Body Image - picture of woman with tape measure skirt

Body Image

measureI have been quite overwhelmed by the response to the recent pictures that I have posted here. I know that people are usually kind but it really has made me think about the body image issues that I have. In some ways I feel bad about it. I know that I my loathing of certain parts of my body doesn’t tie in with the way others view it. It is in my head though and that is my issue. I just don’t see myself as others do and it takes a great effort to be able to deal with the emotions connected to that.

In a way I don’t have unrealistic views. I can see reality clearly and know that at 48 years old I will not have the body of an 18 year old and cannot aspire to that. In reality when I did have the body of an 18 year old, I still had issues with it which were probably larger in a lot of ways than they are now. Knowing and seeing does not always mean that you can change your emotional response though and that is where I find it hard. I wonder if I need to fake it to make it. So if I pretend to be really cool with myself maybe I will start to feel like that.

Going to different places and meeting different people brings out quite a lot of anxiety in me. This is something that I think has got worse with age as I have come to the conclusion that I am not very good at socialising. The root of this is a feeling of being self conscious so when I do get chatting and have something to connect with, I actually really enjoy myself. What I am not great at is going up to people and initiating. It helps me if I can feel good about myself as feeling self conscious means that I hang back and struggle to let go, which has been the focus of some of my recent posts.

We are off to Torture Garden next weekend with friends and I don’t want to admit how many outfit ideas I have been through, how many hours I have spent in trying to decide on what to wear, or how many items I have ordered, only to discover that they look different than the picture I had in my mind’s eye. Having acknowledged my control issues, I now can see exactly what I was talking about playing out here and now. I am even overthinking overthinking if such a thing is possible.

In some ways I long for the nature that would make me the ideal slave as that would certainly help with this part of my life. What I need is for HisLordship to tell me what I am wearing and to accept that and be proud and happy just to do that, but unfortunately I am a long way from there and am not sure that he is ready for the type of fall out such complete catharsis would provoke. Melt down on the dance floor?

It is interesting that I told myself in the past that I had dealt with some of my issues when in actual fact, I had just found ways to manage them, rather than ways to deal with them head on. Submission is exposing. It makes you vulnerable and puts you under a spotlight and there is not always anywhere to hide. I see that as a huge opportunity for personal growth and hope that it will lead to a better version of me, as that will be better for him and for us, but it is not the easy route to take.

In taking my baby steps forward, I have removed some of my defences and revealed some of the things that I had pushed away previously. I am in a bit of turmoil about this as I feel worse now than I did before. I feel much less balanced now that I have had to acknowledge that my views are irrational. I have received numerous positive comments about the pictures that I posted. I have been told that I look sexy in the outfits I selected for the club next weekend. But these are things that I can hear but I cannot feel. I don’t see it that way and am plagued by doubts and by negative thoughts.

I see what I want so clearly up ahead and it looks like it is really worth working towards so I want to keep on going but it is a battle that I don’t know if I can win. I don’t know if I can unpick what has been for so long and change the way that I feel. What I do know is that I want to try. I want to see if I can reverse some of the psychology and hope that by challenging myself and working through what that makes me feel, I can turn some of my acceptance to action.

Posted in Submissive Journal.

32 Comments

  1. “I don’t know if I can unpick what has been for so long and change the way that I feel.”
    A Ray of hope for you, I have done that. Persistence is key, finding a mantra that works for YOU (mine was “no-one will think as badly of me as I do so I should just do/wear/say it anyway”) and sticking with it.
    Have an amazing time at Torture Garden, one day I’ll make it up for that 🙂

    • That is so good to know. I will have a think about a mantra. If I can get past it affecting my behaviour it will be a huge help. Thank you 🙂

  2. My Queen is so harsh on herself. I try to be positive and counteract her negativity but she says I am biased. And I am, but I also know everyone else thinks the same as me. I think even the most beautiful women on the world probably feel this way at least some of the time. So all I can say is, my comments to you are honest. And I hope you can come to terms with your own beauty. I also think his lordship should tell you what to wear to the Torture Garden because at least one of you should be happy—and I know he’ll pick something you look stunning in.

  3. I’m older than you by 10 years + and have recently come to the realization that my biggest problem with not being able to submit fully has to do with my self-loathing. I haven’t posted in a very long time but I was just about to write on this very subject. I do empathize with what you wrote, and hope you can find ways to know your partner/Master is always there loving and supporting you no matter what you wear, how you look or think you look, and despite all your fears and worries. It’s a very difficult concept and one I too need to accept.

    • This is so reassuring to read. I feel that my desire to submit should be enough to allow me to do it properly but the hardwiring is so hard to reverse. I have a plethora of strategies designed to protect me and, to be honest, they have served me pretty well as a defence. Although I feel in a bit of a dilemma, I am grateful that the self reflection has brought me to this point and that I have the support to be able to try to address it. I look forward to reading your post and thank you for your comment 😊

      • This is my suggestion but it had a disclaimer of course. It is a somewhat generalized one based on lack of specific knowledge so please use it as an outline of one possible way.
        Sounds as if you both are open to attending and you appreciate his lead. I also understand the general concept regarding body image. (Though I typically wouldn’t comment on such, I will allow that I think you look far better in that shot than I would. At a minimum you have that going for you so be proud!) Now, on to the advice which I will aim primarily for his consideration.
        Go. Have her dress in a way that is to YOUR taste but yet reasonable. Have her wear layers if you will. Make sure that your steady presence is known to her. Keep her in her mindset. Based on what you see, have her slowly remove items over the course of the evening. Monitor her closely. If/when titillation turns to fear (or other) pause or stop. Keep it positive and, most importantly, under YOUR control.
        This is an act of submission. Pleasing/following the leader is important here. Keeping that theme for the evening will keep you on the track you need to be on. If it becomes about the room, bring it back to the personal level.
        Make sense? Have questions? More detail or advice can be given if desired.

      • Ok, WP decided that I was done with my prior reply and sent it.
        Ma’am, see this as following him. Don’t let thoughts of the room around you distract you from concentrating on him. Never, ever let your advantage out of your mind. What others see is his and his alone. He seems very fond of what he has. Enjoy that and use that. Make him want to leave early so he can be what they can only imagine, your’s!

  4. Baby steps, build your confidence in yourself, you will grown to love parts of yourself slowly.
    What is this torture garden thing your going too ?
    Sounds interesting. Xxxxxx

    • It is a touring fetish club. Mostly in London but some in Edinburgh and also a few in Europe. There is an enforced dress code and there is music etc and some play areas. It’s fetish rather than specifically D/s but is a fun night out.

    • Which naturist camps do you recommend, we went to our first last year, going again this yearbut anytime anyone says they go, we ask if they recommend anywhere.
      We are quite quiet, dont want big sites with loads of nightlife, but if you can let me know that would be great, uk and abroard. Thanks xxxxxx

  5. “It is interesting that I told myself in the past that I had dealt with some of my issues when in actual fact, I had just found ways to manage them, rather than ways to deal with them head on. Submission is exposing. It makes you vulnerable and puts you under a spotlight and there is not always anywhere to hide. I see that as a huge opportunity for personal growth and hope that it will lead to a better version of me, as that will be better for him and for us, but it is not the easy route to take.”
    Me, too. I’m not sure my body issues will ever go away, but I’m hoping I can continue to learn to manage them in ways that are healthy. It’s certainly not easy ans i fail miserably aquite often. And you are so right about being so vulerable and exposed, which feels even more so when that transfers to a public arena. It’s scary, but also exhilerating, in my experience. It is an opportunity to follow in ways that aren’t possible at home, and that is so freeing. When I get out of my head! When I focus on the following and allwoing myself to let go of everyting else and enjoy that. When I stop comparing my body to everyone else in the room, which is the hardest part to me. It’s what I’ve always done. I’m a curvy girl, size 14 (used to be a 24). I sag in numerous places and jiggle all over. But this body is mine, and I feel good when I do my best to take care of it. M loves it; I see the way he looks at it. I know nothing else should matter, and I’m trying very hard to always keep that inthe forefront!

    • It sounds like you are doing really well and making great progress with combatting your issues. I hope that I can do as well as you, but even some progress will be good. Thank you for your honesty 😊

  6. Pingback: Body Image, Beauty and Balance – submissy

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