Being Vulnerable

Being Vulerable (2)
This week has not gone well and I am feeling very vulnerable at the moment. I have been dealing with a situation at work where I have become highly emotionally invested. I wrote about this in When missy came to work and then again in Square pegs, round holes and submission; the whole situation has consumed a part of me for quite a while now. This shouldn’t happen of course, work is just work, but when your job is about people and about protecting them, then it isn’t always as easy as that. Sometimes you get something ongoing which breaks through and this has been one of those times. I have invested not just a lot of time, but a huge amount of emotion into it so when it all literally blew up in my face this week it was hard.
When I write about vulnerability, I usually see that as a positive thing. It is about exposing myself and my feelings to HisLordship and being open and honest with him. It is positive because I trust him to protect me and to look after me, which he does. It feels like a safe sort of vulnerability. It feels like I have shown him the real me, the me who is stripped bare before him and he has seen that and shown me his love and acceptance in exchange. I have grown used to this and view it as a positive counterpart to my strength. I have got better at managing those two sides so that they compliment and work together. Occasionally there will be a clash or a crossover but usually it seems to work very well.
This week I was the other vulnerable – the bad one, the one where it is out there, the one where you aren’t actually safe. The definition of vulnerable is: exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed physically or emotionally.  This was not only a physical threat, but had an emotional edge to it too as the very person I have tried so hard to protect was now the one who was threatening me, so that meant that the emotional combined with the physical, in a situation where there was no safety for me. That pretty much overwhelmed me afterwards. I held it together for the time that I had to and tried not to show outwardly how I felt.
This is where it gets complicated I think and the two different vulnerabilities play out in different ways. I was physically vulnerable but didn’t show it. I was emotionally hurt and was able to hide that also. I am quite a calm person so remained like that and on the outside that is what people saw. I focussed not on how I felt but on what I had to do and it seemed to work to minimise things. The closer I got to home, the more it all fell away, the weaker I became and the less easily I hid how I felt. I opened our front door, walked into the house and threw myself at Sir. He just held me very tightly and told me that I was safe.
The safe vulnerability was back. I didn’t have to hide or pretend or be strong. He would look after me and I could lean on his strength and I just let go. We spoke about what had happened and I knew that he was angry about it but he didn’t focus on that. He made it clear that it was unacceptable for me to have been put in that position so I knew that I had his support but he focussed not on those things. He concentrated on helping me work through what I was feeling. This undoubtedly ruined his night and probably the rest of the week but he adapted and let me lean in him.
I suppose what I am saying is that the vulnerability I have with him allowed me to let him help me through a situation where I had really been in danger, or at least to deal with the emotional aftermath. It seems odd that the thing that makes you weak can actually make you stronger too but that is exactly how it felt. Through that vulnerability I was able to find the strength I needed to continue to appear strong to, and for, everyone else. We cannot always protect ourselves and niether can we count on others to do it for us. Sometimes, through no fault of our own we are placed in situations where the threat and the risk is high.
It hurts to have invested so much only to have the tables turned on me but it has been a good reminder of why it is important to focus on the relationships that really matter. Sometimes it seems that everyone wants a piece of you and I have to remind myself to make sure it is only ever a piece. My nature is one where I try to give more and become caught up in it all but really that is why I need this dynamic. I need to give myself somewhere it is safe for me to do so. I need to know that someone else has my back and will be a check over the way I try to throw myself into things. I need someone there to remind me that not all fights are mine and not all fights are worth my time. I need someone to draw the line for me when I keep moving with the shifting goal posts.
I love to be stripped bare and for Sir to see who I really am. Showing him my vulnerability is not a risk, in fact it leads to the closest connection that can be felt to another person.  It remains a positive and something which I will continue to do. He is my strength and I know that he will protect me. No one person can ever change the things that will happen in life but they can change how you deal with and manage them, and that is what being vulnerable with him gives me. I have come to see vulnerability not as a weakness but as a strength, as it binds us and allows us to be more intimately entwined.

Posted in Submissive Journal.

14 Comments

  1. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this but happy and relieved it appears to be over. Glad you found strength and solace in Hislordship’s arms … Big hugs from me too ❤️

  2. You have shown intelligence, common sense, and a level head throughout your blog. And no doubt use these attributes in your job. And, as one who has been in positions where lives were at risk daily, I know that those attributes are the best weapons you can have.
    It is equally good to have someone like HL there to ease the burden when necessary. Continue to trust in your abilities and training, along with his love and additional strength, and you will come thru this stronger then you may think at the moment. Like the disabilities I came out of the military with; they didn’t make me weaker they made me stronger.
    Kat and I wish you the best…and we believe in you. Good luck! — AJT

    • Thank you so much. I think it is good to question yourself as I suppose you can learn from the situations you find yourself in but I can dwell on things too long sometimes and that becomes unhealthy. I will try to look at things in a positive way as you suggest 😊

  3. Having been in similar situations due to my work I could very much empathize. Especially when you said you had to hold it together at work and could truly let it all out home.
    I’m so glad you’re ok! The week is over and next one will be better. Xo

    • Thanks SG. I feel angry that I was put in a position where my safety was compromised like that but it is not the usual so hopefully it won’t happen again. I think your job is much tougher in that sense 😊

  4. Oh Missy. I am so sorry you had such a rough time. And yet I am so glad you have HL there to help you through it. You are a strong, wise woman, even in moments of vulnerability and stress.

  5. I read this with growing anger! Knowing what I do about you and your job, knowing your job as I do, I am incensed that things got to that point and no one was there to stop things or protect you. Unfortunately despite our own level of expertise and commitment, not all of our colleagues will mirror our dedication or courage. You deserve better from your job. HL demonstrated all the right qualities in how he supported you.

    • Aww thank you. That is really kind of you. Sometimes the important decisions seem to be taken by those who are completely removed from the situation which I think causes a lot of the issue as they are not decisions we would agree with.

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