HisLordship was working away last week. Usually this would be something that would be hard to get through as the usual routine is disrupted and the time that you usually have to connect with each other is suddenly not available. Sometimes it will be easier than others of course. I think that those who have periods apart regularly or those who have done periods of long distance will have a bag of tools that they use in order to keep each other close, but some of us are not in that situation. HL and I have been apart before of course but this is not a regular thing.
There are other factors too such as access to a wifi connection when away and being in a compatible time zone, but usually we will plan for whatever is ahead and be creative in doing what we can to keep the closeness from a distance.This time was a little different. Sir has been at home a lot lately the way things have worked and the only time we have really been apart has been when I am out at work during the day. We have adopted a bit of a routine with it and have become a little lazy really I guess. It has been easy not to have to plan for things and I think that we have both entered one of those phases where we became a little more passive than we usually are. For me this only really happened in the home environment and that hid it a little from me. I had given up control of it to Sir on account of him being at home more and had not really seen the change in myself. I was still the same at work – in fact things there were more demanding than ever there, and that added to my tiredness and feeling that I was happy to do less at home.
For Sir I think the same sort of thing happened. He has been left to his own devices for much of the week and was easily able to manage the commitments that he had without feeling any pressure at all. He is a man who likes a but if pressure; he responds well to deadlines and is really at his best in a crisis where he is forced to thing logically and rationally in order to manage the situation. Let us just say that there has not been much of this to get his adrenaline flowing; when my stressful day at work or the eldest daughter’s bout of vertigo is the closest he gets to emergency response, it becomes a bit routine for him. Essentially he has been lacking a challenge.
So it was good to know that he had quite a few trips away lined up where he can do the sort of work that he loves and that really was the focus this time. I actually had no expectations that he would be requiring much more of me while he was away than to know that I was fine and was managing the house and the kids and it was all running smoothly. Now I don’t advocate this sort of approach. I think that it was necessary for us on this occasions, but it would not be usual. Usually I would want him to keep me close and he would want to know that I was thinking of him. Usually we both look to the other to feel needed and wanted and desired, even when we are not together.
This time, it was almost as if we both needed to tap into that other part of ourselves. It was as if we both needed to remember who we were and what we were like before we somehow slipped into the steady routine of the recent past. Without knowing this was what I needed, I charged at it full on and it felt good. I felt efficient and energetic and productive in a way that I haven’t in a long while. I felt a sense of clarity that the distance from each other and the life we were leading was able to give. I was doing this for me but I was also doing it for him. I was re-engaging with the part of me that had become a bit lost in the struggle to adapt to a new way of life. In relaxing into my submission, I had become more passive than it is good for me to be.
I could also see the change in Sir. I think that the space and the different environment challenged some of his thinking too and when we spoke last night when he got back, I think we were both in agreement about how things had been affected and the ways in which we wanted them to change. I am not blaming the dynamic at all for any of this and neither am I saying that we had fallen out of it. We were still ‘doing it’ but not with the same energy and focus and thought that we are at other times. My friend Emily calls it bread and butter D/s when things are tough and it is stripped back to the basics that you need to keep you going. This was more of a survival D/s. We had focussed on the key things that we needed but had not put the effort in for the rest.
D/s has kept us together and without it I think that we would have not been as close and may have returned to some of the old power struggles. It has allowed the past while to be about us and we have managed it together. I think that because we have found the lifestyle changes challenging. we have maybe not pushed ourselves in the same way we usually would. We have not put the same thought and effort and passion into the dynamic that we would have before as we have been channelling that in other directions. We have made sure that our basic needs are met, but not sought to feed the higher order emotions.
A lot of this has been due to lack of energy. It is emotionally exhausting to be in survival mode and that has had am impact on the resources left to put into making things happen. It is a bit like sheltering in the rain. You can see, but not nearly as far. It is a bit hazy and when you look there are things in the way that must be overcome before you can move forward. So actually on this occasion, being apart and doing our own thing in a less connected way than sometimes, was a good thing. It was the kick that we both needed to be able to see things more clearly again. I remembered how much I was actually able to do and how much more I was able to give and that is what so much of this is about.
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Other relevant posts include:
From a distance