Long term readers of my blog will no doubt read this piece and think to themselves, ah yes – the end of term post. I have avoided writing it for that reason (predictability can become a bore) and have tried to focus on other things instead. But in the end it is all still whizzing around my head and I often use my writing to get things out rather keeping them in, so I have succumbed and here goes. It has been a hard term but the main thing that has been a struggle for me has been the fight. I have felt a continual need to don my armour and go to battle one way or another on and off all term, and this has had an impact on me and on my submission.
I had the high of Eroticon as a focus on the other part of me of me of course. That was a welcome break and caused a little internal struggle as I transitioned reluctantly back. But back I was, quite quickly in fact and there I was spending my emotional energy and channelling my passion on things at work rather than things at home. Part of this is good – it means that things at home have been settled and safe and I haven’t had to worry about them, but it also means that there has been less left over for HisLordship. Well less of the good stuff at least. I have been weaker at home and more vulnerable and more needy. I know that I haven’t been as proactive or as attentive or as thoughtful as I should have been.
Fighting the system takes a lot of energy and that is what I have felt I have had to do. It becomes highly personal for me to the point that it is rolling around in my brain long after I have left work. I wake up thinking about it and go to sleep thinking about it. I talk about it and I rant about it as I go about processing it and trying to work out what strategy to employ next. When this is directly about a pupil, my ideas and suggestions are helping them so it is much more rewarding, but when it becomes about me fighting their case in a system that seems not to want to help, it feels far less gratifying and much more frustrating.
I suppose the way I see it, society is made for a certain type. We have to be careful not to say that on paper of course, but in reality that is still the way that it often works. Society, on the whole, looks for round pegs to fit the round holes. The world is built for the round pegs. Those perfectly rounded, smoothed-off pegs look at the holes and think, YAY. My hole. Let me jump right in there and make myself, comfortable. They look around at all the other pegs who wave happily back at them and the world makes sense. It feels good. It feels right. It feels like anything is possible and it feels like if you try hard, you have a fairly good shot at getting what you want.
Then there are the second group. They are round enough to squeeze in to the hole but it feels a bit too tight. They wonder are they too big for the hole or is this hole just a bit too small for them? They look around and see everyone else happy in their hole and wonder what is wrong with them. They may even try a different hole. This time it may be too big rather than too small so it is loose and they wobble around a bit rather than feeling squished. It’s not really any better but they can pretend a little and hide a little and try to fit in that way. They try to change themselves to fit the hole and they have some degree of success with that.
There is another group. The square pegs. These pegs can’t fit in. They do try. They try to hide themselves, maybe focus on reshaping themselves but it never really works. If you are made for a square hole, then a round hole just isn’t going to fit. The world knows you are there but they see that you are different. Everything in the round-hole world is made by round pegs for round pegs and it is hard to really know how a square peg feels if you aren’t square. The round pegs say things to you like, “Can’t you just try to be rounder?” or “Do this and pretend to be round and in the end you will feel round and it will be ok.” Or some might even rather cruelly say, “You weirdo. Why are you square?”
I am the second type of peg I think. I kind of have a foot in both worlds. I fit but it’s not always an easy fit. I identity with those who are in all three groups and what I really want is for there to be other shapes of hole so that everyone can be comfortable. I have chosen a job where I support all three groups, but most of my time is spent with the square pegs. Because these are only young pegs starting out in the world it makes it worse because I see that slowly things are changing but it isn’t fast enough for them. In school the second group are able to be more easily accommodated but the square pegs are still hard to help.
It breaks my heart and the struggle of trying to make people see, and change to accommodate those who don’t fit, exhausts me. To make a different shape of hole is not easy. It takes more resources and more specialist help because you are doing something different. It costs more money and that is a huge stumbling block. We live in a world where we can’t just say no. People have rights, after all, and this is the 21st century – it might be illegal to just say that you can’t help because they are the wrong shape! But instead of making the right shape of hole it seems to be more about trying to make them fit what is there, even though you know it won’t work.
For me that is hugely difficult to swallow. These aren’t just pegs. They have names. I like them and they like me back and they make me smile and I learn huge amounts from them. I see their value and the potential that has been hidden away and it makes me sad and crazy and it makes me wake up in the middle of the night with plans about what I can do next to try to change the situation for them. I think that in small ways my belief makes a difference but sometimes it is just not enough. It can’t always make the action happen and as a small cog in a giant machine I am easily pushed aside, or drowned out or ignored.
People laugh about the holidays that teachers get but I do really need that time to recharge. I feel like a wrung our rag at the moment and I don’t have the head space or the heart or the fight to keep going much longer. I crawl home back where I am safe and I can curl up and just be small. Tiny. Minuscule. I have to be the big person at work but not at home. I can be weak and needy and I need that. So my submission is there but it changes face. The sexy submissive who comes out other times is replaced by someone far more in need of care.
I am increasingly struck by the fact that there is a familiarity about other D/s couples I come across. The submissives are often women with big personalities and big jobs and big responsibilities. They do things that are important to them and often to others and they shine. I am find myself in awe of them. They are usually with men who you wouldn’t necessarily identify as Dominants at first glance. This goes for the subs also of course as they certainly don’t fit the stereotype. The men are often quieter. They support their women in a gentlemanly way rather than in an overtly dominant way which is why you may overlook their strength. But as you look more closely you see that they are what allows these women to be as they are and do what they do. It is only because of them that any of this happens. They are the safety. They are the home. They are the strength.
I have always said that D/s is about balance. It is about working together so that both your strengths are utilised. It is a way of making more of each other, because you are together and that is what really counts. I can be what I need to be for others and come home and collapse into his arms. He doesn’t even need to ask what has happened or what is wrong because at that moment it doesn’t matter. He knows I need him and he is there for me and lets me be. He absorbs my weakness while he protects me from the world and lets me share his strength while he helps me to find my own again.
There is beauty in this and I see it happen with lots of other couples in similar dynamics. It is not obvious to the wider world, but if you know, you can read it in the clues that are there. They see us, I mean really see us. They watch and they wait and they let us do what we need to do. Then when we need help and it is all getting to be too much they step in, just right before the moment we realise that it is about to crumble. They don’t let us give and break. They keep us held together and we owe them everything. It is not a case of being ordered to your knees as many think, it is a case of wanting to be there because it feels like where you belong.
Posted in Submissive Journal.