Firstly I would like to wish everyone the very best for the season. Secondly I would like to apologise for my absence. I think that my last post was 12 days ago: unheard of for me. A huge part of this has been to do with the demands of one of the busiest times of the year at work and at home but another part has probably been do with, not the absence, but perhaps the reluctance of my submissive self. This blog has always been about my journey as a submissive wife and I have aimed to show the highs as well as the lows. What happened this past while has not been as much of a low as more of a lack of focus on the D/s part of our relationship. If it were not for the fact that we were so busy and life kept throwing up hurdles, that would have hurt and I would have been motivated to tackle it. As it was, we just seemed to let our focus slip onto the things that had to be done and our time revolved around making that work, rather than focusing on us and our relationship so that we were at the centre.
This is not the first time this happened and I am sure that it will not be the last. However, this time it has lasted longer and it was met with a lack of energy to deal with it and get back on track. We have been more accepting that things need to change without really making plans for that to happen. And there is not that much inspiration for writing to come from that. Writing here, reading your posts and chatting at the SWC are all things that I do as part of who I am. They feed my mindset but also keep me thinking and growing and moving forward, so they are as circular a part of my submission as the rules and rituals that we have in place to maintain it. Without that interaction, my submission is not fed in quite the same way. It is a circle that works as a positive when it works and a negative when it doesn’t. So hopefully that explains where I have been.
The things that got in the way were not new either. Work was as crazy as ever. HisLordship was working away much of the past two months which meant that I was managing the logistics of things here on my own. Christmas always requires huge planning and preparation as we have a large family and a relatively small budget so ready-made shortcuts are somewhat of a luxury and a more traditional make-it/bake-it-yourself has to be employed. The calendar this year meant working up until the end of the 22nd so it was a case of squeezing everything into a small space of time. Add to that an increase in social commitments, issues with the kids and the migraine from hell, and there wasn’t a lot left over to think about what changes we needed to make for ourselves to get the intense connection back – more hours in the day or not having to sleep would have helped!
While this rather bleak list of demands is explanation as to why we allowed our focus to slip, I assume it is also one that many can relate to, and they are not things that we should have allowed to sway us. We should have had measures in place to force us to stop, deal with it together and work as a team. Had we used the structure of the dynamic to keep us close we would have been fine, but for some reason when faced with an overwhelming workload, that was what we let go. I would take quite a bit of responsibility for this myself, although if Sir had managed me out of it, we might have made it work. But in taking on the extra responsibility while he was away, thinking about being away, or adjusting after getting back, I slipped back into the friendly slippers of my past, where I micromanage everything to the nth degree and retreat somewhat into my own little world.
I had predicted this and told him of my fear that it would happen back in October, so I felt almost justified in it happening when it did. I had ‘warned’ him, he had done nothing to ‘stop’ me, so with that vanilla thinking and the commitments piling up it was easily done. I started to focus on the small things and stopped making time for the relationship. I put my efforts into dealing with what was jumping up and down and calling for attention, rather than looking at what was quietly waiting in the background. And I think that if you stop looking at the background, you can lose touch with your surroundings. I think it can be easy to stop appreciating the beauty of the small things because you are caught up in the drama of the bigger things. So there I was.
I have always felt the control slip from me. I can be lying there, during a scene for example, and I can literally feel myself letting go and giving in. It is an amazing feeling to trust enough to just give up and lose yourself, to become something other. I become more needy, more vulnerable, freer of the things that drag me down. This time I would say that I felt the converse as I switched from that place to the other. It wasn’t the same free feeling. More like a cloak being slowly drawn around me. It was much more gradual a process and it was almost unnoticeable. It shocked me slightly when I felt myself thinking and feeling in a way that I hadn’t for a while. On a practical level I had to take control of my surroundings and step up to take responsibility for planning etc but the knock on to taking control back of my mind and my body was not something that I had consciously thought about.
I can say that it has had some good to come for it. We had a lovely Christmas and everything that had to be done has been done. I have been highly functional and on that level it has worked well. Where it has fallen down is in the emotional side. There is a gap there that we have both felt and that is something that we are not happy about. We have not worked quite so well as a team, we have not been quite so intuitive about each other and we have not had quite the same desire to be together as we would have usually. Essentially, by not focusing on each other first and foremost, we have not had each other as they focus on our minds. Pretty obvious really. And because we have not had each other as they focus, we have not put the same effort onto the connection, both physical and emotional that we usually would.
We had agreed to do our D/s advent calendar and I have posted about days 1-14. They went well and, because the tasks were designed for a couple living apart, they were achievable and achieved. When Sir came back, there was obviously more scope for the types of things we could do. We became more physical with our gifts – why not after two weeks apart? But our lack of focus meant that we became distracted by or on other things and some of these gifts lay unclaimed or were forgotten about. Not a good sign although I think that having agreed to the advent calendar was positive as it highlighted where we were and the need to do something about it. Some of the days have been completed and some are currently in the back-pocket for future fun and the inevitable after-post.
So where are we now? Fighting our way back I think. The fact that we finally have some time together has been a huge positive as we are always better when we are around each other all day. It means that the snippets of time we get can be counted on and utilised. We have definitely got the physical side back on track and hopefully that will feed back out to the other areas. I think that it will take a little while until Domination and submission feels like our default again, but it does feel like we are working at it again. Consistency is hard to achieve but, for us, it is essential for things to work as we want them to. We can survive for a time without it but at the end of the day we want more than survival. We want to enjoy the heightened sense of us that we have grown used to having and are looking forward to getting back to that again.