balanceI was reading a post by sayyidsgirl this morning where she was talking about experimenting with Dominance and submission. She explained that her husband ‘wants a strong, confident woman by his side, who enjoys serving him,’ but that he also wants, ‘a woman who knows what she wants and goes after it, including him.’ I think that in some ways this is a conundrum that a number of the married couples who have adopted the dynamic as part of their relationship struggle with, and I think that this is why it can take quite some time to find the balance and the equilibrium between you which suits you both and allows you to grow together and move forward to it, while still preserving the parts of yourself that attracted you in the first place.

Throw also into the melting pot the trials and tribulations that are part of a busy family life and you have what is quite a complex and tricky thing to sustain. That is not to say that a D/s dynamic is any more difficult to sustain than a vanilla one, but the closeness and intimacy and vulnerability that you have to make it work, makes it more apparent when you drift away from it, even if this drift is only slight. It can feel that you are questioning yourselves continually as to whether or not you are going to be able to make it work. You reflect, you challenge, you wonder if you should call it a day, but really this is all just part of the learning process.

The majority of couples who I have come across who are managing to live this sort of dynamic 24/7 are of a type. Often it has been the wife who has asked for the D/s. She has researched and talked to others and has an idea of how she wants it to be. Usually she is a strong, independent woman who may even feel that she has alpha type qualities in some aspects of her life. Often she likes control and meets that need by taking control herself of the things that matter to her. Her husband is often an alpha type who is dominant in many areas of his life, but as the relationship develops she takes control within the home and family and he relinquishes it to her, probably because he loves her and that is the least line of resistance.

I think we all know how that story ends which is why we find ourselves where we do now.  Asking to have that control taken from us, asking to be led, asking if we can serve. But I agree with Sayyid’s Girl that it was that strong independent woman who he fell in love with and, for many, the relationship would be unsustainable if she were to be cast aside for someone who no longer had those qualities. And this is what I think many couples find hard. When to manage situations in the confident and capable way that he has always liked and when to ask for help and sit back and let him lead.

To switch from one to the other too soon causes major issues and I don’t think either of you find it to be positive. As you grow and develop confidence in your role, you will be able to give up more control and he will be able to take more control of you, but it is a slow process of finding the balance that works for both of you. If the balance is wrong then one, or both of you, will push the other into a corner, by taking control, by not taking control, by breaking rules or by not following up on broken rules. We have always found the balance in the bedroom easier to manage than the balance outwith, but I know that is not the case for everyone and in both areas I think it takes time and experimentation to learn what will work or be achievable and sustainable and what won’t.

So many people become frustrated at the start because they want to be at the point they see others at, but there is a good reason for going slowly. It is not just that it is all new and it takes time to adjust, it is because every relationship is different and you need to find what it right for the two of you. I said before that many of us were of a ‘type’ and this can lead others to think that we are the same, whereas they way HisLordship and I manage our relationship will be unique to us. The things that work and the things that don’t, the things you do together and the things you set as limits, it all varies according to the way that you stack up as a couple.

We may imagine ourselves submitting to a Dom and how that will feel, but in actual fact you do not become a submissive to a Dom, you submit and become a submissive to your Dom and that is not quite the same thing. You have a history between you as well as the things that initially attracted you to each other, so it is a case of building on that initial attraction while at the same time making sure you don’t lose any of the elements that contributed to that. Often there can be the feeling that we should toss out the old ways and replace them but I think when you are married already, you need to be careful that you keep all the good stuff that has worked for you for the last however long and add to it with some new things that will allow you to more forward in the direction you want to go.

There are no rules and no right or wrong; it is about learning about yourself and each other and finding a way which plays to each of your strengths and meets your needs. While it is good to talk to others and find out what they do and how the approach it, I think that the only comparison worth making is against yourself. How am I progressing as a submissive? How am I managing in terms of meeting his expectations of me? How are we doing now compared to how we were doing a few months ago. There can be a tendency to focus on what is not working so that you can solve it but often I think we need to look at the positives and what is working well.