Recently I have been thinking a lot about my submission and about the type of submissive I am. I seem to travel along quite happily doing my thing and then every so often I will stop to look around and think more deeply about it. This evaluation has always been an important part of my growth. Sometimes it is prompted by a change in circumstances, sometimes by a question someone has asked, or it could be because of something I have read. I think that often all of these parts will work together as the thoughts will go round and round my head and I think and talk and read and mull things over. For me, these periods of reflection are often marked by a shift in thinking and I see them just as part of the learning process, so although I may sound confused, I actually see it as positive thing.
I also can find myself caught between not wanting to use labels to define myself or others as I feel that they can be inflexible at times, and also using them to help me to understand what I am feeling. By making comparisons, I am able to get a better understanding of myself if that makes sense. So while part of me shies away from labels and comparisons, the other part wants to compare myself against some of the them in order to have a better understanding of why I think and feel as I do. This, I think, is why we use labels in society – to lead to an understanding of ourselves and others, and provided this is done in a positive way, I have found it to have a positive benefit.
One of the things that I have been mulling over for a while is the difference between doing things which are submissive and therefore are actions, and being a submissive which is a state of mind where you think and feel differently. I wrote about this in Ahhhhhh! and explained that I felt that having seen the two parts as one and the same had actually made things more complicated for us. I tend to behave submissively when I am engaging with HisLordship. I like doing this. It gives me a focus and a set of expectations which make me feel better about myself and mean that we work more effectively as a team. I like using the rules and rituals that we have to support this submissive behaviour and think that it has really helped us to work together in a complimentary way.
I understand the idea of using triggers to be able to access my submissive space and have thought a lot about those. By separating it out I can see that being submissive is a choice for me, and being a submissive it not. Yes it is a choice to submit to his Dominance but beyond that you enter that space where it is not a conscious thought. I love that space. It is where I feel free and safe and my head is empty of everything except what he puts into it. I feel so light as I am not weighed down by my own thoughts. I am not pulled places where I don’t want to go but can drift wherever he chooses. I feel that we are one. Totally connected and that I have become part of him. I exist for him and only for him. It feels like nothing else and I feel like an other me.
This will last for as long as it lasts, but it will require his continued Dominance for me to remain in this space. Sooner or later I am pulled from that and I return to the rest of my life. When I spoke to furcissy and read his subsequent post on Separating Self and Spaces I had thought that the triggers were about being able to access the submissive space in a sexual way but I now see that it need not be that. It is just about thinking as a submissive and for me that has usually happened during some sort of play. I can see that, were HisLordship to keep me there for longer, it would become about more than that.
I can also now see that there are some submissives out there who are in this mental space all of the time (I think). I have followed DD Jen’s blog for quite a while now and have seen her slip deeper and more consistently into this sort of space. I think that my mistake was in thinking that this would inevitably happen and I can see now that it won’t for me, not at this time anyway. I see relationships where the couple (or throuple as it might be) have protocols in place which mean that the submissive will remain in this space, even when she is not actively engaging with her Dominant. Being able to see that my own circumstances and my own personality do not lend themselves currently to me being this type of submissive has been quite key for me. I am not sure that I was trying to be something I wasn’t, but I think maybe I was waiting to become that thing, without even really knowing what it was.
This has turned into a bit of a ramble and has become overly long, but it does tie up the thoughts that I was having, not just in Ahhhhhh! but also in Finding the Balance. I think that in feeling some of my personality traits were not ‘submissive’ I have not given them the attention that I should have. I have sort of neglected to nurture that side rather than celebrating it. Having personality traits which are not submissive does not make me less of a submissive it just makes me a submissive less of the time. HisLordship can trigger that submissive space in me as and when he chooses, for I have given him the authority to do that in agreeing to follow this dynamic. The reality is that he does not always choose to do that. Sometimes he is happy that I behave submissively towards him and it is enough that I am active in submitting to him.
One of the things that we both have wrestled with is the contrast between how I am at work and how I am at home. One will bleed into the other at times and this is something that we have tried to manage. When I am at work he is happy that I am focussed completely on that. He will text me and I will respond but accepting that I am not really in a submissive space makes it easier to understand why I think and feel differently to when I am at home just with him. Responding as a submissive will not happen to me while I am in that environment. And even when I come home, depending what is in my head and what is required of me, I will take some time (and some Dominance) to adjust.
I have referred to the more alpha parts of my personality before. The desire to feel in control, which I achieve through careful planning, organisation and clear decision making. I don’t necessarily want to lead but I don’t really want to follow anyone else either. I want to go down the path that I believe is best and I have a problem often trusting that others will put the time thought and effort into something that I would. There I have said it – not very submissive after all! I am like this with the things that I believe matter; for me those are not just to do with work but also in terms of my children and even HisLordship. That is not to say that he requires me to protect him (he has plenty strength of his own) but there have been times when outside influences have meant that I have reacted fiercely, and have done just that.
These things come into their own at work. I love my job. I find it greatly rewarding and it is a big part of who I am. I feel that there is a huge responsibility on me but really I thrive on this. I like making my own decisions and setting my own goals and targets. My role is to provide care and nurture and protect but to do that I need to take on those who’s have made this necessary in the first place. One of my primary roles is to work with young people whose well-being has been negatively affected. It is important that I am able to be a champion for them. Yes I need a soft, approachable side so that they can open up to me, but I also need to be able to take on the powers that be and engage their help.
Some of it is about protecting those who are the most vulnerable but this also means that I have to act as a safe-guarder and advocate for them when they are unable to do this for themselves. I am completely focussed and absorbed by what I do when I am at work and the emotional drain on me can be great. Often I will come home still passionately high from the fight or angry at the frustrations of a system that doesn’t allow me to do the best for people. Making the transition is not always easy but I really really need it. For me to be able to be in a relationship where that can all be peeled away and I can be left as the vulnerable submissive at my core, is such a relief.
I used to see it as the two different faces that I wore and I believed that the real me was the submissive part, but I am shifting my thinking in that regard. Even when at home and HisLordship has removed the pressure and stress from my shoulders, I can be quickly pulled back into that frame of mind, so I am learning to embrace that part, for I see that I need her and that Hislordship loves her. So much as I can see I have triggers to access my submissive state, so I have triggers which will activate my other self. If I believe something to be unjust, or someone I love requires help or is threatened, or just if I am needed then this part of me will kick into action, and that is not something that i want to stop.
I suppose it is a shift in focus from thinking submissively to thinking (I am not sure how to put it -ly) but I see now that I do have these two clear states. The rest of the time I can be in a sort of middle space where I am trigger free and just roaming about my own head as I get on with my daily duties. I will behave submissively during this time and will actively engage like this with Sir as that is my nature. I have used my submission to keep a lid on the scary kick-ass part when she is not required and that has made our life together much easier. I have clear duties and responsibilities so living a D/s dynamic has meant that I am more easily contained and can use my strengths in a more positive way.
I suppose I come back to the fact that I am not just a submissive, I am his submissive. I will behave submissively towards him but that is not always my default setting. I do it out of love and trust and for the way it makes me feel and because I have such huge respect for him that I want to submit. There is a thrill in feeling myself melt and fall at his feet and it works for us that we know that this is a choice. I think that I felt uneasy that I had these other parts to my nature that didn’t seem to conflict so I am glad to have been able to pull it all apart. I know that I am a submissive and that there are other people out there like me who will share this same make up. I recently read ‘The Warrior Princess Submissive’ by Michael Makai and I could relate to a lot of what was described there. I am not looking for a label and am content just to be. Although actually – the thought of being a princess……….would I get a crown?