I feel at home here. It is odd to have an online journal of sorts. I have never really been the sort for that but that is what it seems has happened to me here. That I see this as a community that I am part of is a lot to do with it I think. For me I am not writing to the world, I am writing to get things out of my head, but I know that there are people who will read and who will celebrate with me and offer support when I need it and an opinion when I seek it. I have felt ecstatically happy. I have felt lost and confused. I have felt angry and frustrated and indignant. At points I have felt nothing and, at others, everything and I have shared all of that here.
I am the closest to me that I can be here. The other areas of my life I am never as able to be as honest as I am here and to feel as accepted. I don’t just mean about the D/s side of my life of course. It goes without saying that people at work don’t want to know about me being put over my husband’s knee and spanked until I come or to understand why it is so important to me that the bottle of water that sits on my desk is drunk before I head home. I realise that there is a side of my life which will remain untold, but that is not what I feel that I gain here. It is the little things that should translate to both worlds. The things that make a person who they are.
So often in life when you express an opinion it is met by a closed mindset. It is brushed off as being silly, or ill-informed or simply incorrect. Perhaps I live in a world of opinionated people who delight in telling me how it really is. I do think that there is a type who values what they have dearly but feels the fragility of it and so must hold onto very tight control of who and what they are. Anyone who gets in the way or challenges that with their behaviour or ideas cannot be tolerated as they stand as a threat. I have been perceived as a threat to that in the past I am sure, and now I choose to keep myself somewhat on the outside.
That choice is not something that I see as a negative though. I am beyond caring what people think about the things that we do. I don’t broadcast it of course but will offer an opinion when asked. I know it is old fashioned but I am happy to stay at home and spend time with my husband and our family. I enjoy conversing with others who share the same sort of values as I do and they are here, not there. The fact is that I like staying in. I like spending time doing the things that are important to us and not pretending to be interested in people who are on a whole different wavelength. I have come to realise who my true friends are and actually that has made everything a whole lot easier for me to manage my time.
I had a conversation with my sister recently where she said that often people looked for excitement but she had come to realise that in a marriage boring is best. I disagreed with her of course – there is no way that my marriage is boring – but she told me that I was wrong and that to stay at home and be boring together and be happy with that was what it was about. Ok I did come to half agree as we like to stay in and play but we have more excitement in our marriage than many who were in the room at the time I would wager.
I am not sure that this post has gone entirely where I wanted it to so I will try to pull it back. 2017 has been full of ups and downs for us. We have weathered the downs (which have been outwith our control) and enjoyed the ups (which we have more or less created ourselves). I have learnt a lot about what makes me happy. We have been tested this year and have been under pressure in a number of ways but we have turned things around in terms of having a positive approach to life. Yes obstacles will come along but if you are open minded and see things as opportunities rather than problems it all becomes so much easier. Having a growth mindset, and surrounding yourself with others who have the same, is so important. Which pretty much brings me back to where I was going at the start.
I am happy. I am in a good place. There are things that I would like to change and I am confident that 2018 will be a good year for us. We have everything that we need and being here writing, for me is part of that. So in conclusion, I would like to wish you all the very best of wishes for the new year. I know that many of my friends have had a tough time this past while but you have all been an example and an inspiration to me, and I feel that we have walked each other through 2017 to what will hopefully be easier times ahead. So happy new year to one and all – and let’s make it a good one.