HisLordship and I went off the Torture Garden last night with our good friends and fellow kinksters, kisungura and Cuiplash. We have been before but not for a while so we were really looking forward to it. For those of you who haven’t heard of Torture Garden, it bills itself as being ‘the world’s largest & most famous fetish / body art club.’ They enforce a strict fetish and fantasy dress code, and if ‘you don’t dress up you won’t get in’. Although there is an erotic atmosphere and some designated areas where you can play, the public decency laws in Scotland forbid nudity and sexual acts.
What to wear is often a huge issue for me and I can over think and stress until it really becomes a block to what I am doing. I know – part of project letting go! Anyway while being comfortable with many styles which would fall under the fetish and fantasy dress code, I am not into any one particular style, so this left it really open. In the end (more because inspiration and time ran out), I settled on a sort of vaguely burlesque circus sort of look. However, there was a bit of a crisis on Friday when the red hot pants I had ordered arrived, and were not as I had hoped.
Having had a mini meltdown (I am hoping the use of the adjective and alliteration presents it as being cuter than it really was) the night before, I awoke on Saturday morning feeling there was only one thing to do. Assume a submissive mindset. My anxiety had forced me out of this into a state where I was focussed very much on my own needs and issues and this meant that I was unable to approach the situation in a rational way. If I was able to think in a submissive way, then I didn’t really have to think. I just had to do. So that is what I did. I handed over to Sir who made all the decisions from there and stopped working against him and tried to work with him.
HisLordship was hesitant as I had made my feelings clear the previous evening, and I could see in the morning that he was conflicted as to whether or not he should keep pushing or whether he was pushing me too far. I considered falling to my knees and sitting at his feet to await further instruction right there in the kitchen, but as it happened that was not needed in the end. He said that we would go and find a pair of knickers that worked with what I had on our way to the event, and that is what we did. I knew that the likelihood of a nice pair of frilly burlesque pants at this late stage was zero to never, but we were able to find something that I hoped would be okay.
This proved what I have thought for a long time, that I actually stop myself from growing as a submissive, and as a person, and that I need Sir to push me through this so that I can become a better version of myself. It isn’t easy as there are so many layers to work through, but being aware of it makes it much easier for both of us. Being submissive may seem hard in that you have to do things which push you out of your comfort zone, but actually if you can focus on following instructions, and try not to think outside of that, it makes things much easier in a number of ways.
In the past I have led myself into so many no win situations. I end up having to make a decision about whether to do something where I think I may be self-conscious and let people down, or pull out of it and let people down. By people, the person most often affected is Sir although there can be others. Adopting this submissive head space meant that the responsibility was no longer mine and therefore there wasn’t the same guilt and the same need to work over and over the outcome, rather than putting it behind me and moving on. It meant that I could approach it in the same way that I do so many of the other day to day things, where I allow my submission to influence my thinking rather than allowing my thinking to influence my submission.
This may seem obvious and something that you would expect a submissive starting out to say, rather than someone who has been at this for a while. I suppose this is because our D/s is growing and we are reaching points where previously we have stopped, and now we are looking at why we stop. I hope that Sir has gained the confidence to continue to push me further than he has before. I have been asking for that for a while, as I know that is what I need, but at the same time my behaviour has been blocking this very thing and the result has been that, in trying to meet my needs, he has backed off. I think that now he sees that I really do need him to take more control, and that even where I seem to be fighting it, I need him to challenge me.