“I would love to live like a river flows, carried by the surprise of its own unfolding.”
It seems that the gorgeous summery weather we have been having here has finally come to an end. It has led to ideal opportunities to peel off and enjoy the feel the warmth on my skin so I thought that I would remind myself of how that felt as I sit, back in my jumper, looking out at the rain. There is definitely something about the warmer weather that makes me feel sexier and more alive and with that is the feeling that I want to make things happen and push myself further.
I wrote in Quiet times about the fact that I have felt a little lost and distant this past while and I hoped that this was coming to an end. The quote I have used to go with this image summarises what it is that I love about the lifestyle we have chosen. It is the freedom, the not knowing, the anticipation, the blind trust that it will all end somewhere that I long to be. And it is true that so far I have been carried by the surprise of my own unfolding. I have learnt so much about myself as a person and about that ways that I have sought structure and control to limit things and keep myself safe in the past.
I also recognise that recently I have slipped a bit into a place where I am no longer throwing myself into the current of the water to see where it takes me, and I need to swim back out there again. I have been playing it safe, I suppose, so that I can deal with the stuff of life and have been pottering around close to the bank where the water is more predictable and less fast moving. This has not allowed for the same depth in terms of what has unfolded, and therefore some of the thrill of the surprise at what transforms has been on hold.
HisLordship said this morning that he wanted to step things up a bit. I was actually surprised to find myself hesitating emotionally, rather than leaping at the promise of more. I suppose I have slipped into one of the ebbs and have grown accustomed to how that feels. I will openly admit that some of my passion for things has dropped and I think that it is time to swim back into the deeper water, even if it means struggling against the current until I am back in the flow. It is time to let things surprise me again and to see how that unfolds.