I think it is safe to say that yesterday I had a bit of a crash. It had been building I suppose and due to a combination of factors, it all just fell apart. It wasn’t that I didn’t see it coming but because HisLordship is away, there wasn’t the same ability to communicate and manage it. This time of year is always crazy at work and he will see it take its toll and put things into place to catch me as I fall usually. The result of this is more of a lean than a complete crash as he is there and has my back. The past week at work has been no exception and just to make things worse, during the two weeks that he is away, I have three extra parent’s evenings to attend as well.
When things start to get on top of me, I don’t always sleep well, so I have had a couple of nights where I only got about two hours sleep. I tend to bake through it so there were pancakes for breakfast, brownies for after school and two cakes in the tins so the kids were happy, but I could feel the effects of it on me. With Sir having been away so much, I have been busier with the house and the kids and have not had time to start thinking about Christmas so that was also stressing me, and as I looked at my to-do list for this weekend, I just started to cry. It all felt quite impossible.
I would like to say that when the text arrived with my instructions for the 9th day of our D/s advent calendar, I felt the full advantage of his control and leadership but unfortunately that did not happen. Honestly it felt like just another thing to do and feeling that made me feel even worse. What should have made me feel warm and wanted and supported just made me feel overwhelmed and detached and useless. Fortunately, I had the sense to let Sir know and we talked – if you can call texts back and forth talking – but it did help me a bit. It is never easy when I do something which causes him to change his mind about his plans but he immediately put the task on hold.
During our ‘talk’ I realised that I am a better person when we are together and connected. I like myself more then and I have got used to feeling like that. Without him I take on too much and set myself expectations that I can’t meet. I end up with too much demand on me and that leads me to feel bad about myself because I burn out and can’t meet the demands and then I feel guilty and like I have failed. He has been away so much recently and I think that we viewed it like the shorter trips where it was about keeping the connection but actually there needs to be management of my commitments here too, as they become unrealistic.
I end up feeling like I am only here to meet the demands of others and when his task became just another of those demands that were piling up, it broke my heart a little because that was never the intention and I would never want to feel like that about him. Anyway, having spoken I did feel better and I removed some of the things from my list so that it was all more manageable. I postponed cleaning the house until this morning and took the kids for lunch and did some shopping as planned. We decorated the house for Christmas when we got back and my daughter helped me make a time-lapse video of us putting up the tree and my son then edited it, added some music and changed the format so that it could be sent to Sir.
HisLordship loves decorating the house for Christmas and it is always something we try to do as a family. I am never keen to have it done so early but I was out voted this year, even by him, as the boys are not here next weekend and they all felt that to leave it until the 22nd was too late. He had sorted all the boxes to help and said he would look forward to coming home to Christmas but I still felt bad that he had missed out which is why I decided to make the video as his gift for the 10th. It was nice to have the kids involved, although they know nothing of our D/s advent gifts to each other, and I made sure that I wore my Christmas Elf hat in the film so that he would know that I was thinking of him!
We managed to fit in a quick Facetime with Sir later on and then I spent the evening doing Christmas shopping online and feel that I have broken the back of that job now too. It has meant that I have been a bit of an absent friend on here and at The SWC and I have not been able to do my weekly catch up on all of the recent posts so hopefully I will get some time later. But I got the house cleaned this morning so it is looking good and we are off to my mum’s for dinner tonight so that is an easy one for me. After we spoke I received a new task for the 9th which was much more manageable and just what I needed as it meant that I was able to put my earlier ‘failure’ to bed.
Task for the 9th
I want you to take one of the glass dildos into the bath with you and get it nice and warm. Climb into bed and touch yourself with it and think of me doing that to you. You may use a little lube with it and also collect a gift I left for you which is in the lube cupboard.
We are definitely better together and I can’t wait until Thursday night when he is finally home.