I think I have a bit of sub drop today. I don’t think I have had this after an event before but today going back to work was really hard. This weekend I felt caught up in another world and now the transition back to reality has been tough. Where I jumped willingly into the weekend both feet first, I feel that I am being dragged back into the week almost against my will. Feeling free, feeling alive, feeling inspired and being part of something exciting has pushed me up to a place where I feel that I don’t want to come down. I love my other life, but today it has felt a bit grey against the backdrop of the colour that I experienced the past few days.
I know that sub drop is more often used to describe the come down from the endorphin rush of play which leads to subspace, and that does cause a drop for me too, but I have explained before (The SafeworD/s Club – sub drop) that it can also come from the withdrawing from time spent living the lifestyle I choose in a more complete way than I usually can. I feel it after extended periods of time on my own with HisLordship, and I feel it when I have been able to immerse myself into submissive head space for an extended period and today I am feeling it after being able to be missy the submissive, the blogger, and the person for an extended period.
I don’t often get the chance to engage fully with this. Usually I will be chatting online or writing a post whilst at the same time being required to dip in and dip out of my other roles. I have adjusted to this and am able to manage it and make the transitions much better than I was at the start, so that most of the time I have a sort of shoe half in and a shoe half out for much of the day. I will confess this leads to problems as any compromise does; compromise on the energy and you usually compromise on the output in line with that. Even a master at working efficiently will likely feel the deficit in the end.
And so to indulge in the person I see myself as being at full capacity for a longer period was delightful. In fact, it was quite consuming and without even noticing or feeling it, I slipped easily to a place where I was comfortable and didn’t want to return from. I let go of a lot of the control that my life makes me hold on to and this changed not just my responses but my thoughts and my outlook as well. It makes me wonder what would happen if I was here more often as I know that to-hell-with-it approach was already showing and making me consider taking risks I usually wouldn’t take.
Going back to work and having to pretend that I mooched around Camden market at the weekend was not what I wanted to do. I wanted to be honest about where I had been, what I had done and how that made me feel, rather than donning the cloak of vanilla once again in order to keep my livelihood. It makes me feel angry that the world is not ready to accept the things I do in light of the things I do. I envy those who have managed to create more of a balance where the two sides can exist comfortably and I feel it is unfair that I would risk my job if my other life were discovered.
The loss felt through this sort of sub drop is no less real than the one experienced following the chemical drop. It licks at the raw emotion and tugs at the mood in just the same way and is something that will slowly pull back as things return to normal. Having said that I would not be without the high that brings it about, for that is the life and the place that I aim to reach. It will take time, I know, but as things move slowly on I will get closer to where I want to be and will be there more often. In fact, I think I will probably get to the point where I say to hell with it once and for all and throw off my cloak and throw myself at the wolves, knowing that there is nothing they can take that I still want to keep.