SEX EDUCATION

This post-Eroticon week has found me wanting to merge the two parts of my life more openly. There is a huge overlap for sure as the real me is there in the background in whatever I do. Despite the overlap, both parts of my life require a different set of skills and a different approach, which I would say is the same for the majority of us. What I do find is that I don’t really want to hide anymore. I feel that who I am and the experience I have actually adds to the work that I do and it is a pity that I can’t share that. I also feel that it would be good if the world was made to be more accepting of lifestyles like mine and to see the value in what those like me actually have to offer.

In school, this time of year is the part of our curriculum which is dedicated to sexual health and relationships education.  We follow a national programme and it is pretty open compared to the sorts of things that we covered when I was in school: I can remember crowding around the video player for the original version of ‘Living and Growing’ where we saw a baby being born but nothing like the chat that we have now. We look at the physical, the emotional and the social aspects, and cover everything from puberty, to consent, to how to communicate what you want. The emphasis is on respect and knowing that you have the right to be treated in a respectful way and the responsibility to do the same for others.

Having chatted to people from other parts of the world, I know that what I cover in class way exceeds some of what is touched upon in other schools. While in the car on the way to catch our flight last Friday we were listening to the Jeremy Vine show on the radio and the discussion was about what should be taught in schools, and what should be the responsibility of parents. I found myself shouting at the radio as the opinions were shared, and the misconceptions and misunderstandings were perpetuated. It was as much as I could do to stop myself from phoning in, but having slipped away from school early to attend an erotic writer’s conference, I was worried that my cover would be blown and I could become exposed as a kinky submissive secondary teacher, delivering sex ed.

One of the things that made me mad was the way that they talked about this part of the curriculum in isolation to the rest. I end up teaching about relationships in some form or other most days. I often am asked questions about sex, or puberty, and the fact that a huge focus is on making good decisions and knowing where to go for accurate information and support means that it cannot be taught in isolation; sexual behaviour comes into lots of other topics too such as drugs, alcohol, social media, resilience, self-esteem …………  And that is without considering that when I am not teaching I am responsible for the pastoral well-being of the 250 teenagers in my care, so when it has gone wrong, it is often me who is there trying to help them to sort things out in a way which will minimise the impact on them.

I guess as some would see it, my hobby is sex. And now that I come to think about it, it probably is. I choose to live a lifestyle where sex is a huge focus. Clearly not everything we do is about sex, but for us the power exchange which is central to our Dominant/submissive dynamic means that there is a sexual charge about a lot of the things that go on, even if the actions themselves would not appear sexual to anyone else. In addition we spend a lot of time thinking and talking openly and honestly about our fantasies, the things we would like to try, and the ways in which we want to push each other across some of the boundaries that we might have in a more conventional relationship.

Obviously, for us, it doesn’t end there. We both have our blogs which mean that we are thinking and writing about sex and relationships on a regular basis. This leads to discussion, not just with each other but also with followers who will leave comments. We read other blogs and we will comment on what we have read in the same way, often discussing things that we have seen.  I am constantly learning new things, processing new information and drawing new conclusions about aspects of sex and relationships. I have an active twitter account where I can connect with other like-minded people, and so the circle of people I converse with, and the knowledge I gain, grows from that too.

It has always been important to HisLordship and I to have people to talk to as we find a huge support in that. Each week we host chats and discussions on aspects of D/s relationships and BDSM play at The SafeworD/s Club, so most of our free time is spent sharing information and ideas with other kinky people in one way or another. A further sign of our interest is illustrated by the fact that the last two times we have been away together have been ‘sex’ related: one to Torture Garden with friends and the other to attend Eroticon. So put down in black and white like that, I would say that sex, and stuff to do with sex, is actually a huge part of who I am (in private).

Although I know that the powers that be would balk at the thought that ‘someone like me’ would be delivering sex education to the youth of today, I actually think that they are looking at it the wrong way round. I know loads about sex. I have healthy opinions and attitudes about body positivity and a realistic understanding of the different things that people like. I know about bodies and how to make them feel good. I know about how it feels to be frightened to express yourself for being judged negatively for the things that you enjoy. I know how different we all are and that we change the things that we like as we grow. And most importantly, I know what makes a good and healthy relationship.

I talk openly with my pupils about sex. I encourage them to get to know themselves and their own bodies. I try to demystify the areas of sexuality and gender and to promote positive acceptance of others. I model good open communication around the topics that others find awkward, in the hope that they will be able to apply this themselves. At the end of each lesson they write questions anonymously (this is often hilarious) and I will answer them the following week. I am highly professional about what I do and am clear about the need for safety and consent. I stress what the laws are surrounding sexual activity and make them aware of the risks, physical, emotional and social.

So really, I think that to have a kinky submissive sex blogger teaching sex education to the youth of the day is a positive. I think that my other self actually qualifies me in a way which is a benefit and not a disadvantage. I use what I know to inform my lessons, and clearly don’t talk about my own experience in any form at all. I am not there to teach them how to have sex – they will find that out themselves and I am sure that it will be an ever changing and organic thing for them as it has been for me. What I am there to do is to educate them about sexual health and relationships and that is a very different thing.

I hope that I am helping in a very small way to make sure that the next generation is better equipped for relationships than I was. That they know where to find good information and where to get support. That they can speak to others and keep themselves safe. That they can see sex as something good rather than something dirty that shouldn’t be discussed. And that they can grow up to be adults who are more accepting and less judgemental than those who have gone before them. Who knows, maybe if I had been taught by me it wouldn’t have taken until I reached my forties to find words for those deep dark thoughts I could never explain, and work out that I was a kinky submissive.