I have been quite overwhelmed by the response to the recent pictures that I have posted here. I know that people are usually kind but it really has made me think about the issues that I have. In some ways I feel bad about it. I know that I my loathing of certain parts of my body doesn’t tie in with the way others view it. It is in my head though and that is my issue. I just don’t see myself as others do and it takes a great effort to be able to deal with the emotions connected to that.
In a way I don’t have unrealistic views. I can see reality clearly and know that at 48 years old I will not have the body of an 18 year old and cannot aspire to that. In reality when I did have the body of an 18 year old, I still had issues with it which were probably larger in a lot of ways than they are now. Knowing and seeing does not always mean that you can change your emotional response though and that is where I find it hard. I wonder if I need to fake it to make it. So if I pretend to be really cool with myself maybe I will start to feel like that.
Going to different places and meeting different people brings out quite a lot of anxiety in me. This is something that I think has got worse with age as I have come to the conclusion that I am not very good at socialising. The root of this is a feeling of being self conscious so when I do get chatting and have something to connect with, I actually really enjoy myself. What I am not great at is going up to people and initiating. It helps me if I can feel good about myself as feeling self conscious means that I hang back and struggle to let go, which has been the focus of some of my recent posts.
We are off to Torture Garden next weekend with friends and I don’t want to admit how many outfit ideas I have been through, how many hours I have spent in trying to decide on what to wear, or how many items I have ordered, only to discover that they look different than the picture I had in my mind’s eye. Having acknowledged my control issues, I now can see exactly what I was talking about playing out here and now. I am even overthinking overthinking if such a thing is possible.
In some ways I long for the nature that would make me the ideal slave as that would certainly help with this part of my life. What I need is for HisLordship to tell me what I am wearing and to accept that and be proud and happy just to do that, but unfortunately I am a long way from there and am not sure that he is ready for the type of fall out such complete catharsis would provoke. Melt down on the dance floor?
It is interesting that I told myself in the past that I had dealt with some of my issues when in actual fact, I had just found ways to manage them, rather than ways to deal with them head on. Submission is exposing. It makes you vulnerable and puts you under a spotlight and there is not always anywhere to hide. I see that as a huge opportunity for personal growth and hope that it will lead to a better version of me, as that will be better for him and for us, but it is not the easy route to take.
In taking my baby steps forward, I have removed some of my defences and revealed some of the things that I had pushed away previously. I am in a bit of turmoil about this as I feel worse now than I did before. I feel much less balanced now that I have had to acknowledge that my views are irrational. I have received numerous positive comments about the pictures that I posted. I have been told that I look sexy in the outfits I selected for the club next weekend. But these are things that I can hear but I cannot feel. I don’t see it that way and am plagued by doubts and by negative thoughts.
I see what I want so clearly up ahead and it looks like it is really worth working towards so I want to keep on going but it is a battle that I don’t know if I can win. I don’t know if I can unpick what has been for so long and change the way that I feel. What I do know is that I want to try. I want to see if I can reverse some of the psychology and hope that by challenging myself and working through what that makes me feel, I can turn some of my acceptance to action.