me shine because he is there behind me and I see that in so many of the couples that I know. But he has strength in ways that I don’t and I need him to make me lean on him and listen to him and keep helping me to be a better version of myself. As you get to know someone and realise which are their buttons and what makes them tick, you get better at knowing what they need. I know that he knows what my needs are and one of them is the need to let him manage me more.