I wrote the title for this post back on the 8th of November. It came from a question that furcissy asked me about the type of submissive HisLordship wanted. I asked Sir the question, thinking that I could write the post but the conversation didn’t really go as anticipated. It wasn’t something he had thought about and therefore wasn’t able to give me an answer. This set me into a bit of a spin as I wasn’t sure how to be what he wanted and strive to be a better submissive for him if he couldn’t tell me what that would look like.
Hence began a period of reflection and a bit of a turn around from me. I think that previously I had tried to push the way I saw myself being. I had set expectations for myself, and unknowingly, therefore, expectations for him. For me to be the type of submissive he wanted, I would need to fit with the type of Dominant that he was. This all coincided with a time that Sir was struggling to connect with some aspects of his Dominance. I had tried to encourage him through my own submission but I realised at this point that this was not really going to work.
So I backed off. Well that is I backed off as much as I ever back off from anything. Really I suppose that I took some of the focus and pressure off and tried just to be more relaxed with things. In the past if I felt that things were slipping I got panicked. I worried that we would never recover them and that made me feel a loss. These were natural concerns as I have seen many married couples, who I have thought were like us, suddenly slip from view and disappear without a trace. Equally well, I have seen others surf the ebbs and flows, sometimes dipping from sight but often popping up again with a renewed sense of vitality and direction.
I think that I felt secure enough in us and in what we have to feel that we would be the latter and not the former. No real sense of fear, no real sense of loss, more of a resignation and a feeling of security that everything would be okay. In fact, the strength that I found in November, which kept me grounded while he was working away most of December, was also the strength that I drew on to be steadfast in my determination not to push, not to try to shape or steer, but to just bob along next to him, wherever that was going to be. And so it was, we bobbed. And bobbed and bobbed. We didn’t really go anywhere other than stay afloat, treading water where we were.
There were times that I discouraged the old solutions he offered, for these were things that I had suggested, and I felt that they weren’t going to work this time. I knew that I had to wait until he felt it. Until he owned it. Until it came from him because it was what he wanted and needed and not because he thought it was what I expected. The resets of old had become a bit of a habit. There was a pattern to them and while useful and positive as a strategy, the had become just a reset for us. They were keeping us where we were, on a bit of a loop, and not allowing us to move forward together. We didn’t need to reset to where we were, we needed to spark a real change.
I think that there is another element to this and that is that sometimes things happen in life which challenge us. If this happens and becomes a long term way of life then it can alter the path that you were on. For this reason I think that we needed to shift our path a bit. They way it had worked for us so well before, wasn’t going to work the same now and so we had to stop trying to get back to where we were and move on to something new. And that had to come from HisLordship and it would have to happen in his own time. When he felt it, when he saw it and when he was ready to initiate it, then it would happen.
The patience that has been so difficult for me to find in the past, seemed to come much more naturally to me this time and I think that this tied in with the more positive, less angst-driven thought processes I was having. And so I settled down to wait. I suppose like any good story there are always key incidents; the plot twists and moves in peaks; there is at least one turning point and also a climax. So I wasn’t really worried about the story being over, it was more an acceptance that I didn’t know where abouts in the plot I was, and that was fine. I wasn’t the author of this tale after all.
In my naivety I thought that when it came, it would happen all at once. A clear sign: back on that board and surfing the waves again. But that was still me having expectations, thinking about how I would do it and visualising a key moment of change. As it happens it has been slower. It has not been cautious but it hasn’t been a whirlwind to sweep me off my feet either. It has been HisLordship’s way, in his own time and at his own pace, and it feels really good. In truth, the rush and the push may have been part of the issue before and so to do it more slowly and more securely has worked well for both of us. He is regaining the confidence which was stripped through other events, and I am learning that he is going to be consistent with the things that he does and doesn’t need me to preempt things.
I know that I am not the submissive that I was once, or at least that I was aiming to be once. She was a figment of my imagination and not of his, and that will never work. I feel that what I become now will be far more shaped by him and the direction he wants for us than the way I was in the past. I have often thought that as people we are limited by our own imagination and experience and that is the beauty of a D/s relationship in that you can push your own limits, or at least, have them pushed. I think that I am more responsive to him now than I was before and that is allowing him the space to lead us in the direction that he feels we should go.
The changes in our life have meant that we have explored less of the play than we would have otherwise this past while. Play is often, I think, how others seem to gauge us and measure our growth in D/s and that can also have an effect on how we see our own development. I had felt for a while that we were sort of stuck in that aspect, but now I see that the growth we have had has gone in a different direction and has been more about the relationship than it has about the play. Obviously these two sides are closely connected and in most married relationships they will be melded into each other, but I suppose I see that my growth as a submissive over the past few months, has come from the changes in our relationship rather than from the things we have tried.
I am learning what HisLordship’s ideal view of my submission is, not by being given a rehearsed answer to my question but by watching and listening to the things that he is asking me to do, the expectations he is setting for me and the requests he is making of me. I think that in accepting the way I am, I am able to be more open to the way he wants me to be and to embrace the changes that are part of that. I am no longer trying really hard to ‘do this thing’ and ‘be this person’. I am thinking less about what I am and how I improve and am letting him show me what he wants from me and I am feeling that work for us.
I still can’t answer the question and I am not sure if he can yet either, but I do feel that one day he will be able to say that I am his ideal submissive and will be able to articulate what that means in a way that couldn’t have happened before. We are changing and that feels good. It feels comfortable. There is no frenzy and no forcing. No fear and no sense of failing. There is just a sense that we are moving forward again, perhaps on a different road as that is not yet completely clear. This time I don’t have a map, I am not navigating as he drives. I am just sitting there with the wind blowing through my hair and my sunglasses on, enjoying the ride.
Posted in Submissive Journal.