I have been quiet here lately. I guess there are a variety of reason for that. Not only do I seem to be still busy at work but also at home, as is the impact of a new puppy on family life. It is more the ideas though – they don’t come. We still feel that we are close, HL and I, but some of the intensity and passion has faded, as it does sometimes. Time apart could be one of the contributors with first me being away and now him. And the puppy has changed our routine if we are looking for excuses. But really those are what they are. And the fault is our communication, or lack of it.
We still talk a lot of course. We share information all the time but that is not the same. Not the same at all as the deep conversations where we are the focus. This sort of communication, the good sort, helps everything else to knit together. It helps to form the layers that provide the depth to the connection and without it, the actions will just sit, floating around on the surface. And we add to that by communicating on the surface, engaging on the surface, and when it is gone, when the layers are not there, we pretty much float on the surface like the relationships we thought we had left behind. Still nice, still caring so nothing bad, but not with the level of intimacy and intensity we have grown used to so it feels like something is missing.
With our D/s, behind the action has to be communication of the feelings, the thoughts, the plans that were part of it. What will make it part of the power exchange otherwise? It will become just something you did which sits in isolation, and that is partly where we have found ourselves. It is usually the acts themselves, which show it most blatantly when the layers have fallen away. When the meaning is gone, the response is not as deep as it would be otherwise. Usually these act are physical in nature. I find that I don’t crave it the same, or I don’t respond to it the same, or it just doesn’t have the same impact. HL finds that they don’t go as he expected, or he doesn’t see the reaction from me that he anticipated or that he loses motivation for them.
This is not somewhere we have arrived at as a destination I don’t think. More it is a place that we pass through from time to time. It leads us to question and ask what happened to the D/s. Where did it go? Are we still ‘doing it’. We look at the actions and they are still there but they don’t feel the same. They appear more as random kinky acts than they do as a key part of a power exchange. It is almost as if everything looks the same on the surface and that is because it is. What has changed is what happens underneath. Somewhere along the way we have stopped taking the time to make the actions have meaning. We have stopped explaining to each other why we are doing what we are doing and how that makes us feel.
At this point I will usually find it difficult to write. The ideas dry up and I don’t have the depth for my writing. I don’t feel things the same way and we don’t spark off each other as much as before. We have slipped somehow from the centre, from being the focus and other things have taken our attention, whether we want them to or not. I think that personally I will retreat a little inside my head. Living life more in isolation than when everything is there on a page to be read by anyone who is interested. It becomes private, my own private thought and response and I interpret it in the way that seems to fit best. I share what I need to share rather than what I could share. I become efficient with my emotion rather than feeling like it is spilling out of me – essentially, I suppose, I am taking back some of the control of my own feelings.
This is not a place I like to be. Sometimes we are able to get things back quickly with a reset and an injection of communication, but others, especially when we are apart, it can take longer to get that reestablished and ramp things back up again. One of the key things is to recognise it is happening, for only then can we begin to fix it. So the talking, the relevant, important talking about us things has begun again, and here I find my interest in all other things D/s connected, start to return. In writing, in loving, in living. I feel more able to give, and that feeling like I want to give it all, that energy, begins to return.
So I hope we have passed through that place for now and are back on our journey forwards again. I hope to wave at this place and flash my knickers at it as we leave the station with the new release of spirit I know will return as things right themselves again. I am ready to feel naughty and sexy and alive as it all comes back and for that to show in this part of my life in as many ways as my quietness has shown. Hopefully I will be back to writing and reading and engaging more again and will be full of ideas and new projects, for I have missed that.