self consious

So this is sort of a part two to yesterday’s post and came from the discussion with HisLordship following him reading it. He was asking me questions and talking about how the constant discussion and analysis of things at home when I was young had not only led to me having to be very self-controlled but also being acutely self-conscious. I think that this figures for me in terms of feeling that I can’t show what I feel and also stops me from letting go. The expression of how you feel about something or someone was always welcomed and I have no issue with that, but the unconscious expression of your inner feelings through your actions was something which would be noticed and mocked, and therefore these responses had to be controlled.

I don’t think it was meant as being unkind but more as part of a running commentary on how you looked to others. A self-check I guess – they were saving me from certain humiliation elsewhere.  As a child my parents would ask me to play the piano if visitors were there but my sisters would mock any movement that I made. We had developed a simple symbol (or one sound) that said OMG you are SO embarrassing and I would see the pointing finger from the corner of my eye. So instead of allowing myself to feel and move with the music, I learnt to sit there poker still. The result was that I began to be aware of how the wider world saw me and it became essential to control what that perception was. This is something that even now will link to humiliation for me and pushing past it leads to the freedom that is achieved by letting go.

There were lots of messages about how you should be and what was acceptable and what wasn’t and I shaped and modelled myself to conform with that. If you broke away it would lead to being mocked and that would turn to humiliation and shame. In thinking about erotic humiliation I have struck on shades of this as being one of the triggers which will push me over the edge. While as a child in that environment it made me retreat, if it happens in the safety of the D/s relationship that we have now, it creates a strong push towards me falling into a deep submissive mental space. If Sir is able to use that in a way which is anxiety provoking because of the past, but is exciting and safe because he is there to protect me, then he can use it to push me past the point where I would try to control, and I just let go.

I wrote about this in Being nothing in May of last year.  At the time I was fantasising about being able to access this submissive space and escape everything that holds me back and just let go. I wasn’t able to explain it well then but have thought about it since and think that I understand more about what I feel and why, and also what it is that can take me there. I think back then I described it as feeling the need to be broken but I see now it is more that I have to break through the boundaries and limitations that I set for myself: those thoughts and feelings that stop me from giving up the last piece of control.

Looking back on the comments on that previous post I can see that others see this in me much more clearly that I do and it is more obvious than I ever realised. The angst that leaves me caught between doing something that I want to do and the fear of how I will be perceived is the point at which I often hold back. Lurvspanking wrote, ‘The humiliation you reference is obvious to those that call you friend: You want/need/fear being displayed naked to others. You are afraid that when Sir demands that of you, people who see you will either turn away in disgust and loathing or ever worse, laugh at your pretension that you are beautiful.’

I realise that he is right and that I get to the point where I have to let go, and I hold myself back. Interestingly I usually regret this afterwards. I hope that being aware of it will make it easier but recognise that I will still need to be pushed. I think that to achieve the ultimate state that I spoke of wanting in my post I would fight against it so there will need to be no way out. I do trust Sir so I need to let him know that there is no issue with pushing me beyond the point where I start to push back. I see now that being displayed naked was the area that initially presented itself as an issue as that was something that Sir wanted and something that I fought against, but I can identify other areas now where I have done the same thing.

Ultimately being submissive is about trusting and that means trusting him to know where he needs to take me. This cannot be dictated or requested by me. Neither should it be blocked by me as I am prone sometimes to do when I am afraid. I have been around the houses with this for a while, as those of you who read my blog will know, and there have been a number of posts where I have acknowledged that this is something that I do. I think the problem for me is that I do not always recognise when I am doing it. Recently furcissy has challenged me on the fact that I will rationalise and analyse instead of accepting and just doing and he is right which has led me to think about this more.

The way I am stacked means that I see this as part of the healthy assessment of risk – what will work, what won’t work, what could go wrong, what the potential outcomes might be. And this is the part that is not submissive. I am not the leader and this is not my job to do. What I am not sure is whether or not I can switch off that voice and stop it from making itself heard. I will need help with that one.  It will take a determination and reassurance from Sir that he has done the job I am trying to do already, and that his decision is made, is final, and will not be reversed despite my protests or manipulative tricks.

Ultimately to be pushed past my fear of being exposed by being forced to confront the things that I am self conscious about will mean giving up my self-control and that will set me free.  I suppose in writing this post I have sort of begun as I know that I am highlighting some quite unsubmissive traits, but as I see this as a relatively safe environment then it is an easy place to start. I think that Lurvspanking hit it on the head with the fact that more than judgement, I fear people’s disgust or their ridicule that I am not what I think or present myself to be. That I am something which is not desirable, and that left exposed, I will be viewed as being undignified, not sexy, and sort of disgusting. The fact that I have put myself in a position to be judged, hoping that people will see the opposite, is the humiliation.

The bad dreams that I have had all my life support this, as I continually find myself in situations where I am left being ‘wrong’ and being open to negative judgement from others. In everyday life it shows itself in the small things such as the obsessive a need to be wearing the ‘right thing,’ My disguise is my armour; it is important as it allows me, like a chameleon to blend in, for standing out is not something that I ever want to do. I want to be quietly good at what I do. To be quietly accepted and not put myself out there as an example, but to be accepted all the same. I have created a life which validates me and which keeps me safe and, until D/s, I had never really thought beyond that.